Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Relationships 101

I have been with D for like 2.5 years now, or something like that, but I feel like I am still learning to be someone who is compatible with someone else. I need to be someone who is sensitive enough, but not over sensitive, interested enough, but not too nagging, etc. I guess that's to say that it is something that requires a constant tweaking of balance. Especially because we are not in the living together stage, we are still in this part where we are not completely involved in everything else the other one does yet, but still are interested- at least I think he is interested in my stuff to. ;)

Last night when I was taking a break from school work I was thinking about how one thing I need to work on it the ability to not feel responsible for someone else's feelings. I have always been the friend who feels like if you are sad then nothing more than my friendship should be enough to serve as a reminded that things will be okay, but this doesn't always work. Sometimes people have hard times and struggle with happiness and even if you are a part of that person's like you are not going to the instant thing that makes everything better. My problem is that I think I should be an instant fix. And then I tend to get a little bit angry at the other person when I am not their instant fix- not angry as much as frustrated, but I feel like I sit in front of D sometimes waving my hands and saying "UMMM BUT I'M Great!!!" and then get mad when he is not instantly happy again. I think that I realize that this is pretty silly and a little self centered. While I want him to think of me and our relationship as a positive thing to reflect on, I can't expect to be the cure all of everything, and when I do I am just going to let myself down.

And hell, I know plenty of women who are married, and have unhappy husbands and they are fine with it- in fact it doesn't seem to get them down at all. Okay, that's a joke. When you care about someone it is hard to not be attached to all of their emotions, but I am still seeking a healthy balance in this area. Maybe I am getting closer.

1 comment:

Kathryn Quick said...

This is so familiar to me. I too want to be the salve for any loved one's pain of any sort, and exhaust myself at it, and not infrequently exhaust and annoy them also in the process. It's quite difficult. Sometimes I feel, when they don't respond to the overtures of love and expressions of care, irritated, then we may argue, then I feel as if I am part of the problem and wonder whether I'm more burden than help. That's a very painful place to be. I don't think it's desirable, really, to care about loved ones less, but sometimes I feel that I don't have another way to protect my vulnerability to their moods than to pay less attention. That's not necessarily caring less - they might experience it as caring more, having more confidence in them - but it often feels to me as if I'd necessarily be loving them less if I felt what they felt less deeply. It's a hard road to walk.