In Utero

This post is in the spirit of John's post on Mind on Fire and his openness about becoming Sterile- which I think we both agree, as this time in our lives, is a good thing.

The picture above it the Mirena IUD, which women can have inserted into their uterus for five years as the most effective form of birth control out there. (99.9%) This one, in contrast to others in the market, is hormonal, which helps women who have heavy periods and bad cramps to regulate such things. While many people I know have compared IUDs to have perpetual abortions my doctor explained that this is not true. Many people think that what the IUD does is to keep an fertilized egg from implanting in the lining of the uterus, and therefore whenever you have a fertilized egg you are aborting it via the IUD. My doctor told me that this is not what the facts state. She explained that the IUD creates an environment in the uterus in which an egg is 99.9% unlikely to ever be fertilized by a sperm, which kind of negates the whole abortion argument.

My experience getting the IUD in was not the best at all. I used the restroom as soon as I got to the office and unfortunately this was a bad choice because it took me over 40 minutes to produce any more pee for a pregnancy test. When I was confirmed negative the doctor showed it to me and explained the the procedure involved measuring my uterus first so she would know how far to insert it. She said that depending on the position of my cervix and my uterus that she might need to clamp down my cervix to hold it in place, but fortunately she did not, because she said that this could be the most painful part of the process. I found the measuring and insertion to be extremely painful. I screamed ouch a few times and help on tight to a pillow, but the procedure was only 5 minutes long, so it's not too much to handle.

The hours following the insertion were pretty painful. It felt like extremely bad menstrual cramps that come from uterine contractions. Since I have never had a baby, I think it might be similar to having labor contractions, but I guess I won't know that for another 5 years (at least). I spent my evening in the bath, curled up with a heating bad, and cringing from the pain. I took Aleve, Ibubrofen, and eventually a muscle relaxer for my legs because I had been clenching them so much from the pain. I woke up this morning, and I feel way better, although mildly uncomfortable at different times of the day.

So, now I am sterile, which is pretty exciting considering I will no longer have to remember to take a pill every day, and I won't have to hormone shots that making a raging crying bitch, and I won't have to by any more pregnancy tests because I tend to have really irregular or non-existent periods.

So, I am pretty happy about the whole thing. I go back in a month for the doctor to check it out. I am pretty glad that this little device is the only think that will be In Utero until I decide it's time for a baby.

Great Gatsby

Minus the demon eyes, this is what I looked like when all decked out for a speakeasy- Great Gatsby Style. I think there might be better pictures showing fishnets and all.

It was a friend's boyfriend's birthday party, but she didn't know that it was also a surprise engagement party. It was certainly one with lots of style. I am glad she will always have such an awesome memory of last night.

Beach Birds

This morning in meeting I finished a book by Severo Sarduy called Beach Birds. The explanation says that it is written in a Baroque style, and while that is not something I completely familiar with, I can say it was a rather abstractly written story about many sick people living on a Island in a hospital and dying from a disease that is probably AIDS. The language was beautiful and the plot many times a bit hard to follow, but the main thought in the story that resonated with me is how all of these characters are fighting so hard against death. Immortelle, one of the dying, fights to hard in a search to regain her youth through the use of fashion, romance, sex, exercise, and alternative medicines, when the sad truth is she will never regain her youth again.

As the characters reach towards death one of them ponders what the afterlife will hold. There is discussion of how the hope in death is that it will be this wonderful, final sleep- that death will be this utter cessation of being. There will be no colors. There is will be approval or judgment. There will just be a lack of being. No more energy to expend. Rest.

I talked to someone very close to myself about this concept some time ago and we expressed the peace that may come with knowing that one's being would cease after death. Others who I am close to have expressed that they would feel so sad to have all of these things in the universe continue to happen without our knowing about them. And if life is really only the years that we have on this earth, then what does that ultimately mean? Does it mean that nothing we can do during those years can really have that big of an impact on what happens when we lay to rest? Or does it mean the opposite?

I thought on this for some time this morning. I don't have any answers. I do find something beautiful in being able to live fully in the years we have on earth and getting to rest fully after those years have past. Then I thought about those I had lost and whether or not I will think of them as a cessation of being of a continual spiritual presence in an afterworld. In one way I feel that those who came before us do continue to exist through the ways that they influenced us. They exist in us. I feel happy to think of those who are no longer on earth as achieving this ultimate rest. To have no more struggles or emotions, but just to return to the earth from which we came.

It's sad and at the same time it's not sad. It's certainly a mindful.

Adventures In Real Life

I have been lazy about posting, but am proud that was able to accomplish my first quarter of grad school with all A's. Woohoo me.

Then David and I went on a long adventure which included this snowy, butt-freezing-off, cold toes trip to the icy grand canyon. I will be less lazy and post more pictures from our adventures to meet my family and then to traverse the country conquering the challenges of vegetarianism in the South. = )

I am not ready to be starting a new quarter, but here we go...

Because endings are hard...

My sister is graduating. I just listened to her last radio show, and she sounded emotional, which made me cry for some reason. I looked up an old blog entry from around the time I graduated, and it makes me realize that I have forgotten the overwhelming feeling of leaving my college life behind. I have forgotten how much I valued my college experience and my friends and how hard it was to leave them. (It was so hard that I moved back 4 months later)
So I guess this post is dedicated to my sister with both congratulations for finishing, more of a communication that I understand where you are right now and I think you should embrace your last days with your friends as much I tried to when I realized it was all about it be over and that I had to move one.
I know my sister will go on to great things and that there will continue to be endings in life that are difficult. It's good to look back and think about how things felt at certain times in life, because remembering them is powerful.

Sunday, May 01, 2005
i stared at her image in the side view mirror. the wind blowing and knew that we must be living in a different realm. and i kept looking at the face. hair blowing. sheer beauty. and i just wanted her to smile and be happy and know that she was loved. i wanted to know that the beauty in her heart and soul just shines. shines. shines. and i wanted to say that everything was okay and that whatever was going on in that mind would be resolved. but i couldn't. so i just looked in the mirror and took in the beauty of the experience. and though i saw her face it was almost as if i could read her heart. and i almost cried. so i shut my eyes and let the music language that carried me. and i knew that this was eternity in the back seat.
can i put you in my pocket and keep you with me always? i don't care if none of us grow, so long as we don't grow together. i don't care what happens as long as you promise that we can be friends forever. FORVEVER. that nothing will ever change and that you will always love me. always.
i cried so hard today. i felt out of control. i still do. no one seems to understand. its weird and it is hard and i am not sure if i am going to make it.
my friends. my friends. my friends.
my heart is breaking. breaking. shine forth sweet sun and melt all these cares away. i promise i will not falter. i will love.

Countdown to Completing Quarter 1 of 6...

Today kicked serious ass. There is no other way to describe it. Not only did I turn in all but one of my remaining assignments for the quarter, but I also got offered an internship with an organization called OCCORD that I am really stoked about.

I still have mixed feeling about my program, but I seem to have conquered the first quarter, and feel like this internship is a step in the right direction for learning about the areas of the field that I am really the most interested in.

So to sum things up, I am feeling pretty happy. And I also am exploring the possibility of doing a summer program in Europe, which could also make me very happy.


One quick question for any readers: When you were in college did students always clap on the last day of class? I went to my first class today and I thought that students were clapping because the teacher ended the class on a sort of inspirational note, but in my next class it didn't end in quite the same manner, but everyone still clapped. On the way out of class I asked a colleague if that was standard behavior and she said that it had been in every undergraduate class she had taken. Have you had similar experiences? Is it just my small private liberal arts university education that didn't make me aware of this clapping practice or are others not aware of it as well?

The Value of Time with Friends (Thoughts on the Holiday Season)

This picture was taken by John, who is linked on my sidebar at Mind on Fire. It was taken during a post-Thankgiving Anti-Consumer Party, which makes a point of spending time with friends playing games, eating good food, and enjoying each others company instead of waking up at 5am to hit those huge black Friday sales.

As Christmas is just around the corner, I have been thinking about how most of the gifts I purchase for people will ultimately be bought with student loan money, which isn't the most comforting thought. A friend of mine called me yesterday and asked if rather thank buying gifts for her and her husband, D and I would want to get together with them and make dinner and have a game night. I liked her proactive approach to this and the fact that her idea took the emphasis off purchasing something for each other and put it on spending time with each other, which is really the point of the holidays.

So I am thinking of extending this offer to some other friends because to cook dinner and hang out just sounds so much better than shopping for junk and worrying about money. Perhaps nearer to the holiday and when my finals are finished I will get a creative spark in me, but recently during the holidays I have kind of lacked the energy for that, so I guess we will see.

My Christmas present this year is going to be all about spending time with loved ones, and will include a trip back east with D to meet my family, and take a road trip cross country in the new/used car that my mom has to kindly decided to gift me. So yeah I am getting a big gift, which is really great, but I will honestly be more excited to spend the time with my family then to have a new car.

I value the time I get with friends and family so much and parties like the one in the picture are just a reminder or how much fun that time can be. = )