In Flux

In the past week I have been dealing with the fact that things change in life, and sometimes they change fast and we have to just roll with it, which can be less easy than it sounds, but also not as harder as we normally think.

I few weeks ago my best friend told me that she was almost certainly moving to New York. Since she also happens to be my roommate, this is a slightly big deal. But more so because she is my best friend and I will just miss her.

And on Wednesday D found out that he got a space in the MFA program at San Diego State University (which I am so proud of him for), and of course that means that my love is going to be moving away as well.

I think I am just amazed by how quickly things can change and how quickly we can be jolted out of out comfortable and happy lives and how we have to adapt and adjust rather quickly. It makes me think about kids who grow up to fast because of their parental circumstances, but I guess that I can at least be thankful than now I am just an adult who has to grow up quickly- but who generally has the skills and attributes necessary to adapt when things change quickly.

So I took a mental health (sick day yesterday) and it was a good time to think about things and resolve myself to current changes and to really think about the positive things that can come out of them.

I am really excited for David and I feel secure enough in our relationship that I think this is going to really good for us. But at the same time fast changes kind of suck a little bit.

Oh yeah, and David told me that when he moves to San Diego we can have annual passes to both Sea World and the Zoo and can go there everyday- which means I am the winner in the end!

The reason that I am still awake

Is that I am waiting for David to arrive at my house to I can promptly fall asleep in his arms.

He was at an event that goes rather late and asked me whether or not he thought that he should come over, and I selfishly said yes because I for one prefer to wake up next to him when I have the chance.

And I want to make him breakfast in the morning.

And now he is here. And now I am off to bed with someone to keep my warm.

Have you ever heard of scrapple?

Scrapple is a savory mush of pork scraps and trimmings combined with cornmeal and flour, often buckwheat flour. The mush is formed into a loaf, and slices of the scrapple are then fried before serving. Scraps of meat left over from butchering, too small to be used or sold elsewhere, were made into scrapple to avoid waste. Scrapple is best known as a regional food of Delaware, South Jersey, Pennsylvania, and Maryland. You can read more on Wikipedia.

I am posting this because tonight at Jana's birthday party I asked if anyone had ever heard of this, and they said no. I was shocked. I ever had a fellow east-coaster at the party and I know at least one of the other attenders lived on the East Coast for a while. I didn't realize that this 'savory mush' has such a small region of existence, but now I know.

I grew up eating this occasionally, and the Wikipedia article honestly kind of makes me want to gag. Mainly because of the parts of the pig it includes and also because it mentions the fact that it is gelled into a loaf form. I remember it having a distinct flavor if not more of an extremely distinct texture. The only way I can describe it is that is is a meat flavored slab that has a firm outer layer, but inside it is kind of the texture of mashed potatoes or a hash brown.

Can you say yummy?

Not really though. It's a pretty gross concept overall. My mom never bought it but I definitely had a my fair share of this regional delight when I was coming of age.

I wonder if it is much worse than eating hot dogs?

You gotta spend some time love

Our shadowsHow I wish you could see the potential, the potential of you and me

It's like a book elegantly bound, but in a language that you can't read - just yet

You gotta spend some time--love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find--love, I will possess your heart

I am listening to the new Death Cab for Cutie Album. David pointed about the lyrics to this single a few weeks ago. I really like the line that I underlined.

I also really do think that love requires that you spend some time. I think David wishes it would have taken a little bit less time with me, but I was really scared. In the end our relationship has been all about spending time on things together, working through things together, and spending time having fun together. I don't know if I believe in instant love. I think there is instant connection, but that love and a working relationship are never this easy or instant thing. I feel like the value of a relationship has a lot to do with the time put into it.

And he does possess my heart.

Word of the Day:Sweat

Actually, more like word of the weekend. I think that the temperature in the area hovered around 90 this weekend.

The hottest I felt this weekend was this morning at we sat on the down in the meeting room with about 30 other people with no air conditioning. Being on the third story, with so many people, and no moving air was a little bit brutal. I watched David wipe sweat from his brow for the duration of the meeting. After the meeting he said he tried to cool his core temperature through meditation, and we figured out we should actually raise our core temperatures, so that the 90 degree around us felt cooler.

Yesterday I took a bath for about 1.5 hours to cool down.

The beach is packed and the summer seems to be here. It was exactly pleasant this weekend, but I am definitely ready for summer to be here.

Bridezillas no more

I just this article.

It made me think that it shouldn't take an economy crunch for people to be more frugal and less ridiculous when it comes to budgeting wedding expenses. I for one have always had a real issue with wedding costs and how much money people put into one day of their lives just to have what- good photos? I mean, I know that some girls dream of that fairytale wedding where everything is just perfect, and maybe I have just never dreamed of that. I don't see it being a sacrifice to spend 700 on a dress rather than 3,500. I think that there are much more creative ways to spend money, like having an amazing honeymoon or putting a down payment on a house- something that really will be central to your actual marriage.

I would go on, but I need to get going. All I have to say is that I want a Quaker wedding with minimum costs incurred. Maybe a few hundred to rent a location and a few for food, but mainly I will ask my guests to bring goodies to share with everyone else (potluck) style and maybe even ask them to bring fresh flowers from their gardens for decorations or my bouquet. One of the most quaint and charming weddings I have ever been to was like this, and I was so impressed with the simplicity and lack of frill- I'd love something like that.

Or to spend a bit more to have a destination wedding where maybe not that many people attend, but we get to visit a cool location and get married at the same time.

Sorry for going on. In general wedding talk makes me want to gag. It's just so much money and detailing and fretting and extravagance that really doesn't sit well with me at all. So many an economy crunch causing people to cut back is a great reality check for some people, maybe it will bring a level of practical economic thought into wedding planning that wasn't there before.

Struggling with Peace

Sometimes I think I am the kind of person who does feel at rest when things in life are peaceful. I know that sounds really weird, but I have a hard time with quiet times in life when things seem to be going well, so much that I guess I focus on silly things to be annoyed or stressed out about, even when they are not really worth it.

Recently I have focused a lot on my best friends wedding, just because working out the details have seemed stressful.

I also kind of picked a fight with David the other night and told him that I annoyed him all the time and asked him he was bored with me, etc.

And although I have to say that probably the second example was more hormonal than anything else, I feel really silly for the things that I have decided to stress out about. Because in some cases stress is a choice, and for me lately it has been a choice. Another thing that I tend to do is to stress over other peoples stuff and life situations if I don't have anything in my life to worry about.

The silly think is that my rational mind completely know that it needs to stop this choice to be stressed, but it's a habit I tend to slip into a lot.

It's funny because in college I was always preoccupied with assignments, but I never felt stressed in the same way that I feel stressed about other stuff in life. I felt like the projects I needed to complete were focused and could be accomplished and therefore they didn't take over my life. I think it's funny that I let stupid shit have to much time on the agenda of my mind.

So I am changing everything from this moment forward. Except, not really, because if it was that easy I would snap my hands at all the things I realize about and they'd be gone.

But choosing less stress is certainly something to strive for, and being content with how great my life is right now is something I definitely need to focus on quite a bit.

I am really happy, and I don't always let myself think on that enough.

If my job was to lay on the beach all day...

Then I would probably look this content. More pictures of cuteness here.
Have you ever been to this spot in La Jolla? Why did is take me 6 years of living here to find this gem?

Weekend Fun

This is the first time I had been to La Jolla to see the seals. I haven't uploaded all the pictures yet, but there are some adorable ones. I honestly kind of think they look cuter in the pictures than in real life, but I mean I think I look way cuter in real life than in pictures, so it just goes to show it's all interpretation. ;)

I posted pics of my adventure with my mom in Julian. There are some funny ones in the kitchen and cutes ones of mama at the animal park feeding the Lorakeets.
by catbonny

My Mom and I

Highlights of the weekend included:

• Eating a posh breakfast in Ocean Beach.
• Seeing the dozens of harbor seals at La Jolla. ( I have amazing photos and good video)
• Watching 7 baby lion cabs tumble around at the Wild Animal Park.
• Making about 60 or so pieces of Naan on the huge industrial griddle at Camp Stevens and 'taste testing' it while hot of the grill.
• Making home made cheese. (Lots of it)
• Doing some birdwatching with my mom/chasing a wild turkey.
• Going to a too pricey place for dinner,having my mom pretend she was going to the restroom, and running out the hotel door after her laughing because it was above our price range.
• Laughing with mom.

We had a wonderful time. I am so blessed to have such an amazing mother who shines so much love into my life. I couldn't me more thankful for the weekend, especially because I know she had a blast.

Worry much?

So on Saturday night David and I get into bed around midnight after a day full of adventure, which is pretty close to our normal Saturdays, except that we usually don't stay up this late.
So we are laying in bed, and I start wondering if I shut his cat in his room when we were at his house earlier, and she is an old cat so I am just thinking of how not good it could have been to shut her in there, and I get worried, but there is nothing we can really do at this point.

So the evening proceeds and we are kissing and 'getting in the mood' and I say 'Babe, did you put the feta cheese in the fridge?' I don't remember if he rolled his eyes, but he should have. He says yes he did, but could I please stop worrying about things. He tells me it is really breaking the mood. I tell him I am not good at the mood, and he says he knows.

I really do worry about everything. Here's a short list. I worry about whether or not my cooking is acceptable to the people I serve it to. I worry about money a lot. I worry about my friends and if I have offended in anyway. I worry about what people think of me- socially and morally. I worry about planning things out perfectly. I worry about timing and being late or pressed for time. I worry about David all the time- when he is quiet I think something might be wrong, something he is not telling me, or that I might not be loving enough or responsive enough or kind enough. I am going to stop, because I could go on and on.

So yesterday in the Quaker meeting I thought a lot about worrying and tried to reconcile some of the things I worry about all the time, and tried to gain some peace of mind and resolve about the things I worry about. I thought about how my mom has reminded me in life over and over again that usually the details work themselves out and how generally speaking that is true. I thought about how worrying is kind of a control issue, and by letting go maybe I feel like I am losing control, and maybe that's why I struggle with it. I thought about the fact that worrying could waste so much time and be detrimental to my relationships. I thought about how in America this is a hard time financially and things seems rather uncertain for many people, and how I needed to also let of financial worries, because they don't make me any better in the end, and they cause me to focus on very trivial things that are not worth focusing on.

I tried to focus on my breathe, and I tried to breathe out all my stress and worries, and to accept that things are not in my control and things will work out how they will, and my feeling scared or anxious about it won't really help me change the outcome. I thought about having a relationship that was less weighted by insecurities on my side, and how that would allow me to love and to be loved by David even better, and how it would make things much richer.

So, I think having peace and giving up fear an anxiety is something I need to spend a lot more time meditating on, but I think this was a good start. Realizing the benefits of feeling less controlled by anxiety are at least a beginning. I'll have to see where this journey leads.

I've been kind of s stress ball this week, but

Last night I had the wonderful pleasure of seeing Ira Glass at the This American Life screening that happened in movie theaters across the nation.

And before the show I was telling John and Amy about these underwear, which I apparently saw but didn't read about when I saw them the first time. It's actually a funny story. I actually thought that maybe they sold them at Urban Outfitters or something like that. If so, I certainly would have considered buying a pair.

P.S. Have I ever told you how into customized underwear I am? Ask David about his last Valentine's Day Gift. ;)