2 years later

Two years after I have decided to return to school for a degree, things are wrapping up. I have one final paper to write- that I have been putting off for about a week now, because when I finish writing it I will officially have nothing else to do- and then I will feel even less secure than I do at the moment.

I don't remember being this nervous about life the last time I graduated. I moved home for the summer- saved up a bunch of money-and moved back to S. California where I knew that any old job would work for my needs- I started out by temping and finally got into accounting full time an was making a decent salary in three years time- but I was unfulfilled and unhappy, so I went back to school, and here I am again.

But this time- with a lot more debt to my name- and a job market that looks bleak to say the least. I tell David that I am worried and scared and he says that it won't help me at all to worry. I agree. I won't help. But I can't help it.

Now, not only do I need to find a job to pay my bills and my rent- but I also have to find a job to prove to myself that the last two years of my education and my debt were worth something to me. I mean in reflection, of course they were worth something- but when I enter the job market and don't feel as though there are many openings that relate to my field- what is it really worth. It seems scary that two years after leaving the accounting field, I am thinking that accounting doesn't sound too bad- IF I can get a job doing it...

In all actuality I know that something will work out and something will come up and that worrying won't help- It's just that two years later this is all a lot to think about. Being on the precipice of adult life once again- I always thought that it would be hardest to transition from working full time to going back to school, but I am starting to think that the harder transition is going to be going from being in school full time to working again.

Funny how it works out that way.

College Envy

I decided I wanted to go to Vanguard when I was 15 or 16. I was visiting another Assemblies fo God College for the weekend and felt like God told me that I should go to Vanguard. I am not talking about God speaking in a voice or anything, but I had a feeling. I went to visit the school as a Junior in high school and pretty much had my sites set on it. I planned on being a Math major and doubling in religion and the reason Vanguard worked was because it was one of two Assemblies of God schools that had s Math Major.

The choice to go to Vanguard- while at the time was definitely what I wanted- kind of felt like a let down in some ways because the school was known for being easy to get into, and was not exactly ranked highly in academics compared to other schools that I had dreamed of going to for years. I still have the M.I.T sweatshirt, because for nothing other than the name it was my dream school for several years as a teenager. I think my mom wanted me to apply there just to see if I could have gotten in, but instead I applied to Virginia Tech (good school for math, science, computer, etc.) and got in with little effort. But alas I went to Vanguard because I knew it was what I was called to do.

I am not at all making fun or questioning 'my calling' to Vanguard. I loved the school. I loved my education. I made some of the best friends of my life. I had professors that I still interact with normally. Because of the cost I decided to graduate a year early so I only spent three years there.

The summer after graduation, before returning to California I moved home, and stayed to help my sister move into her freshman year of college at American University in Washington D.C. I remember having a really hard time moving her onto campus, because I felt like I should be going back to school myself. I was also overwhelmed by the size of her schools and the many Gay/Lesbian, Jewish, etc clubs on her campus. There were booths set up for Frats, and College Republicans and Democrats, and I remember thinking that I missed out on all this diversity at Vanguard and feeling kind of cheated by that in a small way. I also felt cheated out of one more year of school, but I think I had had my fill of Vanguard at that point.

Anyway, on Friday night I was having dinner with a fellow Vanguard grad, and her friend who graduated from UCLA along with my UCI Alum David, and I said I felt like my opportunity to go to UC Irvine for grad school was like a chance to redeem myself. My friend from Vanguard commented that she felt like she had a great education there. I told her that I didn't disagree, but I also don't think I will know how well my education served me until I see how well I am able to do when I initially start grad school.

In general I feel like I have something to prove intellectually, and I feel like by going to an academically respected institution like UCI I will have the academic backing that I really desire in my life. I know it sounds kind of weird, but being from another state, it's kind of a big deal to go to a UC at all. I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel like getting accepted and going to UCI is fulfilling something in my life that I have been wishing I had done for the last 6 years of my life, and at the same time I am not saying that I wish I didn't go to Vanguard, I am saying that I am stoked to take this opportunity to feel like I can achieve something I have been lusting after for quite some time.

I cannot wait for school to start in the fall. I am counting down the days. =)