First Impulsive Buy With Student Loan Money

That's right. It's a little baby computer, and I don't feel too bad because is was $310 with shipping and some people have phones that cost more than that. So I justify it by saying it will be good for school, it will let me loan David my big laptop because his wireless sucks, and I haven't had a new cell phone in three years.

I don't know if it's really impulse, now I just have to remember student loans have to satisfy all normal bill payments until part time work is acquired. Fun stuff.

How I started my morning

Would you like some whipped cream on your home-brewed coffee?
Yes, please.

Three good things...

So I have been having a hard time adjusting and have been struggling with major anxiety/emotional distress lately. In an attempt to put a positive spin on today I told him that tomorrow (which is today) we should both tell each other three positive things so that we have some assurance that we are doing well.

His three things.

1. He got a new phone plan and he can talk to me whenever he wants to for free.
2. He has been getting more writing done since he has been in San Diego.
3. He had a bad dream about something in Orange County last night, but woke up and realized that he was 100 miles away from Orange County and didn't have to deal with it. (I am being vague about this specifically, but it's actually a very positive thing.)

My three things.

1- False thing- I bought him a cat to bring to his new place to keep him company, and I brought said cat to work with me today to spend the day with me, but soon it would move in with him. He pointed out that this was not a positive thing for him, and I said yes I know, but for me it would be very positive.

1. (Real) I was looking at my google calendar and realizing I only have three weeks at my job after this week. WooHoo!!
2. I have a 4 day weekend coming up and will hopefully get to spend most of that time with D.
3. (Half true, and more for for a joke.) I didn't smoke pot at the Radiohead concert last night. Mind you I have not smoked pot for a good three or more years and have never really gotten high, but last night there was a lot of pot being passed around and I was really tempted because it seemed to fit the mood, but I stuck with tobacco sticks instead because you wants to puff on a joint with a strangers mouth on in. That sounds yucky. So yeah, that was more of a joke one to comment on all the pot last night then to say that it was really a positive thing that I didn't smoke pot.
4. (Back to the real) I have a really great boyfriend who loves me a lot. (David reminded me of this, which was nice of him.)

I feel really good today, which is awesome. I liked starting the day like this.

If you were watching the security video...

If you happen to be watching the security video from the Kinko's located at UCI from about 11:00 am this morning, you would see two adults come in with three bags brimming full of Farmer's Market produce.

You'd see the female walk over to the copy center and head right for the free scotch tape. She would have been tearing off long pieces and sticking them to the palms and fingers of her hand and then ripping them off one at a time. The male you'd see walking over to get some not free packing tape with he offers to the female, but she declines. Then she take some more tape and wraps it around 4 of her fingers, two on each hand. She wonders of she should leave them there because they make her prickly fingers feel better, but decides not to and asks her partner in crime to remove the tape from her four fingers. She then wipes here hands and few times, and gathers her bags, removing the greens from the top of her bunch of beets and puts them in trash receptacle. She has been laughing for the entire duration of this time in Kinkos.

And you'd probably laugh too if you saw the tape of David and I in Kinkos this morning as I tried to remove the teeny tiny hair like spines that had gotten into my hands from the cactus fruit I bought this morning.

I am not sure after all that that I will be able to eat the fruit without first having rubber gloves to handle them.

Lots of laughs and a little bit of ouch.

Her look definitely says...

We went to a wedding this weekend and we have photos.

I cannot wait to see Bri's photo's from the event. She is such a wonderful photographer and always has so many shots I would never even think of.

Good times, people getting married, cheers.

Without you...

Who would I be?

Struggling.

So as much as your psyche up yourself for big changes, and as much as you tell yourself that the big changes are not big- you never know until it really happens.

In other words D has kind of officially moved, and I have been kind of emotionally bonkers for a few days, and I don't like it at all.

I want to be strong and cool and collected as to make it much easier for him to transition and start his much dreamed of MFA.

Please send light and prayers that my school gets here soon so I can shift my focus away from both hating my job and missing my boyfriend, to pursuing something I really care about.

If you are not familar with this look let me clue you in.

It's the
my love, I usually think you are so very charming, and lovely, but at the moment you have a had few too many beers at this wedding and are annoyingly flashing your camera in the faces of unsuspecting wedding guests, and my feet hurt, and I wouldn't mind going home and putting you in bed because you are acting really silly
face.

Why I am cannot be a part of a traditional, conservative, faith (Christian) tradition, and why I like being a Quaker.

After reading several different posts about the LDS (and many other conservative Christian) churches response and actions based on Proposition 8 I have felt really thankful to be a part of the faith community I am currently in.



Maybe Proposition 8 has been less on my radar than it should be. I know that I was stoked when gay marriage was legalized in the state because it seems to me like it's way over due.



But maybe I also choose not to think about it because I remember when I was in college one of the professors I respected the most (and still have a relationship/friendship) with three years after college graduation tried to convince his classes that gay marriage should not be legalized by the government because it opened up doors to all kinds of evils. I remember him saying on numerous occasion that if the state sanctioned man and man or woman and woman marriage what would keep it from also sanctioned man and rooster or man and child marriages?

And I can't exactly pin point how I felt about this at the time or how I responded, but maybe I thought that he had a point, and maybe I didn't. I am not sure, but I am sure that it is this kind of thinking (among other things) that caused me to run quickly in the other direction from evangelical Christianity. I think what strikes me the hardest about it is the unwillingness to respect and more so accept the life choices of mature adult people. One thing that I struggle with so much in religion is the boxed in worldview is tends to give people- the worldview that says that it's my way or no way, and I cannot respect or accept that people are really happy outside of my way because even if they think they are happy now, in eternity they will be damned. To me religion seems to be more of a focus on the after death than there here and now, I am am living now, so that's what I want to focus on.



Blegh I feel like I could verbally vomit a lot about religion and the use of church as a political machine. I could say yes I know there are exceptions in all cases. I realize that not all conservative Christian places of worship are talking about these issues from the pulpit, but I think I just have little tolerance for it because if I was put in that situation as a member of a congregation I would just leave.

Because of John's post about this I have thought a lot about what I could do to 'support and validate' those who are struggling within Conservative Christian congregations and while I feel like holding up signs and pointing out the close-mindedness of these institutions could at least send a message, I feel more inclined to just flee in the other direction (like I already have) and to take struggling people with me to the Quaker meeting. I mean I say this with much sarcasm, and I totally support and respect those who fight closed-mindedness from within their institutions, but I find this kind of thing totally frustrating- and it makes me feel pretty helpless.

A New One

Since my vacation I seemed to have cooked a bit less, although D has definitely been contributing his fare share of the meal cooking...

My newest food encounter is beets. I remember at the Friends Retreat at Easter we had some wonderful golden beet soup, and really liked it, and David mentioned we should use more beets, but I have to be honest- they totally intimidate me. They have that yucky looking outer peel, and I thought you had to roast them for hours at a time. It turns out you can just boil them like potatoes.

I I boiled them for about 45 minutes the other night (until I good get the fork in easily) and then I chopped them up (skin and all) and put them in the fridge.

I did a little searching for recipes, and decided I would add bleu cheese, walnuts, red onion, and a salad dressing made of lime juice, honey Dijon mustard, balsamic vinegar, some other salad dressing, and a pinch or two of sugar. And not only was it beautiful (beets are so pretty) but it also tasted pretty amazing. David really liked it, which is always a huge surprise for me.

Next on my list is beet borscht. Anyone ever had/made it? I am hoping to find some golden beets at the market in the next month or so...

Stress Busters

I realize today that something I have known for a long time. I have a really hard time not letting the pain/stress of someone I love become my own pain/stress.

But I am working on changing that, because it makes me a healthier person...

So my stress busters for today included

• Freshly chopped watermelon from the Farmer's Market.
• Having an Italian Dinner at The Soprano's (with Jare) while doing my wash at the laundromat next door.
• Swimming laps for about 25 minutes at an apartment complex's pool. (close to me)
• Losing myself in the final book of the Twilight series at lunch and after my post-pool shower.

I think I will sleep well tonight and that tomorrow will be a good day because after work David will come over, give me lots of hugs, and play TtR with me until I am ready to snuggle.

Oh, so much to look forward to...

A Friend speaking my mind.

I feel like my friends have experienced and overwhelming amount of trouble in this past weeks...

Jana's post has been all too helpful to processing all of the grief, hurt, sickness, and change that has occurred in lives around me. I like her take on blogging and interpreting the things that 'have to be done in life'. I feel like my blogging tends towards celebrating and lamenting certain events/people/experiences in my life. It's like every few days I get to remind myself and others of my existence by showing them pictures of my life and sharing brief funny snippets or long scattered thoughts.

I'd like to make everyone around me feel whole and healthy, but instead I think I will just encourage them make peace with their daily struggles and to get through the things that we have to do, and that we unfortunately have to go through during rough patches in life.

I wish I could say it was well as Jana did, but I feel really drained, and just very thankful that friends like her speak into my life when I need it most. It is so refreshing to hear the thoughts of others and to know that they are working just as hard as you to interpret the events in their day to day life and their day to day struggles. (And joys)

I lack much insight right now. I feel overwhelmingly happy and centered in my own life position, and I am oh so grateful that life is that way at moment, and at the same time I feel a little but off kilter because I see the world shaking for so many people around me.

Not so eloquent...

I feel like I have been riding a calm wave in a tumultuous sea that has been roaring around me...
I am ready for school.
I am ready for David to move, because I think visiting him will be like my new vacation spot.
I feel good, loved, and calm-overall.
But I also feel very inadequate because I don't seem to have the right words right now to provide great insight of make people feel better.
I feel a lot of pressure to be the perfect friend who is always there, makes everything better, and solves everyone's problems.
I have felt like until this morning I have been detached enough to not feel for inadequate, but like I sort of reached a breaking point this morning.
And it kind of makes me feel like crap, because having your own emotional issues in the midst of someone else's does not help anyone.

So I think I am not looking for the right words, or phrases, or answers or actions. I am looking for the strength within myself to not feel guilty and insecure and inadequate because of what's going on around me. I am looking for the strength to be at peace with my surroundings, and to be the best friend I can be for those in my life. I am looking for the actions and time to be the best partner I can be for David as he transitions into moving. I am looking within to be able to keep a calm and steady demeanor and to be happy and guilt free.

It's difficult for me.

Fun things from our trip...

Because I need to think about fun stuff right now-

• Spending $20 at the arcade to win 300 tickets with which we purchased a 2 dollar ash tray and a 50 cent beer bottle opener key chain.
• Crossing PCH after being at the gaudy (ridiculous) Hearst Castle and going to stand out on the pier for about a half an hour- watching the pelicans dive in the water, the sea lions swim, and making friend with one particular friendly (and maybe injured) pelican.
• David buying the best smoked salmon I have ever had and eating it for breakfast with sourdough bread and roasted garlic.
• Staying in a REALLY nice hotel on Atascadero, which is the closest thing I have ever stayed in to the Ritz Carlton in San Fran (which was on someone else's dime), and taking a bath in the amazing whirlpool tub for an hour after D went to sleep.
• Feeding some of the trout at the Monterey Bay Aquarium when we were on the super secret behind-the-scenes tour.
• Taking some time out of all the touristy stuff to make our own breakfast and play boardgames in the redwood forest.
• Stopping at the winery, having some wine tastes, and them making a PBJ and cucumber picnic outside- for our lunch.
• Being very comfortable and content with my travel companion as we listened to books on tape and music, stayed in 5 different places, encountered new things, ate good and bad food, and enjoyed each others company on our short sojourn.

Some favorites from my trip...

I posted MANY pictures from our trip if you would like to see them. I put a favorite album which is mostly pictures us, and then I separated them by place. If you want to see the creatures check out the Monterey Bay Aquarium one- and if you are into otters (like me) there is a special album just with the sea otters, with the fresh water otters being in the bigger album.

I have to thank David for taking pictures of me and for being such a good sport because I know he hates having his picture taken- although i think dating me has made it a little less painful. At least I hope so.