Come away with me today, everything should be okay.

2011-07-21T21:45:00.000-07:00

2 years later

2010-06-01T03:46:00.000-07:00

Two years after I have decided to return to school for a degree, things are wrapping up. I have one final paper to write- that I have been putting off for about a week now, because when I finish writing it I will officially have nothing else to do- and then I will feel even less secure than I do at the moment.

I don't remember being this nervous about life the last time I graduated. I moved home for the summer- saved up a bunch of money-and moved back to S. California where I knew that any old job would work for my needs- I started out by temping and finally got into accounting full time an was making a decent salary in three years time- but I was unfulfilled and unhappy, so I went back to school, and here I am again.

But this time- with a lot more debt to my name- and a job market that looks bleak to say the least. I tell David that I am worried and scared and he says that it won't help me at all to worry. I agree. I won't help. But I can't help it.

Now, not only do I need to find a job to pay my bills and my rent- but I also have to find a job to prove to myself that the last two years of my education and my debt were worth something to me. I mean in reflection, of course they were worth something- but when I enter the job market and don't feel as though there are many openings that relate to my field- what is it really worth. It seems scary that two years after leaving the accounting field, I am thinking that accounting doesn't sound too bad- IF I can get a job doing it...

In all actuality I know that something will work out and something will come up and that worrying won't help- It's just that two years later this is all a lot to think about. Being on the precipice of adult life once again- I always thought that it would be hardest to transition from working full time to going back to school, but I am starting to think that the harder transition is going to be going from being in school full time to working again.

Funny how it works out that way.

A Quakerly Engagement

2010-04-05T17:42:00.000-07:00

David and I are Quakers, and this is the fourth Easter that we have spent in Julian, CA. It is a small apple farming and historically gold mining town in the east of San Diego County. The Orange County Friends go there yearly to a Episcopal Campground that values organic cooking, gardening, and nature. We hang out, play games, spend time with each other, eat wonderful food, and talk about Quakerly themed things.

This year we went back to the roots of Quakerism and talked about the core Values of Quakerism. They are Equality, Unity, Simplicity, Community, Integrity, and Peace. We had several discussions and reflections on these values, and I have to say that I really think David and I's engagement was a reflection of several of them.

The engagement was planned. It was something we had discussed for a long time- a mutual decision. I gave David lot's of overt clues because I still like a bit of surprise- but the decision to commit to each other in this way was something that had been discussed and agreed upon in advance. On Sunday morning, while the children were going on the Easter Egg hunt we took a walk in the woods, and unfortunately as we were about to stop we realized that the awful smell around us was several large compost piles- so we walked a bit farther into the woods. Then David handed me a letter- he said that as a writer this was something he wanted to choose his words carefully before (but that I shouldn't worry because he would still do the knee thing at the end)

The letter was wonderful, and warm, and I think most important to me it was honest and real. It reflected on why he loves me, and the growth that we have seen through the years of our relationship. I think this is my favorite part of the letter.

I don't think you can ever really be certain about what the future holds. But I've let go of my need for certainty, for surety. The process of living is full of risks, full of doubts, full of challenges and compromises and failed ideals. But it's possible to find someone who can help you through all that. And then, when you do meet your goals or fulfill some of those ideals and dreams, you can share that joy with another person, and it's even possible for that other person to help you along the way.

When I finished the letter and crying he got on his knee and I said yes, and cried more and we hugged a lot. It was great and private and real and honest-all of those things.

Then we went back and popped a champagne bottle with the rest of the Friends and had a toast and many hugs and congratulations. After this we had our silent meeting for worship and there were several messages given that included the topic of marriage. I also shared something at meeting. I spoke on the fact that our engagement was evidence of our Quaker values.

Many people gave me a hard time about pre-planning something that is traditionally a surprise- but I think that because equality is at the heart of our relationship it was something that we very much wanted to be mutually planned and mutually decided upon. I am okay with David getting on his knee and giving me a ring, but as far as the traditional surprise element went- I just don't think this goes along with our relationship. We take care to make important decisions together and for us this was one of them. (I am not insulting anyone who has been surprised, I just think that this was right for us.)

I had discussed this topic of engagement with a Friend the day before and she shared with me the process by which her and her partner were engaged. She understood our mutual planning and related to it- this drove home to me the fact that getting engaged and celebrating with the Friends was something that was important to me because I knew that they would understand and support the emphasis on equity in our relationship.

Another value of Quakerism that I felt was emphasized was that of simplicity. I chose a simple ring, but besides that it was a pretty simple engagement. It involved nature, a letter, Friends, and two people who loved each other. Nothing extraneous was needed. The words David used were not over the top or utterly romantic. They were simple and honest- and that is certainly things I want base my relationship in.

The third value I feel was emphasized was community. Having our Friends there to celebrate us and support us meant the world to me. In many ways the people at this meeting have watched us grow. Several specific Friends have been there for us in times of struggle to support us an encourage us on our way- so we felt that it was only appropriate to share something like this with the community that is like a family to us. This week we will continue the celebration with other close friends- because we value the people who love and support us as a couple.

I am not writing all of this to toot my own horn, so to speak. It took a weekend of discussion and conversation for me to truly understand how our values were reflected by the choices we have made in our relationship and in this act of engagement. Because of this reflection and the realization that everything about what happened this Easter was such a good reflection our values as a couple, this act of engagement means more to me then I really ever knew it would.

I am kind of on cloud 9 right now. I am so excited about the future and a relationship with someone who shares this core values with me. We have grown so much ins 3.5 years that I can't imagine the growth that could occur in a lifetime together.

I will leave you with the comic David included in the letter he gave me before he asked me to marry him. Enjoy.

Funk

2010-02-07T20:35:00.000-08:00

I have been in such a non-productive funk for the past week. I used my birthday as an excuse for a while, and then I even bought a Chinchilla which has served as a lovely distraction, but I have this sense of nagging in me- I have to finish my thesis in three weeks, and I have to do school work, and eventually I have to graduate, find a job, pay student loans, and the like. I am pretty overwhelmed by the end of this two year vacation of sorts, and I feel like the fact that it is ending quickly has caused me to slow my pace immensely, and the bottomline is that at the moment I am pretty scared shitless of the real world- I lived there before and I was okay, but now I have a ton more debt, and I have to get a job to legitimize that- and I am freakin scared.

One upon a time...

2010-01-20T10:46:00.000-08:00

I went to Bulgaria, but I had to write a thesis and go to class, and maintain a romantic relationship and friendships--- so I didn't have a ton of time to write about my adventures. Barely even time to show you pictures- It was a wonderful O'Neill Christmas in a far away land, and while we struggled to get there, we did get there eventually, and seeing my Hermanita made it worth all the strife of getting there.

2009-11-24T09:31:00.000-08:00

D and I have very different feelings about the holidays. I love them, and he does not. This has been something that we have both adjusted to as a couple. He kind of let's me make a bigger deal out of things than he might like, and I try to restrain myself a bit in order to make him feel more comfortable.

For me, the holidays are about tradition and family, and they are pretty soft traditions in a lot of ways. Generally they meant piling into the car and driving for several hours to eat a large meal with my extended family. Sometimes we would all sit around the table to enjoy the meal and other times we would grab a place on a sofa with a tv tray. The setting that I remember most is my aunt tinas old house that had a basement where the kids could hang out. I don't know if it was a holiday or not, but I have been told that one time my sister fell down those long dark steps to the basement in her baby walker, and she survived...

For me the holidays are not about gifts. They are about loud people that I only get to laugh with a few times a year, and trying to sneak some of my grandmas cookies before dinner time. It's been years since I lived on the same coast as my extended family. I know that since then I have really not spent many thanksgivings with them. I spent a few with my sister out here, which was nice, and one in Chile....or I think maybe on a plane to Chile and that was a pretty surreal experience.

Last year david and I cooked more food than it was possible to eat and had leftovers for days. I think I remember it being a quiet relaxing day which is kind of a new one for me, but also a good thing.... I guess maybe we are starting our own traditions now, which is weird to think of... I think that whenever I get the chance to spend the holidays with my extended family, I will cherish their novelty, and when I am with anna and mommers I will usually feel the most at home. It's comforting to establish a new familiarity with david... and also because he is not super into the holidays I don't think he will be quite so sad when I chose to spend the time with my mom and sister. So cheers to new traditions, definitions of home, and in about a month, a very Bulgarian Christmas...

i like coffee and tea. i like harry potter and saves the day. - 22‏

2009-11-04T08:46:00.000-08:00

Three years ago, I was home for a week after I dropped out of the credential program at Vanguard. I was waiting to go back to work full time and I was bored, so I thought I would look for some instant entertainment by posting a CL personal ad. Below is the response that I got from one gentleman caller. You have to understand that this is an extremely stark contrast to most of the responses I got, which just asked me to come hook up for the afternoon, but didn't ask in such un-crude terms. (I said it was for entertainment.)

I'm intrigued by your ad. I'm a single 25-year-old male who would like a meaningful relationship with a woman. I can't say that I'm familiar with any of the bands you name--I'm more metal than punk and indie rock--but I'm almost ashamed to admit that I do know quite a bit about Harry Potter. If you want to get some idea of who I am, you could take a look at my journal. Feel free to contact me by email or on AIM (Anima Umbrae), or to exchange pictures, if you want. In any event , I wish you luck with your search.

Anyway- I guess it was meant to be, because I responded to this email and three years later here I am. D and I have had wonderful and challenging times, but I have to say that overall it has been incredible, and I am so extremely happy to be with someone I love and respect as much as D. I have most of the emails from our first exchanges saved, so I might post a few (non-embarrassing) things in this coming week to celebrate the anniversary of three years of dating and loving one another.

It Makes Me Smile

2009-10-26T15:24:00.000-07:00

These days I am taking less time to smile, and more time to 'manage' time and stress. I don't think my management of either or the two has been so great as of late, but what can I say?

This is essentially my last heavy quarter of coursework, and I am struggling through it. I think that the workload combined with the fact that I am having to coordinate with so many actual live people this quarter- and am really struggling with it- has made things so difficult. I really want to be an effective writer, researcher, etc. and do good work for the people I am working with, and yet it still seems really difficult to coordinate things sometimes, and I am so limited in my time, that it makes everything seem so much heavier.

One way I am trying to manage stress is to think about the fact that in less than two months I will be visiting my sister in Bulgaria. And all of this will be over. In the mean time, I look at pictures like this, and they make me happy. They make me wish that my job was to organize pumpkin carvings too, but at the same time, I know Anna's role there is a lot harder than that.

Anyway, here are some lovely fall pictures from Bulgaria- they will be getting an American taste of Halloween this year, with the candy corn and rite aid decorations that I sent them all the way from California. I wish I fit into a priority mail flat rate package sometimes. =)

These days, I

In Which I was in Spain and Then Fell off the Face of Planet

2009-09-15T15:28:00.000-07:00

I

I blogged pretty consistently at the beginning of Spain, but then I just couldn't do that and skype everyone I needed to, and sleep for at least 6 hours a night, so I kind of got out of the habit. So I figured I'd recount some of the things that I did with mom after I left Spain.

Our trip consisted of Dublin--> Edinburgh--> Northern Ireland (Belfast)-->Dublin-->Republic of Ireland (Galway, Derry Coast, Blarney Castle)--> Dublin

Some highlights included:

- So I knew that the bus your I booked looked like it had the potential to be a party bus, but the website made me think that it was a bit more diverse. However as soon as we got onto the bus of 20 year old Aussies and Kiwis (mainly) and the flamboyantly gay (and really hot driver) started talking about what drink specials we were going to get that night, I knew that I might have been wrong. My mom was the only one on the bus over 30 or so, and there were definitely no families on this trip. I was a bit worried at first, but my mom totally took things in stride. I am not sure if she took a sip of the first bottle of alcohol that was getting passed around on the bus, but somewhere on the ride of the first day one of the blokes started calling her Old Mother Hubbard. We drank with the crew that night, and had a really good time- so despite the fact that it was a party tour and not really mother daughter family atmosphere we had a wonderful time, made good friends, and saw things in Ireland that you have to see such as the Blarney Castle/Stone, The Cliffs of Moher,and a few Leprechauns

(Here is mom and the tour guide on the first night out)

-I enjoyed my first class of Guinness at the Guinness factory- I am not sure if it just tastes better with the Irish Water or when you are on the top of a 10 story building that has a panoramic view. I haven't tried to drink any since I got home, and when I do so it will only be from the tap. I'd have to say that Ireland made me a believer when it came to Guinness, even though I think that there is some debate regarding how much Guinness the Irish themselves drink. I was told that if you went into the most non-toursity of bars you would find locals drinking Bud Light, which in my opinion is a damn shame.

-I actually thought that the Blarney Stone was pretty scary. And because there is a long as line of people beside you that are waiting in this really narrow and even more scary dark windy staircase, you have to go really fast when you kiss it, and I don't think we really got any good pictures because it went so fast, and I hated it anyway because I had to take off my glasses and I couldn't see anything. I thought that I would just be kissing a rock, not one that I had to lay down and do a back bend on te top of a castle to kiss, and honestly, I am not even sure if I needed to kiss it, because if you know me then you might agree that I already have the gift of gab, right?

- There was a domestic dispute in one of the rooms neighboring us on our last night in Dublin. There was a lot of slamming and screaming, and we called the front desk to tell them about it, and they already knew which room it was in, and I don't know if that was a good or a bad thing. I don't think we would have called the hotel a loss had we not been stuck in the elevator for 10 minutes the night before, only to ask the lady at the front desk if this happened frequently, and having her reply yes it does, don't ever take it. Nice one.

Anyway, those are just a few of the highlights of the trip with mom and I. I have so many more good stories and memories, and have been working hard to get all of my pictures from the trip centrally located here.

I hope to write more about it at some point.

I'm Home from Europe, and Also Mexico- and My Life is Complicated, but Okay

2009-08-28T01:50:00.000-07:00

I have so much to say about the end of my trip. Mainly about how I made really good friends with two great girls, and we drank two liters of gin and tonic and then two liters of rum and coke in one night, and I feel like right about now I might be missing them. Also about how my mom had a wonderful time in Ireland and Scotland. I think I might have enjoyed Scotland the most, and wasn't the biggest fan of Dublin, and found out the O'Neill clan was Ulster (N. Ireland- Union Jack) and that kind of bummed me out, but I think I need to devote some time over telling some of those stories on my blog in the next few weeks before school starts. (Blegh- school, so not excited)

This last week has been particularly complicated in the area of my relationship with D, which has been very difficult. I actually fled to Mexico for several days to be with Jare who is my best friend and a wonderful one at that, who supported me and just listened to me and sat with me when I was having a really big emotional hardship.

I am back in the States now. D and I have resolved to try and work things out once more, but with major changes this time. Most of them seem really daunting, but also extremely necessary, and I can honestly say that I am excited to address issues that have been holding me back in life. I cannot say for certain that I know that things will work out for D and I, but I can say that I do know that any growth that I can experiece within or out of the relationship is going to help me learn to be an emotionally healthier adult, which is a pretty exciting thing in the wrong one.

I wish that things didn't sometimes have to hit rockbottom before they get better, but I feel like maybe this is one of those instances. I guess only time will tell.

All I know is that I feel like I need to put away things from three different trips at this point, and I am thinking of renting the other room in my house when my roommate moves out in a few months, rather than having to clean or organize this one. I am only kidding, but I kind of wish that I could move in the other room to get away from this jumble of collections from different places.

This is a good one...

2009-07-30T07:37:00.001-07:00

I made a friend yesterday in a neighborhood called Bon Pasture (I think that's how it is spelled) As I mentioned before there is a serious lack of cats in this city, so I was stoked. I picked her up and she let me hold her a bit, though she was a bit more of a rambuncuous young cat who wanted to play than a docile lap cat who wanted to be held. She bit me a little and pawed at me to get down, although rather gentley, and I think now that I think about it I didn't feel any nails scratching me so either she was very gentle or didn't have claws.

When my group rounded the corner, I picked her up and started walking with her in an attempt to see if I could get her to follow me a bit. I think I forgot to mention before that the area that we were touring is a low income neighborhood where they are doing a lot of rennovation. As I was walking with the cat, a man from one of the houses came out to me, and told me that I couldn't take the cat, because it belonged to someone, and trying to communicate to him that I wasn't intending to take it I said "No me tocar, no me tocar" I said this several times and then said Lo Siento. He didn't seem angry, but he also didn't seem completely with it either, so he didn't really respond to what I said.

When I caught up with the group I told them that I had gotten in trouble for cat-knapping, and they asked me the story and I told them what I said to the man. Two if the girls who speak Spanish said that tocar does not mean take, it means touch and that I had actually been telling the man not to touch me over and over again. If you couldn't already guess, everyone had a really big laugh over this- including myself. I try really hard with the language, but sometimes funny mistakes like this can make my day.

El Carmel and Tres Turones- Why Planning Seems so Different in Barcelona

2009-07-28T16:06:00.000-07:00

A lot of the things we have done in my classes so far has been going to see presentations that are done by municipal organizations who are in charge of the revitalization of certain areas in the city. They have told us about their plans for changing neighborhoods and improving them to make housing conditions, services, and transporation better for certain areas. One of the groups told us about 20 times that they were trying to design their city so that there would be diversity between the young people, older people, families, and the disabled. They feel that this integration is very important and makes for a healthy community. I think in a lot of these neighborhoods it's required that about 30% of the housing be public housing, which has controlled prices and ia subsidized heavily by the government. It's not a very rare thing to have really low income people living next to those who are middle class, and many private developers who own buildings are required to have public housing and controlled prices in their buildings to a certain extent by the government who pays them to do so. It's incredible to me and to others that no one protests this social housing, because in California when people try to put up affordable housing units people tend to be very upset and show up at city council meetings expressing the fact that having affordable housing in their backyards will bring crime and cause property values to drop. It's kind of amazing here that people from different income levels are able to live together in the same building without their being protest for the tenants that are not receiving help via social housing programs that have been established and funded by the government- it's a total contrast.

The pictures here are taken in an area of the city called El Carmel. It has a very difficult topography, and because it is on the outskirts of the city many people immigrated to that area and erected houses with their own two hands in order to have a place to live. (The pirate flag picture is from an area where many building were erected by the people who inhabit them, rather than by professional developers.) Because they were constucted in this manner the city doubts the safety of them. Also many of them are very very small and have poor ventilation and there are doubts about the health of living in such places. The city has a major renovation plan that will put in a new main street and has also put in several elevators and escaltors to help people reach their homes that used to require them to climb steep hills. As a result of this construction projects and also as a result of tearing down a lot of the unsafe housing people are displaced. However the city never displaces people and leaves them without a place to go. It is the law that they must be guaranteed housing in the same area, and if they chose not to be relocated they are given a lump sum of money. The brick building in the city is an example of new construction at the top of three newly installed escalators that climb the hills for you, where many people were relocated when their houses were removed in order to make such improvments to the neighborhood.

I think that the unique thing about this renovation in El Carmel is the fact that the improvements are being made to this area in order to improve the lives of the people who live there. I think that the kind of development I am used to seeing in S. Cal cities has to do with making improvements to the city in order to bring in more business and to push things along economically or even for better transporation purposes. So if they have to build public transport or a freeway through a very poor part of a city they give people money and they expect them to find a place to move to, as where here the improvements that they are making are not to bring in revenue for the city, but in this neighborhood especially they are made to help the people already living there, and if the city does have to claim eminent domain over your house or property they don't just hand people money and expect them to figure out where to go, they actually faciliate new housing facilities for the displaced.

The only thing that is suspect is that fact that so far we have talked to far more municipal workers than residents, so its hard to tell what the attitudes of the people living in these neighborhoods really is. Are they happy with the renovations? Do they feel that it is ultimately helping them or that the government is interfering to much by chasing them out of their houses into new places? Do they feel like they are being bought out or are they satisfied with the compensation and services that the city provides? When talking to those from the municipality I get these feeling that the city governments here really are doing great things for their residents, but I am excited to get out into the field next week and hear a different perspective on things. At this point, all I know is that the city's approach to working with neighborhood residents here seems to be very different from what I have seen in Orange County. Municipalities work closely with neighborhood associations in ways that appear to really impact positive changes that containa great deal of input from the residents. It's difficult for me to accept this concept after working with residents in Anaheim who are practially begging the city to accept their input. It seems that there is great benefit to the many Socialist municipalities in Barcelona- at least from the perspective of the residents who seem to have much more say in what goes on than I have seen in my experiences in Anaheim.

I like to listen...even when I don't understand it all.

2009-07-28T15:48:00.000-07:00

I have slept quite a bit since I went to Rome. I was really tired out by the trip and on Monday we had a very intense class in which we took a 4km walking tour/hiking tour in one of the neighborhoods on the outskirts of the city. It was a wonderful tour, but unexpected amount of activity for the group on the day after we all were kind of tired from weekend adventures.

I haven't been indulging in the siesta thing here. Most days I sleep for about 6 hours and I am good to go. Today I slept for three and woke up and was thinking about trying to traverse some of the more Bohemian parts of the city alone, but decided to go out with the group for dinner instead. It was really nice- I am pretty much loving this drink they have here called a clara or clarita, which is beer mixed with limodada, but when my food came it was not what I ordered, which was not a huge deal, except as I was eating my Caprese pizza (and what I wanted was a Caprese salad) someone asked me what that little swirly thing was in my Basil and it was none other than a snail. A first other joked and told me I was supposed to take it out of the shell to eat it, and then eventually we told the waiter who apologized to me a lot, and gave me a salad. It wasn't a huge deal. I got the impression that it was part in parcel with all the fresh basil on top of the salad.

I stuck around after dinner to hang out with Karl, who is one of the staff with the trip. He is truly amazing- knows the city very well and it a great organizer of the students, oh and PS he worked with he worked with CESAR CHAVEZ for eleven years, and just mentioned this casually in a convesation one day. I decided to hang out with Karl and his friend, whose name I am really bad a remembering. She is from and lives in Barcelona and although my Spanish is limited I have talked to her quite a bit, and I think I get a lot of what she is saying. I decided to stay with them and not make Karl translate everything, so I just listened to what I could understand and it was interesting... We wound up at this swanky cafe right next to our residence where we had a late night coffee and took from photos on the egg chair that is pictures above. Karl asked our friend how she had met her other friend Teresa that he knows and she said that she met her on the metro or the bus, (I am not sure which) and Karl commented that people in California rarely get to meet other people like that because most of them commute to their jobs in cars by themselves. I told them about how when I lived in DC no one ever talked on the metro, and Karl said that New York's metro system was much different that people talked a lot more and made eye contact with each other.

I am thinking that perhaps another summer I can come here a month of so and do an intense language school and if I keep in contact with these new friends we can go out and talk about other things. I think that it can get frustrating when you are in places and out with people and just can't understand what people are saying, but I think it's really fun to just sit and listen to people and try to pick up on what you can from words that are familiar, or sound the same as english words, or through body language. I enjoy times here the most when I try communicate with people in Spanish and they try really hard to communicate back. I don't always get 100 percent of the picture, but I think that trying and picking up a little bit at a time is important and for me it's what really counts.

Spanish Cat

2009-07-25T10:38:00.000-07:00

Between both Rome and Barcelona for two weeks, I think I have seen a total of less than 5 cats wandering the streets, which for me it a bit sad. However, the other day I did pass a pet shop and I went inside. Now, D doesn't usually condone my wanting to go into the puppy mill pet stores, because we both kind of think that it's gross to be selling purebred dogs like that when you can adopt so many from the pound, but I let the cuteness overtake my ethical beliefs about cats. You know that those places kind of stink, right? Well imagine one that is probably more cramped than you have ever seen before, with lack of, or very little air conditioning, with cats, dogs, and birds... All of this in about 90 degree whether. It was hella gross, and most of the cats literally looked like they were dead because they were so hot and asleep. It was gross. I wanted to buy them all just to release them, but the one in the picture was about 507 Euro, so it was a no go...

Anyway, do you think Ireland and Scottland might have more cats?tr

When in Rome...

2009-07-25T10:21:00.000-07:00

Seeing all the historical sites in Rome is amazing. I have a feeling if it wasn't 90 degrees outside and I had about a week here I would just sit in many of the piazzas and just stare. Honestly, the Palladium alone could take you a whole day to get through- but but I really think that would only be possible if it were not mid-July.

Yesterday I went to the Collosieum in the morning and later to the Vatican Musum, which I thought was the place I needed the sleeved shirt for. When I didn't see any signs I figured that they were being lax because of the heat, but it turns out I had the wrong place, and today when I went to St. Peter's Basilica, I did need to buy a shirt to get in. Oh well. It seems like a common occurrence, it would just be nice if they told you before you walked all the way in.

Last night I wandered around and had dinner at a tourist trap that sat in the same Piazza at the Pantheon. I figured that paying a bit more for a meal was worth is to have a front row seat to that sight. I forgot to throw a coin to the Trevi fountain, so I may have to do that tonight or tomorrow before I leave.

After exploring the Palantine and the Forum all morning I went the the Tiberna island in the middle of the river and had possibly the best gellatto yet. I have ben here for 24 hours and this is my forth gelati, which is truly neccessary. Then I wandered around in the Ghetto- or the Jewish quarter and eventually made me way to a cafe on the west side of the river where I sat and had the best Caprese salad of my life. It was the perfect meal, as a cat sidled up to me before I was served.

I got on a city bus and had no idea where it was going to I wound up riding for about an hour or so. It went all the way to the end of the line and stopped for 4 minutes, so I got out and took a few snapshots of Saint Paul's Basilica, until I got back on the bus to ride a bit more. I had considered paying a lot of money for one of those expensive tour buses, but riding the municipal bus can accomplish a lot of the same, minus the narraration and the guide telling you exactly where to get off and what to look for.

My limited Italian has been quite shameful, but thankfully everyone I have encountered speaks English well enough. I speak Spanish to people a lot, and they seem confused...

Tonight I headed off to a place that my tour book touts as being one the best places for Pizza around, so I will let you know how that goes....

Ciao.

La Sagrada Familia

2009-07-22T04:02:00.000-07:00

I don't know if the guide books would consider this to be the crown jewel of the city, but I do. I have been here three times, and I have never braved the line to enter this catherdral, however the outside if almost spectacular enpugh to not see it from the inside. It is a work that was started by Barcelona's famous and unique artist and architect- Gaudi.

He worked on it for the last fifteen years of his life, but he was kind of interesting in terms of creating a large building like this because he didn't like to make plans on paper, her kind of just liked to "go with it" and plan as he went, which has made it and even more challenging project to complete.

You can read more about it on Wikipedia, however please note that it was started being built in 1882 and it not expected to be finished for almost 20 years from now, however some Barcelonians think that is will never be finished, and that for some reason is just always needs to be under construction because it has for so long. Some of the recent issues that have arisen with it have included the implementation of high speed rail in the area and questioning whether or not the structure will hold- some engineers have questioned whether or not the foundation is strong enough to support a structure such as this regardless of the introduction of high speed rail vibrations in the immediate vicinity. It would be a tragedy is this thing collapsed, so here's to hoping for rgood engineering in this case.

Ink and Sand in Spain

2009-07-19T23:17:00.000-07:00

I didn't have my tattoo very long before I came to Spain, and I am wondering whether or not people will stare at it in the States like they do here. I would say on a normal day here I see 40 people look at it, 10 stare at it, and about three tap their friend on the shoulder and point to it to tell them to look at it- every single day. I don't know if it's just a huge tat and something that warrants being looked at all the time, if its weird because I am a female with one here, or if this is going to happen for the rest of my life- Europe or no. I don't really have any strong feelings about it either way- I like it. I think it's a good piece of art and that people should look at it, I guess I have just been overwhelmed by the response...

Also, this picture was taken on the beach of Tossa Del Mar on the Cost that is north of hear and is on the coastline in the way up to France. The water is beautifully clear there, and very salty, so it's easy to float and wonderful to swm in. My only gripe is that there rocky sand HURTS--- it's like little sharp pebbles in your foot everytime you take a step- that combined with the heat of it made it almost unbearable the other day, but well worth it to swim in the clear cool Sea.

Las Ramblas- Tourist Trap

2009-07-19T15:27:00.000-07:00

Las Ramblas is a main street that runs from the Sea (starts with a big monument to Christopher Columbus) and runs up to the Plaza to Cataluyna, with fountains. The road is filled with shops on either side that cater to tourists (at least there prices do) and the main road on the center is filled with street performers, and illegal vendors selling things that they rush to fold up and run away with when the policia walk buy. Men are frequenty selling beer straight from the six pack, and yesterday I saw a man walking around naked with the biggest male anatomy I had ever seen in my life- I am talking horse size my friends-- I feel like he was probably a regular as he had underwear outline tattooed on his butt, and seemed like he would have been perfectly willing to stop for a picture had anyone been brave enough to ask.

The picture with me and the dragon above is a good example of the street statues that stay completely still until you drop change in their hat, which is when you can go up to them and pose for a picture. There are also pet shops on the main street that sell rats, bunnies, hedgehogs, turtles, and one even had a chipmonk the other day, which I thought was weird. I think that the thing that bothers me the most about this is the fact that I feel like touristas probably buy them and then can't take them with them, but who knows....

The ramblas is known for being a bit theft-happy because when tourist gather sround performers in big groups that are close together, it is easy for pickpockets to sneak their way in and brush up against pockets without people noticing much.

I have mixed emotions about Las Ramblas, becaue this is my third time here, and I thought that I would be rather touristed out by it this time, but in all honesty as long as you keep an eye on your stuff, and don't want to do any cheap shopping it's a perfectly entertaining way to spend a few hours people watching in this city...

Victory

2009-07-19T15:14:00.000-07:00

Most of my classes here in Barcelona don't take place in a classroom. We go one walking yours about every single day, and walk for miles in intense heat, and thus far I have only had a few shoe problems (which were solved with a shopping trip), and I have not had a hard time keeping up. I was definitely scared about the city bike tour that we were taking more than anything else on the whole trip... I think mainly because I rarely ride bikes, I lack balance, and I am pretty ungraceful and uncoordinated overall. I felt that this characteristics combined with the fact that I would be riding near traffic and in a group of 30 people could equal disaster... However, I resisted my urge to opt out and decided to attempt the bike ride, and I am really glad that I did. We rode mostly on the waterfront, and through a few neighborhoods and I was able to keep up reasonably well and not cause any accidents for my group, cars of pedestrians. I actually think that because of the experience I might look into getting a bike for a few other afternoons I have in the city, because overall it was a rather relaxing an invigorating experience, and I am glad that I didn't let my fear keep me from doing it.

Update on nude swim...

2009-07-18T13:55:00.000-07:00

No pictures for this one.

I am proud to say that after much struggle with trying to narrow down when I could actually do this, tonight I was one of two women who attended the nudist swim night in Barcelona's indoor pool that was used for the 1992 Olympics. I am kind of at a loss for understanding why this event it only attended by men, but all of the people working as the pool told me that this was normal, and one of the naked men in the hot tub with me told me that it was always similar when one went to a nudist beach...

I think the main thing that we learned from going was that it was not a particularly well attended event, and it was definitely not a tourist affair. However I did find it totally fun and freeing, and pretty wonderful to do it. I feel like I could personally be down with a nudist movement, and it's hard for me to understand how it is that we became so prudish in the United States. It's just the human body, right?

Anyway- one notable part of the time we were swimming was that several spectators walked by to see the Olympic pool, and I dont think many of them were expecting what they saw. Amy said that it was one the craziest things that she has ever done in here life... I might have to agree.... I wish that my swim in the Mediterranean had also been nude...well not really, but a little bit. = )

I am hoping to catch up on blogging this coming week. I have needed to put the computer down and get some rest at night, so I have slacked a bit.

Puedes nadir desnudo?

2009-07-14T15:42:00.000-07:00

t(Picture taken at local daycamp in a municipal courtyard with an amazing looking pool that surrounds a water tower. The counselours eventually blocked me from taking any more pictures of the kids, because I think that they thought it was a bit creepy.)

I have been reflecting today on how many people here ask me if I speak English when I try to speak to them in my poor Spanish. I am trying to understand why and whether or not this has anything to do with the fact that Catalan is spoken here and English is their primary second language, but anyway here is a good story to go along with my use of espanol.

So just incase you don't know the Olympics were held in Barcelona in 1992, and because of that they have two official olympis pools that you can pay a fee to swim in. I was told that Tuesdays was the day for nude swimming, which my friend and I really wanted to participate in. However, we didn't want to go all the way there without bathing stuis just to find out it was the wrong day. So I decide to pick up the phone and call the pool with my limited english. I decided to try and use the room phone and when they answered I said something about la piscin, to ask whether or not I had called the pool, and I thought they said yes, so I proceeded to ask them what time the pool closed and then I asked if I could swim sin ropa or without clothing. They said in English a few times that they didn't understand, so I hung up and looks up the word for naked, beccause I thought then I would be able to ask more easily. I called a second time, and they said that they didn't know what I was talking about, and that it was the reception desk at the residence where I am staying, so in other words I basically called the residence desk twice and asked them if I could swim naked, despite the fact that they don't have a pool. As if this wasn't bad enough someone knocked on my door a few mintues later and asked me what the problem was- I explained that I had been trying to call a pool, and she explained that they didn't have a pool and that if I wanted to place outgoing calls I needed to come down stairs and pre-pay. Luckily this encounter with the reception worker was with my friend Amy rather than mysef, but Amy is only going to be here for a week, so it works out because now every time they see her they will think she is the one who kept calling the desk to ask them about nude swimming, when really it was me the whole time.

Eventually we used skype to call the real pool and I said "Puedes nadar desnudo?" and the lady told me en Sabado- not Martes, so it's a good thing that we didn't go today, because even though I'd be happy to swim their con ropa I'd also love to swim in an authentic Olympic pool nude, just to say I did it... I have several Saturdays ahead of me, and if I am not in Rome you might just know where I will be.

Barcelona, Urban Planning, Historic Preservation, Roman (Gothic) City

2009-07-13T15:16:00.001-07:00

We have started learning about the history of Barcelona, and one thing we learned is that because of its location it was not a major Roman city to start out with, and to make a long history short, there was a centralled walled-in Roman city. Under Spanish rule (I believe) it became larger but was heavily fortified with Spanish military and walls around the city to limit development, because the Spanish government was worried that it might be a revolutionary threat because of the differences in the Castillian and Catalonian kingdoms.

When the city became more properous, it began to develop more, but it could not develop outside of the set borders (yet) so it developed very narrow streets and was built up high. It was very dense. Living conditions became very stratified and the lower classes lived next to the bourgeosise who decided to revamp their city's history by investing lots of money into restoring what is now considered to be the Gothic part of the city...

What we learned today is that a majority of the buildings, walls, etc in the Gothic part of the city were not in the same places they are today when Barcelona really was a Roman city. Things were rearrange, building surfaces and walls were moved brick by brick to create plazas and beautiful squares to recreate the Roman history of the city... The church that is pictured above is an intesting case because it was never finished during the period it was built in, so when Barcelona started to prosper and money came into the city Barcelonians with money researched the period quite a bit, and made the outside of this Cathedral a model example of the type of architecture and design that they wanted the building to look like...

This brings up interesting questions about what is authentic and what is not, but more importantly, why a city would chose to re-CREATE this historical part of the city, which was not entirely true to real history. The lecturer today talks about how this recreation of history is a way to create cultural community and identity. In doing to the Catalonians and Barcelonians can emphasize the history that they care to, and not emphasize what they would rather forget. I suggested that it was the commercial creation of history for tourism, however it was suggested to me that the Barcelonians really needed the re-creation of this historical identity for themselves as much as it is something nice for tourists to look at... I wonder what other kinds of historical preservation movements do the same thing. How much of the history that we see is authentic, and what was researched and restored to look more periodic in order to highlight the parts of history that we want to be prominent in our cities?

As things progress I hope to learn more about the Cataloian identity that has been created in this region of Spain. Also, Barcelona is apparently one of the best models of modernist planning that has ever existed, which I am supposed to learn about tomorrow.

Interesting stuff, and great times in Spain.

Gatas y Montjuic

2009-07-13T06:24:00.000-07:00

This morning I went with a group to Montjuic, which is named for the secret Jewish community that lived their I think in medieval times- not sure about dates. We took a cable car up to the Castell de Montjuic, which is a place where many people were executed per Franco's orders. I remember taking the furnicular up to Montjuic with my sister, but then not wanting to walk anymore- the view was certainly beautiful and I saw the first two cats of the trip, which is always a good sign. Now I am going to shower (cold) to get ready for class tonight. The humidity hear is killer, I am glad I am from the east coast, so I at least understand what it is...

Black Rice- secret ingredient...

2009-07-12T13:29:00.000-07:00

Many of the signs around here at cafes advertise that they have arroz negro, but I didn't know what that will until tonight. It came out after they had served all the other food, and I asked if it was a postre, because they serve it with a white creamy sauce that looks like creme fresh. However, it's not a desert, its kind of like paella with squid in it, and it is black because of the ink from the squid. With the white sauce, which is aioli it is really very tasty.

Today was the orientation for the program, and I learned that I am one of two grad students here, and it looks like a pretty young crowd that will do their fair share of partying, but it looks like the coursework is going to be really good.

I also went out earlier this morning to try and explore the city, but kind of forgot that it was Sunday and a lot of things were closed. After having been here two other times, I have to say that I am kind of over the main strip called Las Ramblas, because it really just seems like an oversized touri.st trap, but the human statues are really fun to watch...

My apartment is close to the city's central park, and there is a zoo there, which I will make my way to at some point. It looks like a great place to relax in the afternoons after class. I am glad that my eastcoast uprbrining prepared me for the humidty here, because the California seems like they are dying a little bit.

That's all I have to report for now. I put a few pics on facebook, but will leave you with a picture of my large and wonderful window, where I sat this morning and ate breakfast. Tomorrow more advetures to come...

Favorite foreign activity

2009-07-11T12:27:00.000-07:00

I don't know why one of my favorite things to do when I am visiting a foreign country is to go grocery shopping. I think maybe it's because it seems like in Europe they just have such a wider selection of creamer yogurtsh creations which I find to be amazing...

Tonight I had Special K con frutas rojas (strawberries and raspberries) and Spanish bread with nutella on it for dinner. I promise that my abroad blogging won't just be about food, but there is something about a super mercardo in a foreign country that could have me browsing for many hours on end.

So, yeah- I am here, safe, unpacked, and fed, and I think that very soon I am going to lose this second wind, realize that I might have had 2 hours of sleep within the last 30 hours period and crash goodnight, but right now I am enjoying the Spanish breeze blowing into my new temporary apartment.

Days in L.A.

2009-07-11T05:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday D and I spent the day together in LA before I left for Europe. We went to see the Pompeii exhibit at LACMA and then dined at The Stinking Rose for dinner and stayed in a hotel close to the airport.

This morning at breakfast I spilled coffee on my hand, which caused me to start crying and having a bit of a melt down. I have been so excited about this trip, but as happy as I am to have such an adventure, I am also sad to leave my love behind.

Now I am in Heathrow Airport, and I am just exhausted from this being about my 8th hour in an airport today... I am ready to arrive at my residence in Spain, to shower, and to sleep.

More adventures to come...

Not much for the Blogging Lately...

2009-07-02T18:18:00.000-07:00

School concluded about a month ago, and I think maybe I have gotten so facebook dependent so much that I feel like I keep up with people by tweeting rather than blogging, but I do like this forum as well. As many of you know I am headed off to Spain in about one week. I will be studying there for a month, and then I will be traveling with my mother in Ireland and Scottland for about two weeks. I am very excited and I plan on updating often with lots of pictures to show when I am on the trip.

My sister has been deported for her Peace Corp service for a month and a half now, crazy right? You can check out all of her latest happenings here http://bulgarianna.blogspot.com/. I had thought that I was going to be able to see her when I was in Europe this summer, but it doesn't look like it is going to happen as of now. She is going to be living in a rather remote village that will not be easily accessible via weekend tripping. It's sad, because I miss her, but I feel like I get to talk to her enough to keep in touch and to know what's going on. She seems to be doing really really well for herself, and I am so proud of her.

One of my best friends is getting married this weekend, on the 4th of July. A few people have commented that this is really weird, but I think it's amazing that I get to go to an awesome party thrown by someone else for this holiday. It will be wonderful and I am sure there will be amazing pictures.

I got a new tattoo. It's a Japanese crane- taken from the album The Crane Wife by the Decemberists. It's not complete yet, but when it is the bird will be standing in water and the water will say " Here All The Bombs, They Fade Away". People have asked me why this is so significant, and I guess the best way that I can explain it is that I love the Decemberists and there music makes me feel extremely connected to my sister, because she told me about them, we have listened to them together, and enjoyed a few of their concerts together and it has been magical. Also, this is my third tattoo, and it is a bird like the rest. The bird references have to do with my mother, because she is a birder through and through, so it all links back to her-- like most things in my life.

I don't have a ton more to say. I have really just been relaxing and getting ready for my trip and I am excited about it- even though I will miss D I think it is going to be good to get away and to experience the world a bit more...

Expect to hear from me more when I am In Europe. Have a wonderful summer everyone.

Year One Almost Done- Mission Accomplished

2009-06-03T11:10:00.000-07:00

In September, when I started the Masters of Urban and Regional Planning program, I felt like I was in a crisis mode almost immediately. It seemed that through some poor choice of my own I had entered into a field that prepared students to be municipal planners or work for private consulting firms, and while I am not opposed to either of the two, neither one was ever something I thought of as a goal. I came into the field of planning because I wanted to study the intersection of environmental and social justice issues, because I don't think green movements are sustainable unless they are actually available as solutions to even the poorest people in the world. As I started taking my classes and learning about planning as a field I though that perhaps this program would have been better suited for someone who wanted to be a transportation planner or a land use planner, and I certainly didn't fit into the category.
I started talking to past graduates of the program and asked them what they thought I should do in order to make the program work for me. They suggested that I get in contact with OCCORD (Orange County Communities Organized for Responsible Development) and talk to them about the community organizing efforts that they do around the Platinum Triangle in Anaheim. This turned out to be a perfect connection for me, and I started to broaden my own view of planning as something that could range from municipal planning to community based planning efforts that occur within organizations like OCCORD. Both my experience working with them and my exposure to new teachers with different views helped me to expand my understanding of planning. Also, as I began to look at community based efforts as very much linked to planning I talked about these things often among my colleagues, because I felt that by continutally reminding others that planning was bigger than the city, then perhaps I could influence others who were struggling like I was.
During the Spring Quarter (which is currently ending) some students got together and initiated a class called Critical Urbanism. The students were the teachers in this class, coming up with the readings and course material. We talked about issues of race, class, and gender in planning. We also focused heavily on community based and radical planning efforts that worked to change the system rather than to uphold it. The twenty people in the class had different opinions, but were all of the same mind that something in planning needs to change in order to address critical issues that we often either don't think of as planning, or that city planning departments don't address.
Yesterday the class hosted its final project- a colloquuim called Planning in Crisis: Critical Urbanism in Action. The event consisted of three panels, each of which contained different speakers that could address ciritcal planning issues from a different perspective. We had community based planners/organizers from OCCORD and Latino Health Access. We had students from UCI, UCLA, and UCI that were talking about the efforts being made on their campus to address critical planning issues. We also had a panel where students and practioners talked about the collaboration of planning academia in addressing real world problems, and how some of their projects in the past have gone.
The event was a hit! The Department Chair among other faculty was extremely impressed by the event commenting that the speakers were very much on topic and everything ran very well. I heard rumors that the Department Chair really wants to publicize the event on the department's website because it went so well. Students were excited to make connections with radical planners in the community and on different campuses. Conversations were had among students from all three campuses regarding how we could connect in the future in order to work towards critical planning efforts.
For me, the event was so important because it was truly a benchmark of how far I have come within this program in just one year. I started off as a frustrated student, considering whether or not I belonged here, and ended as a student who felt like I had really accomplished something on campus. I feel like the first and most important think that I accomplished was the alliance of many like-minded students in the program. I also feel like in some ways because of my insistence on looking at planning outside of the box, I have helped my colleagues to do so as well. Thirdly, I feel like this group of students who views critical planning as important just established themselves on campus and earned the respect of the department through the event yesterday. So yeah- I feel really excited about this accomplishment and how this first year started on a rocky note and ended on a great one. I am hoping that this process can be continued into my experience as a second year in the program.

My sister left, I cried.

2009-05-19T00:28:00.000-07:00

I didn't cry for that long though or have a major breakdown, and I am rather proud of myself because of this. Also, whenever I get sad about her leaving I am just going to look at the professioal photo that I took of her and my cat. Because it's Hilarious!

Too Much

2009-05-04T23:41:00.000-07:00

4 classes, while working and attempting to be an intern is too much shit going on at one time to stay sane.

I think that's maybe part of the reason that I have been such a poor communicator in my relationship lately. It's like this general sense of being overwhelmed spills over into my personal life and I have a hard time separating eveything into neat little piles. This is the pile where you are overwhelmed by school and this is the pile where you love your boyfriend and you want to have a happy weekend with him without making all of these little conflicts out of nothing. If you saw my room right now, you'd see all the piles are pretty jumbled, and such is my life at the moment. (This kicker this weekend was really bad PMS)

Anyway I have things to look forward to.
1. Concert with D this weekend
2. Two concerts with Jare in like two weeks
3. Going home to see my family
4. and Summer Semester in Europe.

So if the next 4 weeks if a blur because of school I guess I am just going to suck it up and roll with the punches and hope that I keep my piles a bit more organized on the weekends so I am not so bitchy and conflict causing.

I am shocked as D smiles.

2009-04-16T11:04:00.000-07:00

Thanks for capturing this rare moment John.

Just letting you all in on a little secret- he smiles a lot when he is with me.

But don't tell him I told you that.

He'd like to keep it a secret.

Reflections on a past life

2009-04-14T08:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I worked at the Southern California Assemblies of God Conference, and it was a weird blast from the past. As I sat around and watched people all of the elements were familiar. People walked up to me and said "Praise the Lord". I watched the huge service on a big screen TV and the preacher spoke for over an hour and at the end had a long "alter call". People raised their hands to the loud worship music and bathed in the spirit.

The thing is that by the time I was at the end of wanting to be involved in Pentecostal Christianity I was kind of in the same place I was yesterday. A place where none of it played on my emotions as much it did in the beginning, but rather where all of these things were common place. I got to the point where the dramatic music and the demands of the preacher couldn't make me cry one more time, because I had already cried so many times. It was like I had to make this emotional separation between myself and what was going on, because otherwise I was constantly hysterically crying for some reason- spirit induced or not.

I don't mean to completely knock the church because I think there are some things in it that are important to people- the teaching to love your neighbor, the fellowship, etc. For me, the constant heightened emotion was the thing I struggled with the most. It's almost as if I felt like the preachers were performers and their goal was to make me cry, and with just the right rift of guitar and piano at the end, when they were asking people to come forward and ask for forgiveness they did it to me again time after time. It's hard for me to explain what I mean, except at some point I just felt so emotionally manipulated I shut down, and that made me doubt a lot of the realness of a lot of things that I had experienced- because everything was so dramatized that I didn't know which emotions I could consider to be legitimate. Another bone in the bag is that I am diagnosed clinical depression and sometimes felt like the church just always kept me on the downside of things because of all the emotional issues it created.

I don't know if this makes a lot of sense. I didn't sit at the conference yesterday and think that the people in attendance were ridiculous. I respect their beliefs a lot. I just can't take the emotional-ness of it because I am so emotional in the first place that I can't take another thing being thrown into the mix. Also I don't like feeling that manipulated all the time. I didn't like feeling guilty because I couldn't cry anymore.

I appreciate so much the freedom of being a Quaker. I feel like I am just at peace with myself and am not constantly having to make sure I am okay enough with all the preachers who are telling me that I am not. I appreciate the ability to be emotional when I need to, but at the same time having the peace of mind to really just sit an enjoy the silence without feeling guilty because I am not responding in the appropriate emotional manner.

Great Shots from Friday at the WAP

2009-04-13T23:36:00.000-07:00

I like the lighting and contrast in this one.
Small medium and large. The tiny one is a month old.

I am as sweet as nectar.

So crisp and beautiful

Baby cheetah!

Sleepy teenage lion.

Relationships 101

2009-04-07T08:22:00.000-07:00

I have been with D for like 2.5 years now, or something like that, but I feel like I am still learning to be someone who is compatible with someone else. I need to be someone who is sensitive enough, but not over sensitive, interested enough, but not too nagging, etc. I guess that's to say that it is something that requires a constant tweaking of balance. Especially because we are not in the living together stage, we are still in this part where we are not completely involved in everything else the other one does yet, but still are interested- at least I think he is interested in my stuff to. ;)

Last night when I was taking a break from school work I was thinking about how one thing I need to work on it the ability to not feel responsible for someone else's feelings. I have always been the friend who feels like if you are sad then nothing more than my friendship should be enough to serve as a reminded that things will be okay, but this doesn't always work. Sometimes people have hard times and struggle with happiness and even if you are a part of that person's like you are not going to the instant thing that makes everything better. My problem is that I think I should be an instant fix. And then I tend to get a little bit angry at the other person when I am not their instant fix- not angry as much as frustrated, but I feel like I sit in front of D sometimes waving my hands and saying "UMMM BUT I'M Great!!!" and then get mad when he is not instantly happy again. I think that I realize that this is pretty silly and a little self centered. While I want him to think of me and our relationship as a positive thing to reflect on, I can't expect to be the cure all of everything, and when I do I am just going to let myself down.

And hell, I know plenty of women who are married, and have unhappy husbands and they are fine with it- in fact it doesn't seem to get them down at all. Okay, that's a joke. When you care about someone it is hard to not be attached to all of their emotions, but I am still seeking a healthy balance in this area. Maybe I am getting closer.

For anyone who likes Oregon Trail

2009-04-06T08:46:00.000-07:00

You might want to check this out .

Also, this is a note to say that I had a wonderful time spending almost a whole month with my sister here visiting. I tried not to really lose my shit when she left because I am not really sure when they next time I am going to see her is going to be, but I am hoping that somewhere is my five weeks adventure to Europe I will make my way to Bulgaria to see her new home.

I admire her courage in embarking in a two year commitment to the peace corp. I also have a really hard time conceptualizing her as a 22 year on woman and not my little sister who I need to take care or and make sure is okay. That is not any fault of her own, just to say that I have a lot of that big sister protective side to me, and I don't think that it's easy to come to terms with adulthood ever.

We are very different people in some ways- mainly I don't think she likes school as much as me- but in other ways we are more similar than can be easily explained. We had the time to hash out some pretty sensitive topics when she was here, and I think even though it was really hard it was also really good to talk about things that really only the two of us can understand. It was not all emotional breakdowns though, as we did spend a substantial amount of our time together in hot tubs even when it was a little bit too chilly outside of them to get out and lay in the sun. I think that our temperaments work well toget her and we basically relax well around each other, although I do love that she seems to bring out the crazy side of my personality that is not always so apparent in my adult maturity.

I love her a lot, and I am excited for her adventure.

My best friends in Ensenada

2009-03-31T15:28:00.000-07:00

Preceded by lunch at a coffee shop, a no drug purchasing memorandum, and followed by a walk through the stinky fish market, contemplation over buying a dog, and best taco stand in baja. Good times.

Adventures Con Mi Familia

2009-03-29T22:33:00.000-07:00

Formal night on the cruise ship. Hold on girls, its waiter time! This is much more significant when you have seen the sign that says Sacramento 3073 in Ocean City, MD. I have seen the MD sign countless times, and this one only once.

Best pizza and SD. (But really people go for the hot chicks.)

Oh, I haven't invited you to our park yet, have I ?

Mas aqui!

Mexican Rooster Attacks American Tourist

2009-03-29T22:19:00.000-07:00

Shortly after waking up this morning, I headed over the the barnyard animal enclosure to talk to the animals. They were very loud and this rooster was sitting up on the fence, so I touched it and it did not like it at all. It poofed up and ki-ki-ri-ci called at me. I left to see my sister and tell her goodbye and also tel tell her that I touched a rooster, and when I went back, I was walking along and it walked right up to me and scratched me in the leg. Then I took this video, where you can see it flying at me. Shortly after this incidence I decided to leave it alone completely and was taking pictures of the baby chicks, when to my surprise it did a sneak attack and flew up scratched, and pecked me in the back of the leg. I am scared for life. So my friends, if people question whether or not the violence in Baja Mexico is real, I can attest that it truly is real. Poultry real!

And still going...

2009-03-26T09:45:00.001-07:00

I have beenon a cruise and then in San Fran for a few days (above), and tomorrow am headed down to Baja to see Jare at the Orphanage. This has been a long vacation and great time with my sister. I have to go to work right now, but more later.

St. Patty's Weekend

2009-03-14T20:33:00.000-07:00

I suggested that we make Reuben Sandwiches in honor of the holiday and my Irish heritage. My name is Bonny O'Neill you know, and it doesn't get anymore Irish sounding that that. But since all my sister has been talking about for the last week is corned beef and cabbage, so I thought we'd try a veg version of that, and we did, and it was pretty yummy. Unfortunately the picture above is not my own, but it comes from the website where I got the recipe..It seems like it could be good with real beef too...

Thankfully this year good Catholics will not have to worry about all the discrepancy that comes when St. Patty's day is on a Friday during Lent, and they are not supposed to eat meat. I believe that although that article only talks about the archbishop of Atlanta saying it was okay to eat corned beef on the holiday, I think I have heard something about the Pope himself saying it was okay to eat... I am not Catholic, so I don't have that problem...

One of my favorite things about the holiday and this dish in particular is that it was the last thing that my mom ate before she went into labor with my little sister who was born March, 18th 1987...

I hope that you all particularly green Tuesdays and have some Irish stout to celebrate.

I'll follow you into the dark...

2009-03-13T08:38:00.000-07:00

Taken on Assateague Island a few days after Christmas 2008...

My internet addiction is not porn...

2009-03-06T00:46:00.000-08:00

I realize it's been several weeks of not blogging. I have been busy people.

Last few weeks included

Waiting for my sister to arrive
Finishing up every assignment that I have for school besides the ones that have to wait until finals week
Trying to figure out how to pay for school next year, and getting some good feedback
Seeing a friend I haven't gotten to see regularly for years on an almost daily basis
Doing a "homeless ministry", witnessing a fake seizure, and buying hand sanitizer after holding hands with a man who insisted on praying for us
Having a bed made up with fresh rose petals
Working at a citizenship fair and helping 40 people complete their applications
Dreaming in Spanish
Planning a cruise for that I am going on with my family in two weeks from tomorrow
Buying my plane ticket from LA to Spain to Dublin and back
Feeling really good because I have so much free time on my hands (if only I had free money as well)
Becoming totally addicted to shopping for travel on the Internet

Yep. I am completely addicted to expedia, priceline, kayak, cheaptickets, carnival, you name it, and I have probably spent a few hours on it. If only I had the motivation to research school funding as much as I did trips that I might never get the chance to take....

So the next few weeks include a cruise to Mexico, a trip to San Fran, and a trip to Baja Mexico to a much anticipated orphanage where Jare is, and eventually I will be spending my third Easter weekend in Julian with David, and you know what that means? Apple pie, delicious food, lots of birds (including turkeys), and Friends. Wooohhoooo.

Looking forward to breezing through the rest of the quarter and enjoy mi hermanita mucho.

V-Day is For Lovers

2009-02-19T23:08:00.000-08:00

And that we are...

We went on a SD Harbor Cruise, had bloody Mary's and tequila, had an unplanned but delicious four course Italian meal complete with heart shaped lobster Ravioli, and went to see my first live Opera ever...

We make a great couple because we enjoy each other's company and always have great new experiences together. I love him. (In case you didn't know.)

Trip Pics

2009-02-11T19:09:00.000-08:00

David and I took a trip back to my mother land this Christmas (by plane) but we traveled back to the left coast via car... It took me sometime to post all the pictures online, but they are all up on my webshots now and you can see them all if you care about us that much... You can see them all here.

These are some highlights This is David with his foot on top of a Cypress knee in Pocomoke, MD. The knees of the trees will shoot up out of the water (because when it is not winter and it's wet, this is swampy) and I believe it helps them to take in enough C02.This is my sister and D at Fort McHenry in Baltimore, MD. Francis Scott Key wrote the star-spangled banner about the flag that "was still there" which was housed at the fort.

This is when I became a prisoner at Fort McHenry, but the prison experience wasn't that bad because I was only sentenced to 30 seconds in the jail cell due to the fact that it was overcrowded and other people wanted to take pictures.

Here is D honoring the life of Edgar Allen Poe. We went to the house that he lived in, which seemed to be very much in proximity with some serious corner drug activity that was happening on this chilly Baltimore day. I felt like I was in The Wire for a minute.

Here I am trying to figure out how well I would fit in the sleeping quarters of a replica boat at Jamestown, VA.

I don't even know what state this is, but I was tired of driving so thought I would stop at this authentic Indian Trading post that advertised it's live buffalo for many is billboard... It was actually something I would like to call PETA about because this poor tourist attractions were pretty much living in their own feces and it was really gross and sad...

Here we are at the full size replica at the Parthenon. I know it was inTennessee. I think it was Nashville, but am not completely sure. We couldn't go in because it was closed, and it was really cold and early in the morning.

And here we are trying not to get frostbite at the grand canyon. I might have posted this before, but I don't remember. It was cold enough to warrant posting twice.

Precious Gifts

2009-02-06T00:02:00.000-08:00

I have gotten some really awesome Birthday gifts this week. Tonight I got to put one of them to good use by making my friends some yummy waffles for dinner. I realize that while it is so nice to get gifts that the real gifts that are the closest and the most beautiful in my heart are the times with I have with my friends. I am so thankful for the pot of tea that a friend made me this week and for the small gathering another friend offered to have for me this weekend to celebrate 25. I am glad that I can celebrate 25 years that have included so many friends that have made my life rich, complex, and beautiful.

Three hot mamas...

2009-02-04T14:10:00.000-08:00

Well, actually only one of them is a mama and we hope to keep it that way for at least a few more years.

We all matched on XMAS this year, which I think was sort of planned/unplanned- I don't know, but it made for a fun photo shoot.

I thought that these pictures would be especially appropriate to compare to the first picture on my Birthday post. We are three strong women . I love my family dynamics and growing up in a house with so much estrogen was so empowering. And sometimes a little emotional.

This rest of this fun photo shoot (with the goofier pictures) are here.

by catbonny

Celebrating 25 Years of Pure Bonny O'Neill

2009-02-03T08:32:00.001-08:00

I am a proud big sister.

I was cute.

I have had that crazy look/laugh from a young age.

I was cute when I was little, huh?

I was always a performer.

I will not smile for a photo shoot if you wake me up from my nap in the car.

Thanks to my mom for sending me all of these wonderful photos from my childhood to remind me just how awesome it was. They are pictures of pictures so the quality isn't the best,but I think that they give a good sense of the 25 year old later Bonny.

Eastern Europe better be ready...

2009-02-01T22:49:00.000-08:00

Because my hermanita is going to Bulgaria in May.

How exciting is that? Maybe that means that my May 2010 graduation gift to myself will be a nice little trip to this post- Soviet country. (Is that correct history?)

Anyway, I am thankful that prior to her two year departure for the Peace Corp she will be coming here in March (and I will try to make her stay as long as possible, and not let Jare steal he away from too long while at her Mexican orphanage)

My momma sent me a picture of my sitting in the hospital bed with her and my newly born little sister. I cannot believe that she will be 22 in month, or that I will be 25 in less than two days.

I guess we are grown-ups. Whatever that means. = )

Moron Moment

2009-01-30T10:07:00.000-08:00

I just wasted like 40 dollars of my allocated $100 per quarter print credit because I accidentally printed something in black and white on the color printer. (Which costs like $1 per page.)

I am kicking myself.

More Gatsby Glam

2009-01-28T13:37:00.001-08:00

(These pictures show my costume a bit better.)

In Utero

2009-01-27T13:12:00.000-08:00

This post is in the spirit of John's post on Mind on Fire and his openness about becoming Sterile- which I think we both agree, as this time in our lives, is a good thing.

The picture above it the Mirena IUD, which women can have inserted into their uterus for five years as the most effective form of birth control out there. (99.9%) This one, in contrast to others in the market, is hormonal, which helps women who have heavy periods and bad cramps to regulate such things. While many people I know have compared IUDs to have perpetual abortions my doctor explained that this is not true. Many people think that what the IUD does is to keep an fertilized egg from implanting in the lining of the uterus, and therefore whenever you have a fertilized egg you are aborting it via the IUD. My doctor told me that this is not what the facts state. She explained that the IUD creates an environment in the uterus in which an egg is 99.9% unlikely to ever be fertilized by a sperm, which kind of negates the whole abortion argument.

My experience getting the IUD in was not the best at all. I used the restroom as soon as I got to the office and unfortunately this was a bad choice because it took me over 40 minutes to produce any more pee for a pregnancy test. When I was confirmed negative the doctor showed it to me and explained the the procedure involved measuring my uterus first so she would know how far to insert it. She said that depending on the position of my cervix and my uterus that she might need to clamp down my cervix to hold it in place, but fortunately she did not, because she said that this could be the most painful part of the process. I found the measuring and insertion to be extremely painful. I screamed ouch a few times and help on tight to a pillow, but the procedure was only 5 minutes long, so it's not too much to handle.

The hours following the insertion were pretty painful. It felt like extremely bad menstrual cramps that come from uterine contractions. Since I have never had a baby, I think it might be similar to having labor contractions, but I guess I won't know that for another 5 years (at least). I spent my evening in the bath, curled up with a heating bad, and cringing from the pain. I took Aleve, Ibubrofen, and eventually a muscle relaxer for my legs because I had been clenching them so much from the pain. I woke up this morning, and I feel way better, although mildly uncomfortable at different times of the day.

So, now I am sterile, which is pretty exciting considering I will no longer have to remember to take a pill every day, and I won't have to hormone shots that making a raging crying bitch, and I won't have to by any more pregnancy tests because I tend to have really irregular or non-existent periods.

So, I am pretty happy about the whole thing. I go back in a month for the doctor to check it out. I am pretty glad that this little device is the only think that will be In Utero until I decide it's time for a baby.

Great Gatsby

2009-01-25T21:06:00.000-08:00

Minus the demon eyes, this is what I looked like when all decked out for a speakeasy- Great Gatsby Style. I think there might be better pictures showing fishnets and all.

It was a friend's boyfriend's birthday party, but she didn't know that it was also a surprise engagement party. It was certainly one with lots of style. I am glad she will always have such an awesome memory of last night.

Beach Birds

2009-01-18T19:43:00.001-08:00

This morning in meeting I finished a book by Severo Sarduy called Beach Birds. The explanation says that it is written in a Baroque style, and while that is not something I completely familiar with, I can say it was a rather abstractly written story about many sick people living on a Island in a hospital and dying from a disease that is probably AIDS. The language was beautiful and the plot many times a bit hard to follow, but the main thought in the story that resonated with me is how all of these characters are fighting so hard against death. Immortelle, one of the dying, fights to hard in a search to regain her youth through the use of fashion, romance, sex, exercise, and alternative medicines, when the sad truth is she will never regain her youth again.

As the characters reach towards death one of them ponders what the afterlife will hold. There is discussion of how the hope in death is that it will be this wonderful, final sleep- that death will be this utter cessation of being. There will be no colors. There is will be approval or judgment. There will just be a lack of being. No more energy to expend. Rest.

I talked to someone very close to myself about this concept some time ago and we expressed the peace that may come with knowing that one's being would cease after death. Others who I am close to have expressed that they would feel so sad to have all of these things in the universe continue to happen without our knowing about them. And if life is really only the years that we have on this earth, then what does that ultimately mean? Does it mean that nothing we can do during those years can really have that big of an impact on what happens when we lay to rest? Or does it mean the opposite?

I thought on this for some time this morning. I don't have any answers. I do find something beautiful in being able to live fully in the years we have on earth and getting to rest fully after those years have past. Then I thought about those I had lost and whether or not I will think of them as a cessation of being of a continual spiritual presence in an afterworld. In one way I feel that those who came before us do continue to exist through the ways that they influenced us. They exist in us. I feel happy to think of those who are no longer on earth as achieving this ultimate rest. To have no more struggles or emotions, but just to return to the earth from which we came.

It's sad and at the same time it's not sad. It's certainly a mindful.

Adventures In Real Life

2009-01-07T18:36:00.000-08:00

I have been lazy about posting, but am proud that was able to accomplish my first quarter of grad school with all A's. Woohoo me.

Then David and I went on a long adventure which included this snowy, butt-freezing-off, cold toes trip to the icy grand canyon. I will be less lazy and post more pictures from our adventures to meet my family and then to traverse the country conquering the challenges of vegetarianism in the South. = )

I am not ready to be starting a new quarter, but here we go...

Because endings are hard...

2008-12-09T11:19:00.000-08:00

My sister is graduating. I just listened to her last radio show, and she sounded emotional, which made me cry for some reason. I looked up an old blog entry from around the time I graduated, and it makes me realize that I have forgotten the overwhelming feeling of leaving my college life behind. I have forgotten how much I valued my college experience and my friends and how hard it was to leave them. (It was so hard that I moved back 4 months later)
So I guess this post is dedicated to my sister with both congratulations for finishing, more of a communication that I understand where you are right now and I think you should embrace your last days with your friends as much I tried to when I realized it was all about it be over and that I had to move one.
I know my sister will go on to great things and that there will continue to be endings in life that are difficult. It's good to look back and think about how things felt at certain times in life, because remembering them is powerful.

Sunday, May 01, 2005
i stared at her image in the side view mirror. the wind blowing and knew that we must be living in a different realm. and i kept looking at the face. hair blowing. sheer beauty. and i just wanted her to smile and be happy and know that she was loved. i wanted to know that the beauty in her heart and soul just shines. shines. shines. and i wanted to say that everything was okay and that whatever was going on in that mind would be resolved. but i couldn't. so i just looked in the mirror and took in the beauty of the experience. and though i saw her face it was almost as if i could read her heart. and i almost cried. so i shut my eyes and let the music language that carried me. and i knew that this was eternity in the back seat.
can i put you in my pocket and keep you with me always? i don't care if none of us grow, so long as we don't grow together. i don't care what happens as long as you promise that we can be friends forever. FORVEVER. that nothing will ever change and that you will always love me. always.
i cried so hard today. i felt out of control. i still do. no one seems to understand. its weird and it is hard and i am not sure if i am going to make it.
my friends. my friends. my friends.
my heart is breaking. breaking. shine forth sweet sun and melt all these cares away. i promise i will not falter. i will love.

Countdown to Completing Quarter 1 of 6...

2008-12-04T00:34:00.000-08:00

Today kicked serious ass. There is no other way to describe it. Not only did I turn in all but one of my remaining assignments for the quarter, but I also got offered an internship with an organization called OCCORD that I am really stoked about.

I still have mixed feeling about my program, but I seem to have conquered the first quarter, and feel like this internship is a step in the right direction for learning about the areas of the field that I am really the most interested in.

So to sum things up, I am feeling pretty happy. And I also am exploring the possibility of doing a summer program in Europe, which could also make me very happy.

One quick question for any readers: When you were in college did students always clap on the last day of class? I went to my first class today and I thought that students were clapping because the teacher ended the class on a sort of inspirational note, but in my next class it didn't end in quite the same manner, but everyone still clapped. On the way out of class I asked a colleague if that was standard behavior and she said that it had been in every undergraduate class she had taken. Have you had similar experiences? Is it just my small private liberal arts university education that didn't make me aware of this clapping practice or are others not aware of it as well?

The Value of Time with Friends (Thoughts on the Holiday Season)

2008-12-02T23:16:00.000-08:00

This picture was taken by John, who is linked on my sidebar at Mind on Fire. It was taken during a post-Thankgiving Anti-Consumer Party, which makes a point of spending time with friends playing games, eating good food, and enjoying each others company instead of waking up at 5am to hit those huge black Friday sales.

As Christmas is just around the corner, I have been thinking about how most of the gifts I purchase for people will ultimately be bought with student loan money, which isn't the most comforting thought. A friend of mine called me yesterday and asked if rather thank buying gifts for her and her husband, D and I would want to get together with them and make dinner and have a game night. I liked her proactive approach to this and the fact that her idea took the emphasis off purchasing something for each other and put it on spending time with each other, which is really the point of the holidays.

So I am thinking of extending this offer to some other friends because to cook dinner and hang out just sounds so much better than shopping for junk and worrying about money. Perhaps nearer to the holiday and when my finals are finished I will get a creative spark in me, but recently during the holidays I have kind of lacked the energy for that, so I guess we will see.

My Christmas present this year is going to be all about spending time with loved ones, and will include a trip back east with D to meet my family, and take a road trip cross country in the new/used car that my mom has to kindly decided to gift me. So yeah I am getting a big gift, which is really great, but I will honestly be more excited to spend the time with my family then to have a new car.

I value the time I get with friends and family so much and parties like the one in the picture are just a reminder or how much fun that time can be. = )

I am thankful for...

2008-11-27T13:01:00.000-08:00

- canned cranberry sauce. Whenever people gush over the homemade stuff I tell them that I grew up eating in the can, and love it that way. My sister and I used to open up a can and eat it with a spoon. The first thanksgiving I spent away from my family they had homemade stuff and I felt like there was just something missing.

D and I were invited to several places to have Thanksgiving this year but have opted to stay at home and cook a huge meal only for ourselves. The goal is to relax, roll with the punches, and not have any stress over this holiday. In fact, right now he is making me lunch (which I am also thankful for) so that we can relax a bit more before we start cooking the fake turkey log and dressing in a few hours. Other dishes include creamed corn, mashed sweet potatoes, and a pumpkin cheesecake. I know it's a lot of food for two people but I think leftovers are the best part of Thanksgiving, so I am willing to suffer for the excess of food.

I am thankful for many other things.
I am thankful for Christmas I will be able to spend the holiday with my family and David.
I am thankful that I will spend tomorrow playing games and eating more yummy food with good friends.
I am thankful that the quarter has almost come to a close, and I have a manageable amount of work to get done in the next few weeks.
I am thankful that I got to spend time with Jare on her way to Portland.
I am so thankful for this relaxation right now. It feels nice.

Things that Fall by the Wayside

2008-11-18T21:54:00.000-08:00

Since I started school 8 weeks ago several things in my life have fallen by the wayside.
Two things that I miss very much include reading for pleasure and taking pictures.
I have maintained a limited social life, and mostly cram all of my school work into the weekdays so I can have relaxing Fridays-Sunday afternoons (at which point I resume work again.)

I am actually a teeny tiny bit ahead of the game since one of my generous professors reduced a class requirement that takes hours a week in order to allow people to have more time to spend on their papers during the last two weeks of school. Because I am a nerd, and because I like to be proactive and not put things off until the last minute, I have completed a great deal of this paper, leaving me with a small amount of time on my hands, which is nice.

I have certainly had my complaints about the program and UCI, but this is what I asked for isn't it? As I was studying for a final exam I have in class tomorrow and as the concepts started sort of gelling together, I realized that I like being a scholar and understanding new concepts because it makes me feel like I can utilize some of restless brain power. I love when the conclusion of studying for a test makes me feel as though I have really learned something. And because of that I am a nerd.

So I know that my blogging has somewhat gone by the wayside as grad school kicked in, but it's okay because in some form I am 'living the dream.' = )

Eleven days and doing the distance thing...

2008-11-13T20:39:00.000-08:00

I will start out my whining by saying that even though it's an adjustment, I think being 1.5 hours away from each other has been good for D and I. I think it gives us (or at least me) concentrated time to focus on grad school without feeling pulled in other directions by each other. I am personally an attention hog, and if D was here I'd want most of his attention, and I'd want to give him mine. Unfortunately my attention is rather fully spent these days on twenty page papers about urban renewal and in microeconomics of supply and demand, and I really don't have all that much to spare- at least not on the week/classdays.

As this to say that tomorrow will be the 11th day I have not had a hug, kiss, or a cuddle from my love and I am starting to feel pretty in need of all three. I had a great time visiting my sister last weekend in DC, and I have been making some kickass progress on school assignments, but I am really just ready for a big ole' hug and kiss from David.

Monday was the 2nd year anniversary of our first date. We have grown so much in that time. We have grown as individuals and as a unit. It has been rough at times, but I think the difficulties are so worth is because the end product is a beautiful and intricate process that has left me more bonded with a person than I could have ever thought possible. It's hard to put it into words and to make other people understand the profundity of it, but I really feel like I have a mate and a life partner. Someone who accepts me as I am and challenges me to be the best I can be. Someone who is willing to work hard to make things work. Someone to laugh and cry with. Someone to share the mundane details of a day at school or the exciting details of a trip to a far away place. Someone to care about and someone who care about me just as much.

I am all mushy, but 11 days it a long time. As is two years. I feel like I am just get excited about all the future time we might have together because the process has been beautiful so far, and it seems like it can only get more beautiful and deeper than it already is, and that's lot to be excited about, isn't it?

My growing list of things they should tell you when you're in grad school

2008-11-12T12:57:00.001-08:00

1. You have a mailbox, in a mail room and knowing where that is could be crucial to your existence,

2. There is probably a fridge in your departments lounge that you can keep you lunch in and even a microwave use so you don't have eat lukewarm leftovers.

3.There is a room in the library just for grad students, so you don't have to find a spot among all the undergrads who are using up the power outlets on the first and fourth floor just to play online video poker.

I guess there is a learning curve, huh?

Mixed Emotions

2008-11-05T10:02:00.001-08:00

If I wasn't about 1 hour out from a midterm, I would write more of my own thoughts, but I have to echo John's thoughts in this post where he discusses one civil rights victory and one defeat.

All the money that was poured into this kind of makes my stomach turn a lot.

But I am celebrating the presidential victory...

Mircoeconomics and Sex

2008-10-30T00:32:00.000-07:00

Today in my Micro class the teacher was telling the class how it would be really difficult to work out a certain problem that he had given us and that it was going to take a substantial amount of time and effort, and that we might find this to be an annoyance, but it is what he likes to call learning.

He then proceeded to say that the first time it would be long and difficult, but all the following times you could get it done much more easily and a lot faster. But he reiterated the much easier and faster thing several times.

I started laughing a lot, and someone looked at me like I was crazy, but all I could think of from his explanation was sex.

I mean I guess the first time doesn't always take a really long time, but it could be really difficult, no?

Hmm. I don't know if you see a parallel, but I definitely laughed in my micro class today, which is a rarity, so I was happy.

Friday Night- Fighing with Myself

2008-10-24T23:54:00.000-07:00

I think that the major beast I am fighting tonight is exhaustion, and I should just go to bed, but I am sitting up here looking at my best friend's stuff that is all over the living room, and I am thinking about how starting tomorrow she will no longer be my roommate, and how it's a very sad thing for me.

I have most certainly taken for granted the fact that I had such a wonderful living situation living with my best friend. I have two other roommate besides my current roommates, and although they both remain friends neither one of them was my best friend, like Jare is.

We wait for each other to get home and catch up with each other at home almost everyday. We have gone to Portland together twice and San Francisco together once. We have never had any major drama in our relationship, and I think that we have always been very honest and open with each other. Although we sometimes have really insightful wisdom to offer to each other, we mainly just listen to, empathize with, and share with each other.

I didn't even meet Jare until I was a senior in high school, but when I moved out here she helped me move into my house, and basically put my bed together for me. She is awesome, strong, smart, and has an amazing heart, and I am so happy that she is going somewhere that she needs to be, but at the same time I might be crying a little bit because it's hard to realize how much you take people for granted until they are leaving.

So I am really sad, but happy at the same time. I know we will email and keep in touch, and really she is only about an hour (I think) across the Mexican border, so it's not like she moved that my farther away than David did. I need to get over my fear of driving across the border and just do it.

So maybe I am not going to sleep because I am sad, and wishing that she would walk up the steps to hang out for a little bit on the last night that she lives here, but I think it's late and she probably spent the night at her home in Riverside.

I'm pretty sad, but very thankful that I have been so blessed by amazing friends (who feel like family) like Jare.

Also if you are interested in donating to her or just learning about what she is going to be doing in Mexico there is a link to her blog here. Again, she has an amazing heart and will impact so many people in the future. The kids at this orphanage are going to love her so much, but I don't know if they will love her as much as me.

I am not completely invested in this election,

2008-10-24T23:53:00.000-07:00

but I would still like a shirt that said this.

I needed a good laugh

2008-10-24T23:30:00.000-07:00

This article if written by David Sedaris and published in the current addition of the New Yorker. I was going to post a link, but it's to good to to copy and paste.

I saw Sedaris tonight at the Long Beach Convention Center and this story was by far the star of the show.

I don’t know that it was always this way, but, for as long as I can remember, just as we move into the final weeks of the Presidential campaign the focus shifts to the undecided voters. “Who are they?” the news anchors ask. “And how might they determine the outcome of this election?”
Then you’ll see this man or woman— someone, I always think, who looks very happy to be on TV. “Well, Charlie,” they say, “I’ve gone back and forth on the issues and whatnot, but I just can’t seem to make up my mind!” Some insist that there’s very little difference between candidate A and candidate B. Others claim that they’re with A on defense and health care but are leaning toward B when it comes to the economy.
I look at these people and can’t quite believe that they exist. Are they professional actors? I wonder. Or are they simply laymen who want a lot of attention?
To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. “Can I interest you in the chicken?” she asks. “Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?”
To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked.
I mean, really, what’s to be confused about?
When doubting that anyone could not know whom they’re voting for, I inevitably think back to November, 1968. Hubert Humphrey was running against Richard Nixon, and when my mother couldn’t choose between them she had me do it for her. It was crazy. One minute I was eating potato chips in front of the TV, and the next I was at the fire station, waiting with people whose kids I went to school with. When it was our turn, we were led by a woman wearing a sash to one of a half-dozen booths, the curtain of which closed after we entered.
“Go ahead,” my mother said. “Flick a switch, any switch.”
I looked at the panel in front of me.
“Start on the judges or whatever and we’ll be here all day, so just pick a President and make it fast. We’ve wasted enough time already.”
“Which one do you think is best?” I asked.
“I don’t have an opinion,” she told me. “That’s why I’m letting you do it. Come on, now, vote.”
I put my finger on Hubert Humphrey and then on Richard Nixon, neither of whom meant anything to me. What I most liked about democracy, at least so far, was the booth—its quiet civility, its atmosphere of importance. “Hmm,” I said, wondering how long we could stay before someone came and kicked us out.
Ideally, my mother would have waited outside, but, as she said, there was no way an unescorted eleven-year-old would be allowed to vote, or even hang out, seeing as the lines were long and the polls were open for only one day. “Will you please hurry it up?” she hissed.
“Wouldn’t it be nice to have something like this in our living room?” I asked. “Maybe we could use the same curtains we have on the windows.”
“All right, that’s it.” My mother reached for Humphrey but I beat her to it, and cast our vote for Richard Nixon, who had the same last name as a man at our church. I assumed that the two were related, and only discovered afterward that I was wrong. Richard Nixon had always been Nixon, while the man at my church had shortened his name from something funnier but considerably less poster-friendly—Nickapopapopolis, maybe.
“Oh, well,” I said.
We drove back home, and when asked by my father whom she had voted for, my mother said that it was none of his business.
“What do you mean, ‘none of my business’?” he said. “I told you to vote Republican.”
“Well, maybe I did and maybe I didn’t.”
“You’re not telling me you voted for Humphrey.” He said this as if she had marched through the streets with a pan on her head.
“No,” she said. “I’m not telling you that. I’m not telling you anything. It’s private—all right? My political opinions are none of your concern.”
“What political opinions?” he said. “I’m the one who took you down to register. You didn’t even know there was an election until I told you.”
“Well, thanks for telling me.”
She turned to open a can of mushroom soup. This would be poured over pork chops and noodles and served as our dinner, casserole style. Once we’d taken our seats at the table, my parents would stop fighting directly, and continue their argument through my sisters and me. Lisa might tell a story about her day at school and, if my father said it was interesting, my mother would laugh.
“What’s so funny?” he’d say.
“Nothing. It’s just that, well, I suppose everyone has a different standard. That’s all.”
When told by my father that I was holding my fork wrong, my mother would say that I was holding it right, or right in “certain circlesWe don’t know how people eat the world over,” she’d say, not to him but to the buffet or the picture window, as if the statement had nothing to do with any of us.
I wasn’t looking forward to that kind of evening, and so I told my father that I had voted. “She let me,” I said. “And I picked Nixon.”
“Well, at least someone in the family has some brains.” He patted me on the shoulder and as my mother turned away I understood that I had chosen the wrong person.
I didn’t vote again until 1976, when I was nineteen and legally registered. Because I was at college out of state, I sent my ballot through the mail. The choice that year was between Jimmy Carter and Gerald Ford. Most of my friends were going for Carter, but, as an art major, I identified myself as a maverick. “That means an original,” I told my roommate. “Someone who lets the chips fall where they may.” Because I made my own rules and didn’t give a damn what anyone else thought of them, I decided to write in the name of Jerry Brown, who, it was rumored, liked to smoke pot. This was an issue very close to my heart—too close, obviously, as it amounted to a complete waste. Still, though, it taught me a valuable lesson: calling yourself a maverick is a sure sign that you’re not one.
I wonder if, in the end, the undecideds aren’t the biggest pessimists of all. Here they could order the airline chicken, but, then again, hmm. “Isn’t that adding an extra step?” they ask themselves. “If it’s all going to be chewed up and swallowed, why not cut to the chase, and go with the platter of shit?”
Ah, though, that’s where the broken glass comes in. ♦

Intolerant of intolerance...

2008-10-17T13:15:00.000-07:00

I am pretty embarrassed of how emotion and angry I have gotten lately over Proposition 8. I think that I am mainky ashamed because I feel like reacting in an overly angry way because in some ways I feel that this puts me in the 'warring' mode that the people I am opposed to seem to be.

But really when I see bumper stickers or signs or when someone mentions that they plan on voting yes, my blood boils and I have to take several deep breaths and try to calm down.

At the heart I feel that is a civil rights issue and that by not allowing same sex couples to get married we are denying them of a basic civil right that other adults who are straight have. I think in a few more decades we will look back on this issue and see that our current treatment of homosexuals (as implied by the propositon proposal) is similar to the way we treated african americans several decades ago. Maybe some people will just think that's rhetoric, but I really think this proposition implies separate treatment that is not equal.

I get so frustrated by the fact that the church feels that this should be a public law enforced issue. I don't think that they shouldn't be able to impose their moral codes on their own members, but to try and make the general public be accountable to their faith's morality just seems like a too much to ask.

But I don't think itls really something anyone would want to get me started on... I just needed to vent a little.

Ironic

2008-10-13T22:16:00.000-07:00

My screenname isn't catbonny for nothing. I am 110% a cat lover, and can remember being one since I was in diapers. (I literally have a picture of myself tackling a cat while I was still in a diaper.)

We had cats for a little while when I was little, but when my father was out of the picture we didn't have any more cats until I adopted a neighborhood stray that has been with us (or is still with my mom) for about 8 years now. She started as an outdoor cat, and became more accustomed to the house, and then got a litter box, and now that my sister and I do not live here I am pretty sure she has the run of the house.

The ironic part of the whole cat situation is that I am also extremely allergic. I went to spend the last weekend in SD with D and spent the whole time sneezing, blowing my noes, and rubbing my eyes or taking benadyrl and getting all stoned on it...

And yet, I really think I can take the allergies because of how much I love them. Also, I tend to build up immunity to them after I live with them for a while. I just think it's silly that I have been so attracted to them for so long, and that my body goes crazy when it exposed to their dander and hair. It's kind of sad, and makes me wonder what it will be like when D and I get a cat in a small apartment or house some day and it will make me all sneezy all the time...

I still pick them up, kiss them, and cuddle them in bed, but man do they make me feel sick.

Train blog

2008-10-10T15:44:00.000-07:00

So I realize that by getting to the train station at 12:30 and not getting to san diego until 3:50 is a little bit less time efficient than driving, because those are not peak traffic hours. However, since D comes to OC every Sunday I refuse to drive down here just so that we cab drive two cars up there. That seems to eco non_efficient_ to me so I can't do it in good conscience.

And today I have also realized that I can drink beer, do homework, and blog while on the train so maybe it is time efficient in the respect of the fact that I can do things I wouldn't do if driving.

I actually kind of like the train, but did you know that trains pretty much as not on time as planes? For some reason this surprises me.

Talking to yourself

2008-10-06T15:08:00.000-07:00

So the other day when I was in Trader Joe's I noticed that like four people around me were talking on their blue tooth headsets, which I think, makes them look like they are talking to themselves.

When I was checking out I said something to the cashier to the effect that it must be weird to be servicing all of these people who just seemed to be talking to themselves. When he didn't say anything I got a little bit self-conscious and said that maybe I just couldn't get used to it.

He never responded to what I was saying at all. He just gave me my bag and told me thanks and have a good night.

As I walked out I wondered if he didn't agree with me or if he just thought I had been talking to someone on my own bluetooth the whole time I was checking out and that's why he didn't respond.

Hmm. If nothing else I laughed while entertaining the thought.

Missing in Action

2008-10-01T08:41:00.000-07:00

I have been pretty consumed by life lately. Between trying to find D a place to live, trying to find a job for me, and becoming a student I have been kind of busy. I also realized that I had a lot of free time at work to spend on the computer while at work, and now that time doesn't exist as much, so my presence on the inter-web is a little less than before.

But anyway, starting my degree in the area of planning has really made me think more closely about what it is I want to do in the field. I was initially drawn to the field because I feel really passionate about environmentalism and sustainable planning, and I still feel those things. At the same time I realize that the socioeconomic side of planning addresses the basic needs of people, and usually they are the same people who need to just survive rather than try to be Eco-conscious. I have thought a lot about whether or not being Eco-conscious is something for the privileged, mainly because when you are just trying to get by, you are not usually thinking about the long-term effects of your actions on the planet.

I guess I would like to try to figure out an answer between the two things. How can environmentalism be something that is made accessible and important to all classes? How can environmental justice issues in places like Wilmington- where there are oil refineries in people's back yard-be addressed?

It's a lot to think about and at this point I can honestly say I have no clue which direction I will move in, but it's exciting and daunting at the same time.

Househunting

2008-09-14T21:19:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I have mentioned this as of yet, but D happened to move into a pretty yucky place in San Diego. Their kitchen has to be a health hazard, and the people there are not so nice, so he is looking for another one...

After he thought he had found a place earlier this week, and it fell through, I decided that we were going to search high and low and find a place by the end of the weekend. We saw a total of 10 places in two days, and between seeing these places and just corresponding with people via email (through craigslist) we got some real entertainment for free...

Some of the highlights of the house hunting included

the girl who had a bong in the middle of the living room when we got there (and this actually one of the places that looked really good, and made it onto D's list of acceptable places)
the lady (who had a three year old) and followed us out to the car saying that she just wanted to make sure she knew that room came with a key, so that D could lock the door to his room and be the only one who had access to it
the man who told us that I could come over as long as I didn't spend the night because 'they were not set-up for that'
the lady who emailed us and said that he'd be sharing the place with her and her 16 year old daughter, and they were both 420 friendly
when David mentioned that one reason he was moving was because he roommates left out dishes of rotting food for weeks at a time, one guy told him that that kind of happens sometimes are the place he was seeing
the trailer for rent in someones backyard for only $600 a month-this was advertised as a studio

I know that there were other funny things, but these are the few that I can remember after all of this. It was actually kind of successful though, and I think there are many good options on the table, which is a great thing. I hope to be moving stuff next weekend, and not meeting a million people again, but I guess we shall see...

I just wonder about ALL the people who specifically state that they are 420 friendly. I mean is it a craiglist or a San Diego thing?

When life gets exciting...

2008-09-07T22:13:00.000-07:00

Most of you know I am a major stress case. I have spent the last several weeks stressing about various things, and one of those things is going from a decent income to a zero income and a negative income that involves paying expenses with student loans.

So I have been spending time looking at tutoring, admin, and random part time positions, and that's not really the most fun thing I have ever done, but tonight I looked at the UCI Planning, Policy, and Design website, and was taking a look at all the great places their students have interned at, and that made me feel really excited.

Because there are so many cool planning organizations right in my back yard, and this really is the perfect place to work on a career in Urban Planning with a focus on environmental sustainability. I guess maybe I just get scared that I am waiting for this program to have everything fall in my lap, but I don't think that's really what I am doing.

I am going to be getting a really good starting point, and foundation on something I really want to do and something I am passionate about, and while there are common day stresses to think about I really should be sitting on my couch thinking about how excited and how fortunate I am to have an opportunity to pursue the education that it going to give me so much opportunity in a field I think I might just love.

It's also exciting that my love is doing something very similar.

And I guess in that way I am way less stressed and way more excited than I have realized in a few weeks.

Odd Jobs, and Some Really Odd Jobs

2008-09-04T16:55:00.000-07:00

I have been working since I turned 14 (which was totally legal in Maryland). As I have been spending the past few days looking at different part time employment opportunities, I have been thinking about some of the funnier and weirder positions I have had over the years. Most of them were during college...

I worked a temp position as a temp worker (really kind of a paper-folder) for a big convention for People Soft at the Anaheim convention center, and on the night they had their big gala type thing with lots of free delicious food, I stopped working for a bit to enjoy the festivities.

I was hired as a house cleaner, but wound up being more of a post-divorce friend a counselor for a lady who had divorced her husband about a year before she hired me and had not cleaned her house since. This was sad, and also very disgusting. It was just gross things like not cleaning your bathroom sink or changing the sheets on your kids bed for a year that kind of got to me. But most of the weeks she would send me home having worked less than she hired me to work and paying me our agreed price. So that was nice.

I was a care-taker for an elderly woman who needed someone to stay with her while her live-in friend and caretaker had some time out on the town. One activity that she liked was reading the paper, but a few weeks into it I realized it was usually the Sunday paper and she wanted to look at every single section including the ads, and she couldn't really hear me when I read them to her so I had to repeat myself a lot. I started disassembling the paper before we read it to avoid the business section. I tried to take her to get milkshakes at Ruby's once, but she got very scared on the car ride there, so we had to go home.

I was a nanny for one of the member's of Dave Matthew's Band and they put me up at the Ritz Carlton in San Francisco for a week. That was a totally random/fun/awful/experience.

I nannied for a lady who let her three year-old hit me in front of her without saying anything. Needless to say this was pretty awful and I had no control or respect in the relationship with the little girl. I dreaded going to this job.

I worked for the Gallup Organization taking telephone polls, and while this was supposed to be a really great job and opportunity, I had a hard time trying to keep people on the phones for twenty minute surveys when their child was crying in the background. I only lasted about 3 days, and when I quit the lady basically told me that I would be a failure in life if I gave up so easily, and she made me cry and to this day I am still trying to prove her wrong.

I had a guy on craigslist allow me to come to his house babysit and drive his daughter around without event speaking to me on the phone. We had only emailed, and while I am really trustworthy person I thought it was really scary that someone would trust their child's life in the hands of a stranger.

At least I have a lot of good stories to tell. Some possible jobs that I might take in the next few months are working in flue clinics at different retail stores or participating in a phone fund raiser. It will be weird working for ten bucks and hour again, but hopefully my next job will be something fun rather than data entry tedium.

Love

2008-09-03T14:09:00.000-07:00

So if you haven't heard me whine about it yet D has moved to San Diego.

I am feeling more adjusted than I first was, but perhaps this is because I got to spend 5 nights and days with him for the long weekend.

And this morning I got a really sweet email from him, and it reminded me of when we used to send each other pages upon pages of emails when we were first meeting each other and first dating.

We have both grown and progressed so much as people since two years ago.

I love him a lot and I don't think I ever realized how a loving relationship and partnership really works and how caught up in someone elses existence you can be.

I like being caught up in it, and while change sucks, I feel like we have a good year in front of us, and hopefully many good years after that,

First Impulsive Buy With Student Loan Money

2008-08-27T21:17:00.000-07:00

That's right. It's a little baby computer, and I don't feel too bad because is was $310 with shipping and some people have phones that cost more than that. So I justify it by saying it will be good for school, it will let me loan David my big laptop because his wireless sucks, and I haven't had a new cell phone in three years.

I don't know if it's really impulse, now I just have to remember student loans have to satisfy all normal bill payments until part time work is acquired. Fun stuff.

How I started my morning

2008-08-27T14:23:00.000-07:00

Would you like some whipped cream on your home-brewed coffee?
Yes, please.

Three good things...

2008-08-26T10:06:00.000-07:00

So I have been having a hard time adjusting and have been struggling with major anxiety/emotional distress lately. In an attempt to put a positive spin on today I told him that tomorrow (which is today) we should both tell each other three positive things so that we have some assurance that we are doing well.

His three things.

1. He got a new phone plan and he can talk to me whenever he wants to for free.
2. He has been getting more writing done since he has been in San Diego.
3. He had a bad dream about something in Orange County last night, but woke up and realized that he was 100 miles away from Orange County and didn't have to deal with it. (I am being vague about this specifically, but it's actually a very positive thing.)

My three things.

1- False thing- I bought him a cat to bring to his new place to keep him company, and I brought said cat to work with me today to spend the day with me, but soon it would move in with him. He pointed out that this was not a positive thing for him, and I said yes I know, but for me it would be very positive.

1. (Real) I was looking at my google calendar and realizing I only have three weeks at my job after this week. WooHoo!!
2. I have a 4 day weekend coming up and will hopefully get to spend most of that time with D.
3. (Half true, and more for for a joke.) I didn't smoke pot at the Radiohead concert last night. Mind you I have not smoked pot for a good three or more years and have never really gotten high, but last night there was a lot of pot being passed around and I was really tempted because it seemed to fit the mood, but I stuck with tobacco sticks instead because you wants to puff on a joint with a strangers mouth on in. That sounds yucky. So yeah, that was more of a joke one to comment on all the pot last night then to say that it was really a positive thing that I didn't smoke pot.
4. (Back to the real) I have a really great boyfriend who loves me a lot. (David reminded me of this, which was nice of him.)

I feel really good today, which is awesome. I liked starting the day like this.

If you were watching the security video...

2008-08-23T21:15:00.000-07:00

If you happen to be watching the security video from the Kinko's located at UCI from about 11:00 am this morning, you would see two adults come in with three bags brimming full of Farmer's Market produce.

You'd see the female walk over to the copy center and head right for the free scotch tape. She would have been tearing off long pieces and sticking them to the palms and fingers of her hand and then ripping them off one at a time. The male you'd see walking over to get some not free packing tape with he offers to the female, but she declines. Then she take some more tape and wraps it around 4 of her fingers, two on each hand. She wonders of she should leave them there because they make her prickly fingers feel better, but decides not to and asks her partner in crime to remove the tape from her four fingers. She then wipes here hands and few times, and gathers her bags, removing the greens from the top of her bunch of beets and puts them in trash receptacle. She has been laughing for the entire duration of this time in Kinkos.

And you'd probably laugh too if you saw the tape of David and I in Kinkos this morning as I tried to remove the teeny tiny hair like spines that had gotten into my hands from the cactus fruit I bought this morning.

I am not sure after all that that I will be able to eat the fruit without first having rubber gloves to handle them.

Lots of laughs and a little bit of ouch.

Her look definitely says...

2008-08-20T14:19:00.000-07:00

We went to a wedding this weekend and we have photos.

I cannot wait to see Bri's photo's from the event. She is such a wonderful photographer and always has so many shots I would never even think of.

Good times, people getting married, cheers.

Without you...

2008-08-19T12:27:00.000-07:00

Who would I be?

Struggling.

2008-08-18T14:57:00.000-07:00

So as much as your psyche up yourself for big changes, and as much as you tell yourself that the big changes are not big- you never know until it really happens.

In other words D has kind of officially moved, and I have been kind of emotionally bonkers for a few days, and I don't like it at all.

I want to be strong and cool and collected as to make it much easier for him to transition and start his much dreamed of MFA.

Please send light and prayers that my school gets here soon so I can shift my focus away from both hating my job and missing my boyfriend, to pursuing something I really care about.

If you are not familar with this look let me clue you in.

2008-08-18T14:51:00.000-07:00

It's the
my love, I usually think you are so very charming, and lovely, but at the moment you have a had few too many beers at this wedding and are annoyingly flashing your camera in the faces of unsuspecting wedding guests, and my feet hurt, and I wouldn't mind going home and putting you in bed because you are acting really silly
face.

Why I am cannot be a part of a traditional, conservative, faith (Christian) tradition, and why I like being a Quaker.

2008-08-13T17:00:00.000-07:00

After reading several different posts about the LDS (and many other conservative Christian) churches response and actions based on Proposition 8 I have felt really thankful to be a part of the faith community I am currently in.

Maybe Proposition 8 has been less on my radar than it should be. I know that I was stoked when gay marriage was legalized in the state because it seems to me like it's way over due.

But maybe I also choose not to think about it because I remember when I was in college one of the professors I respected the most (and still have a relationship/friendship) with three years after college graduation tried to convince his classes that gay marriage should not be legalized by the government because it opened up doors to all kinds of evils. I remember him saying on numerous occasion that if the state sanctioned man and man or woman and woman marriage what would keep it from also sanctioned man and rooster or man and child marriages?

And I can't exactly pin point how I felt about this at the time or how I responded, but maybe I thought that he had a point, and maybe I didn't. I am not sure, but I am sure that it is this kind of thinking (among other things) that caused me to run quickly in the other direction from evangelical Christianity. I think what strikes me the hardest about it is the unwillingness to respect and more so accept the life choices of mature adult people. One thing that I struggle with so much in religion is the boxed in worldview is tends to give people- the worldview that says that it's my way or no way, and I cannot respect or accept that people are really happy outside of my way because even if they think they are happy now, in eternity they will be damned. To me religion seems to be more of a focus on the after death than there here and now, I am am living now, so that's what I want to focus on.

Blegh I feel like I could verbally vomit a lot about religion and the use of church as a political machine. I could say yes I know there are exceptions in all cases. I realize that not all conservative Christian places of worship are talking about these issues from the pulpit, but I think I just have little tolerance for it because if I was put in that situation as a member of a congregation I would just leave.

Because of John's post about this I have thought a lot about what I could do to 'support and validate' those who are struggling within Conservative Christian congregations and while I feel like holding up signs and pointing out the close-mindedness of these institutions could at least send a message, I feel more inclined to just flee in the other direction (like I already have) and to take struggling people with me to the Quaker meeting. I mean I say this with much sarcasm, and I totally support and respect those who fight closed-mindedness from within their institutions, but I find this kind of thing totally frustrating- and it makes me feel pretty helpless.

A New One

2008-08-13T11:26:00.000-07:00

Since my vacation I seemed to have cooked a bit less, although D has definitely been contributing his fare share of the meal cooking...

My newest food encounter is beets. I remember at the Friends Retreat at Easter we had some wonderful golden beet soup, and really liked it, and David mentioned we should use more beets, but I have to be honest- they totally intimidate me. They have that yucky looking outer peel, and I thought you had to roast them for hours at a time. It turns out you can just boil them like potatoes.

I I boiled them for about 45 minutes the other night (until I good get the fork in easily) and then I chopped them up (skin and all) and put them in the fridge.

I did a little searching for recipes, and decided I would add bleu cheese, walnuts, red onion, and a salad dressing made of lime juice, honey Dijon mustard, balsamic vinegar, some other salad dressing, and a pinch or two of sugar. And not only was it beautiful (beets are so pretty) but it also tasted pretty amazing. David really liked it, which is always a huge surprise for me.

Next on my list is beet borscht. Anyone ever had/made it? I am hoping to find some golden beets at the market in the next month or so...

Stress Busters

2008-08-11T21:48:00.001-07:00

I realize today that something I have known for a long time. I have a really hard time not letting the pain/stress of someone I love become my own pain/stress.

But I am working on changing that, because it makes me a healthier person...

So my stress busters for today included

Freshly chopped watermelon from the Farmer's Market.
Having an Italian Dinner at The Soprano's (with Jare) while doing my wash at the laundromat next door.
Swimming laps for about 25 minutes at an apartment complex's pool. (close to me)
Losing myself in the final book of the Twilight series at lunch and after my post-pool shower.

I think I will sleep well tonight and that tomorrow will be a good day because after work David will come over, give me lots of hugs, and play TtR with me until I am ready to snuggle.

Oh, so much to look forward to...

A Friend speaking my mind.

2008-08-10T20:28:00.000-07:00

I feel like my friends have experienced and overwhelming amount of trouble in this past weeks...

Jana's post has been all too helpful to processing all of the grief, hurt, sickness, and change that has occurred in lives around me. I like her take on blogging and interpreting the things that 'have to be done in life'. I feel like my blogging tends towards celebrating and lamenting certain events/people/experiences in my life. It's like every few days I get to remind myself and others of my existence by showing them pictures of my life and sharing brief funny snippets or long scattered thoughts.

I'd like to make everyone around me feel whole and healthy, but instead I think I will just encourage them make peace with their daily struggles and to get through the things that we have to do, and that we unfortunately have to go through during rough patches in life.

I wish I could say it was well as Jana did, but I feel really drained, and just very thankful that friends like her speak into my life when I need it most. It is so refreshing to hear the thoughts of others and to know that they are working just as hard as you to interpret the events in their day to day life and their day to day struggles. (And joys)

I lack much insight right now. I feel overwhelmingly happy and centered in my own life position, and I am oh so grateful that life is that way at moment, and at the same time I feel a little but off kilter because I see the world shaking for so many people around me.

Not so eloquent...

2008-08-08T12:09:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have been riding a calm wave in a tumultuous sea that has been roaring around me...
I am ready for school.
I am ready for David to move, because I think visiting him will be like my new vacation spot.
I feel good, loved, and calm-overall.
But I also feel very inadequate because I don't seem to have the right words right now to provide great insight of make people feel better.
I feel a lot of pressure to be the perfect friend who is always there, makes everything better, and solves everyone's problems.
I have felt like until this morning I have been detached enough to not feel for inadequate, but like I sort of reached a breaking point this morning.
And it kind of makes me feel like crap, because having your own emotional issues in the midst of someone else's does not help anyone.

So I think I am not looking for the right words, or phrases, or answers or actions. I am looking for the strength within myself to not feel guilty and insecure and inadequate because of what's going on around me. I am looking for the strength to be at peace with my surroundings, and to be the best friend I can be for those in my life. I am looking for the actions and time to be the best partner I can be for David as he transitions into moving. I am looking within to be able to keep a calm and steady demeanor and to be happy and guilt free.

It's difficult for me.

Fun things from our trip...

2008-08-04T08:06:00.000-07:00

Because I need to think about fun stuff right now-

Spending $20 at the arcade to win 300 tickets with which we purchased a 2 dollar ash tray and a 50 cent beer bottle opener key chain.
Crossing PCH after being at the gaudy (ridiculous) Hearst Castle and going to stand out on the pier for about a half an hour- watching the pelicans dive in the water, the sea lions swim, and making friend with one particular friendly (and maybe injured) pelican.
David buying the best smoked salmon I have ever had and eating it for breakfast with sourdough bread and roasted garlic.
Staying in a REALLY nice hotel on Atascadero, which is the closest thing I have ever stayed in to the Ritz Carlton in San Fran (which was on someone else's dime), and taking a bath in the amazing whirlpool tub for an hour after D went to sleep.
Feeding some of the trout at the Monterey Bay Aquarium when we were on the super secret behind-the-scenes tour.
Taking some time out of all the touristy stuff to make our own breakfast and play boardgames in the redwood forest.
Stopping at the winery, having some wine tastes, and them making a PBJ and cucumber picnic outside- for our lunch.
Being very comfortable and content with my travel companion as we listened to books on tape and music, stayed in 5 different places, encountered new things, ate good and bad food, and enjoyed each others company on our short sojourn.

Some favorites from my trip...

2008-08-01T08:13:00.000-07:00

I posted MANY pictures from our trip if you would like to see them. I put a favorite album which is mostly pictures us, and then I separated them by place. If you want to see the creatures check out the Monterey Bay Aquarium one- and if you are into otters (like me) there is a special album just with the sea otters, with the fresh water otters being in the bigger album.

I have to thank David for taking pictures of me and for being such a good sport because I know he hates having his picture taken- although i think dating me has made it a little less painful. At least I hope so.

Popping out to say...

2008-07-30T20:35:00.000-07:00

We are home from our lovely vacation that started in Santa Barbara and ended in Santa Cruz. We had a fabulous time making friends with the animals at the Monterey Bay Aquarium and at the many piers and wharfs we visited. More than anything else I think we both enjoyed the company of one another on our first adult vacation.

I think I will have to say more about that later, but suffice to say I saw two humpback whales, many otters, and had a whole lot of fun with my love, and I have the pictures to prove it.

Real life seems rough after such a great few days away from it all, but I guess there is something to be said for home.

I heart photos

2008-07-22T11:17:00.000-07:00

So the challenge in recently joined Flickr group was to do some light painting. You should check out the group and see what other people did, but I like this one a lot. It's my heart of flames. I posted the other ones I took here. (I like the one with David encircled in my flame rope paint.)

This is a really cool technique called light painting which I had never heard of until the challenge. It involves leaving the shutter of your camera open for a longer period of time- I had some issues with trying to do in in a well lit room, but it worked much better in the garage.

I did these with a stick lighter that David gave me, but look forward to trying some more in the future with a flashlight...

Buck tradition...

2008-07-19T22:01:00.000-07:00

I feel like everyone around me is getting married, and while I am really happy for them I think I have a hard time with all the ceremony surrounding weddings and marriage.

I recently acquired a new bridesmaid dress that will not be unused because the wedding will be no longer. And while the gown is brown I have been seriously considering having it seriously altered and saving as a wedding dress for a future date. I don't need to wear white.

And bridal showers are cute and everything, and it made me so happy to be at my friend's today and to see all the great stuff she got to move into her new place with her new hubby in a few weeks, but I think that I am not going to be whole scrap-booky person when it comes to a shower. I also think it would be cool to have something where you don't have a real registry per se, but maybe a general list of things you need/want and then encourage friends and family to help you find things at good will, free cycle, or craiglist. I know I would probably love a whole bunch of new kitchen gadgets, but I also think that I'd be thrilled if my roommate just let me keep the cast iron (I think) pots and pans with the really 80's yellow outside that were in the apartment when we moved in.

As for ceremony- I am thinking something small and outdoors with a BBQ/potluck.

I mean I'm not getting married any time soon, so it's not a huge thing, but every time I experience/ hear about all the planning and ceremony etc I just think it's not really something I am interested in for myself. I guess I should revel and have fun with other people's events and not keep thinking about how much I want to buck tradition. (But it is a little fun to think about.)

Counting down the days...

2008-07-18T13:58:00.001-07:00

I am going on vacation in a week, and I cannot wait.

Stops and extended stays are to include Santa Barbara, San Simeon, Atascadero/Paso Robles, Monterrey, Santa Cruz, and a small town called Ben Lomond near Santa Cruz.

We are taking the 101 to Monterrey because we aren't sure how PCH will be looking with all the recent burn activity. Possible stops on the 101 could be Salinas and Gilroy, but we are just not sure yet. We will also be hitting up some wineries along the way.

Definites for the trip are the Hearst Castle and the Monterrey Bay Aquarium, and a lot of relaxation.

Please send me recommendations for these areas for your favorite restaurants, viewing spots, interesting activities, and such... They would be greatly appreciated.

I've been through some of the areas before quickly, but am looking to have a really great time.

Because laughing is good for your health

2008-07-17T12:13:00.000-07:00

If you are not into Flight of the Conchords you should be.

Big Sister

2008-07-14T11:13:00.000-07:00

Besides being a HIGHly emotional person in the first place, I always have trouble when I leave or my family members leave me to go back on a plane somewhere far away. I kind of have this policy now that family members do not get walked into the airport. They have to be dropped off at the curb because this ensures a swift departure and no crying at the airport security checkpoint line. It's hard to drive anywhere after or get on a plane when you are crying, so I try to avoid this now- even though it's difficult.

I have to say that one of the most alone times was when I watched my mom get on the shuttle and go home from Chile and knew my sister was in Brazil, and I was in this huge city all by myself. It wasn't the city itself that made me feel alone- it's just the act of putting someone on a plane and knowing how far anyone with your bloodlines is from you.

The last time my little sister left California she got home really late the night before she was leaving. I think I left to work and she took a super shuttle home, and when I got home there was a note on my bed that still floats around my room and makes me cry every now and then.

That night in bed with David I asked him to hold me as I cried- explaining that I just missed my sister. I felt desperate and sad not knowing when I would see her next (although I knew it would be in Chile)...

It's hard to describe my relationship with my sister- although I sometimes feel like she is kind of the same person as me, and yet so different. I think we would agree that as we have both grown up we have grown apart in terms of our interests and maybe not our personalities so much as the things we do for fun. I am not sure how to explain it other than to say that we are growing into our own persons as we grow up, but we still have this really amazing strong bond. We still look and talk like sisters. We still have all the same memories from when we were little. We are still us, just bigger/older versions, with much stronger opinions.

I like the person my sister has become. She is strong, smart, independent, funny, and well aware of the world around here (and that which is not so close.) I am proud of her. I love and hold her so close my heart.

I think maybe it's harder for me to think about my sister as a peer rather than a younger sibling I need to be an example for or more than that- I think I have always wanted to impress her and to have her think I was really cool. I wanted her to want to be like me for a long time. I don't think it was as much being self-centered as just knowing that I was an important example for her, and that meant a lot.

This weekend I keep reminding her that she is my 'my little babers' and then I tell her that I remember when she had just eaten lunch and I decided to dance with her and shake her up, which caused her to barf on me. We were just sitting on the floor, but I definitely screamed and let go of her. She was old enough to sit up and crawl so she recovered much faster than myself, myself who was upset about the throw up on my pretty clothes.

We are adults now, but she'll always be my baby sister, and those are two things that I struggle to reconcile, although I am getting the hang of it more and more.

Sister's on a 'Booze Cruise'

2008-07-14T09:13:00.000-07:00

We only call is that because of The Office.

Black and White Friends

2008-07-13T16:53:00.000-07:00

If you don't have to work because your little sister is here and you are going to the Wild Animal Park

2008-07-11T08:44:00.000-07:00

But you still get up at 7am because you want to gather all the book you need for your first photo challenge for a new Flckr group called a Certain Slant of Light

and then you go running down the street in your PJs (minus bra) because you hear the street sweeper turn on and you don't want to get a ticket-

Well, then you could be me, and you could be ready for an awesome weekend with your little sister. Who you snap a picture of while she is asleep.

Look how happy we were and how pretty the sky was on the 4th of July.

2008-07-10T16:51:00.000-07:00

We were happy to get away from all the drunken craziness in Newport Beach. It was such a pleasant afternoon in San Clemente. Good food, good company, good music, and we didn't have to fight traffic at all. (Smile)