A Quakerly Engagement

David and I are Quakers, and this is the fourth Easter that we have spent in Julian, CA. It is a small apple farming and historically gold mining town in the east of San Diego County. The Orange County Friends go there yearly to a Episcopal Campground that values organic cooking, gardening, and nature. We hang out, play games, spend time with each other, eat wonderful food, and talk about Quakerly themed things.

This year we went back to the roots of Quakerism and talked about the core Values of Quakerism. They are Equality, Unity, Simplicity, Community, Integrity, and Peace. We had several discussions and reflections on these values, and I have to say that I really think David and I's engagement was a reflection of several of them.

The engagement was planned. It was something we had discussed for a long time- a mutual decision. I gave David lot's of overt clues because I still like a bit of surprise- but the decision to commit to each other in this way was something that had been discussed and agreed upon in advance. On Sunday morning, while the children were going on the Easter Egg hunt we took a walk in the woods, and unfortunately as we were about to stop we realized that the awful smell around us was several large compost piles- so we walked a bit farther into the woods. Then David handed me a letter- he said that as a writer this was something he wanted to choose his words carefully before (but that I shouldn't worry because he would still do the knee thing at the end)

The letter was wonderful, and warm, and I think most important to me it was honest and real. It reflected on why he loves me, and the growth that we have seen through the years of our relationship. I think this is my favorite part of the letter.

I don't think you can ever really be certain about what the future holds. But I've let go of my need for certainty, for surety. The process of living is full of risks, full of doubts, full of challenges and compromises and failed ideals. But it's possible to find someone who can help you through all that. And then, when you do meet your goals or fulfill some of those ideals and dreams, you can share that joy with another person, and it's even possible for that other person to help you along the way.

When I finished the letter and crying he got on his knee and I said yes, and cried more and we hugged a lot. It was great and private and real and honest-all of those things.

Then we went back and popped a champagne bottle with the rest of the Friends and had a toast and many hugs and congratulations. After this we had our silent meeting for worship and there were several messages given that included the topic of marriage. I also shared something at meeting. I spoke on the fact that our engagement was evidence of our Quaker values.

Many people gave me a hard time about pre-planning something that is traditionally a surprise- but I think that because equality is at the heart of our relationship it was something that we very much wanted to be mutually planned and mutually decided upon. I am okay with David getting on his knee and giving me a ring, but as far as the traditional surprise element went- I just don't think this goes along with our relationship. We take care to make important decisions together and for us this was one of them. (I am not insulting anyone who has been surprised, I just think that this was right for us.)

I had discussed this topic of engagement with a Friend the day before and she shared with me the process by which her and her partner were engaged. She understood our mutual planning and related to it- this drove home to me the fact that getting engaged and celebrating with the Friends was something that was important to me because I knew that they would understand and support the emphasis on equity in our relationship.

Another value of Quakerism that I felt was emphasized was that of simplicity. I chose a simple ring, but besides that it was a pretty simple engagement. It involved nature, a letter, Friends, and two people who loved each other. Nothing extraneous was needed. The words David used were not over the top or utterly romantic. They were simple and honest- and that is certainly things I want base my relationship in.

The third value I feel was emphasized was community. Having our Friends there to celebrate us and support us meant the world to me. In many ways the people at this meeting have watched us grow. Several specific Friends have been there for us in times of struggle to support us an encourage us on our way- so we felt that it was only appropriate to share something like this with the community that is like a family to us. This week we will continue the celebration with other close friends- because we value the people who love and support us as a couple.

I am not writing all of this to toot my own horn, so to speak. It took a weekend of discussion and conversation for me to truly understand how our values were reflected by the choices we have made in our relationship and in this act of engagement. Because of this reflection and the realization that everything about what happened this Easter was such a good reflection our values as a couple, this act of engagement means more to me then I really ever knew it would.

I am kind of on cloud 9 right now. I am so excited about the future and a relationship with someone who shares this core values with me. We have grown so much ins 3.5 years that I can't imagine the growth that could occur in a lifetime together.

I will leave you with the comic David included in the letter he gave me before he asked me to marry him. Enjoy.

Funk

I have been in such a non-productive funk for the past week. I used my birthday as an excuse for a while, and then I even bought a Chinchilla which has served as a lovely distraction, but I have this sense of nagging in me- I have to finish my thesis in three weeks, and I have to do school work, and eventually I have to graduate, find a job, pay student loans, and the like. I am pretty overwhelmed by the end of this two year vacation of sorts, and I feel like the fact that it is ending quickly has caused me to slow my pace immensely, and the bottomline is that at the moment I am pretty scared shitless of the real world- I lived there before and I was okay, but now I have a ton more debt, and I have to get a job to legitimize that- and I am freakin scared.

One upon a time...

I went to Bulgaria, but I had to write a thesis and go to class, and maintain a romantic relationship and friendships--- so I didn't have a ton of time to write about my adventures. Barely even time to show you pictures- It was a wonderful O'Neill Christmas in a far away land, and while we struggled to get there, we did get there eventually, and seeing my Hermanita made it worth all the strife of getting there.

D and I have very different feelings about the holidays. I love them, and he does not. This has been something that we have both adjusted to as a couple. He kind of let's me make a bigger deal out of things than he might like, and I try to restrain myself a bit in order to make him feel more comfortable.

For me, the holidays are about tradition and family, and they are pretty soft traditions in a lot of ways. Generally they meant piling into the car and driving for several hours to eat a large meal with my extended family. Sometimes we would all sit around the table to enjoy the meal and other times we would grab a place on a sofa with a tv tray. The setting that I remember most is my aunt tinas old house that had a basement where the kids could hang out. I don't know if it was a holiday or not, but I have been told that one time my sister fell down those long dark steps to the basement in her baby walker, and she survived...

For me the holidays are not about gifts. They are about loud people that I only get to laugh with a few times a year, and trying to sneak some of my grandmas cookies before dinner time. It's been years since I lived on the same coast as my extended family. I know that since then I have really not spent many thanksgivings with them. I spent a few with my sister out here, which was nice, and one in Chile....or I think maybe on a plane to Chile and that was a pretty surreal experience.

Last year david and I cooked more food than it was possible to eat and had leftovers for days. I think I remember it being a quiet relaxing day which is kind of a new one for me, but also a good thing.... I guess maybe we are starting our own traditions now, which is weird to think of... I think that whenever I get the chance to spend the holidays with my extended family, I will cherish their novelty, and when I am with anna and mommers I will usually feel the most at home. It's comforting to establish a new familiarity with david... and also because he is not super into the holidays I don't think he will be quite so sad when I chose to spend the time with my mom and sister. So cheers to new traditions, definitions of home, and in about a month, a very Bulgarian Christmas...

i like coffee and tea. i like harry potter and saves the day. - 22‏

Three years ago, I was home for a week after I dropped out of the credential program at Vanguard. I was waiting to go back to work full time and I was bored, so I thought I would look for some instant entertainment by posting a CL personal ad. Below is the response that I got from one gentleman caller. You have to understand that this is an extremely stark contrast to most of the responses I got, which just asked me to come hook up for the afternoon, but didn't ask in such un-crude terms. (I said it was for entertainment.)

I'm intrigued by your ad. I'm a single 25-year-old male who would like a meaningful relationship with a woman. I can't say that I'm familiar with any of the bands you name--I'm more metal than punk and indie rock--but I'm almost ashamed to admit that I do know quite a bit about Harry Potter. If you want to get some idea of who I am, you could take a look at my journal. Feel free to contact me by email or on AIM (Anima Umbrae), or to exchange pictures, if you want. In any event , I wish you luck with your search.

Anyway- I guess it was meant to be, because I responded to this email and three years later here I am. D and I have had wonderful and challenging times, but I have to say that overall it has been incredible, and I am so extremely happy to be with someone I love and respect as much as D. I have most of the emails from our first exchanges saved, so I might post a few (non-embarrassing) things in this coming week to celebrate the anniversary of three years of dating and loving one another.

It Makes Me Smile

These days I am taking less time to smile, and more time to 'manage' time and stress. I don't think my management of either or the two has been so great as of late, but what can I say?

This is essentially my last heavy quarter of coursework, and I am struggling through it. I think that the workload combined with the fact that I am having to coordinate with so many actual live people this quarter- and am really struggling with it- has made things so difficult. I really want to be an effective writer, researcher, etc. and do good work for the people I am working with, and yet it still seems really difficult to coordinate things sometimes, and I am so limited in my time, that it makes everything seem so much heavier.

One way I am trying to manage stress is to think about the fact that in less than two months I will be visiting my sister in Bulgaria. And all of this will be over. In the mean time, I look at pictures like this, and they make me happy. They make me wish that my job was to organize pumpkin carvings too, but at the same time, I know Anna's role there is a lot harder than that.

Anyway, here are some lovely fall pictures from Bulgaria- they will be getting an American taste of Halloween this year, with the candy corn and rite aid decorations that I sent them all the way from California. I wish I fit into a priority mail flat rate package sometimes. =)





These days, I

In Which I was in Spain and Then Fell off the Face of Planet

I

I blogged pretty consistently at the beginning of Spain, but then I just couldn't do that and skype everyone I needed to, and sleep for at least 6 hours a night, so I kind of got out of the habit. So I figured I'd recount some of the things that I did with mom after I left Spain.

Our trip consisted of Dublin--> Edinburgh--> Northern Ireland (Belfast)-->Dublin-->Republic of Ireland (Galway, Derry Coast, Blarney Castle)--> Dublin

Some highlights included:

- So I knew that the bus your I booked looked like it had the potential to be a party bus, but the website made me think that it was a bit more diverse. However as soon as we got onto the bus of 20 year old Aussies and Kiwis (mainly) and the flamboyantly gay (and really hot driver) started talking about what drink specials we were going to get that night, I knew that I might have been wrong. My mom was the only one on the bus over 30 or so, and there were definitely no families on this trip. I was a bit worried at first, but my mom totally took things in stride. I am not sure if she took a sip of the first bottle of alcohol that was getting passed around on the bus, but somewhere on the ride of the first day one of the blokes started calling her Old Mother Hubbard. We drank with the crew that night, and had a really good time- so despite the fact that it was a party tour and not really mother daughter family atmosphere we had a wonderful time, made good friends, and saw things in Ireland that you have to see such as the Blarney Castle/Stone, The Cliffs of Moher,and a few Leprechauns

(Here is mom and the tour guide on the first night out)

-I enjoyed my first class of Guinness at the Guinness factory- I am not sure if it just tastes better with the Irish Water or when you are on the top of a 10 story building that has a panoramic view. I haven't tried to drink any since I got home, and when I do so it will only be from the tap. I'd have to say that Ireland made me a believer when it came to Guinness, even though I think that there is some debate regarding how much Guinness the Irish themselves drink. I was told that if you went into the most non-toursity of bars you would find locals drinking Bud Light, which in my opinion is a damn shame.


-I actually thought that the Blarney Stone was pretty scary. And because there is a long as line of people beside you that are waiting in this really narrow and even more scary dark windy staircase, you have to go really fast when you kiss it, and I don't think we really got any good pictures because it went so fast, and I hated it anyway because I had to take off my glasses and I couldn't see anything. I thought that I would just be kissing a rock, not one that I had to lay down and do a back bend on te top of a castle to kiss, and honestly, I am not even sure if I needed to kiss it, because if you know me then you might agree that I already have the gift of gab, right?


- There was a domestic dispute in one of the rooms neighboring us on our last night in Dublin. There was a lot of slamming and screaming, and we called the front desk to tell them about it, and they already knew which room it was in, and I don't know if that was a good or a bad thing. I don't think we would have called the hotel a loss had we not been stuck in the elevator for 10 minutes the night before, only to ask the lady at the front desk if this happened frequently, and having her reply yes it does, don't ever take it. Nice one.

Anyway, those are just a few of the highlights of the trip with mom and I. I have so many more good stories and memories, and have been working hard to get all of my pictures from the trip centrally located here.

I hope to write more about it at some point.