2 years later

Two years after I have decided to return to school for a degree, things are wrapping up. I have one final paper to write- that I have been putting off for about a week now, because when I finish writing it I will officially have nothing else to do- and then I will feel even less secure than I do at the moment.

I don't remember being this nervous about life the last time I graduated. I moved home for the summer- saved up a bunch of money-and moved back to S. California where I knew that any old job would work for my needs- I started out by temping and finally got into accounting full time an was making a decent salary in three years time- but I was unfulfilled and unhappy, so I went back to school, and here I am again.

But this time- with a lot more debt to my name- and a job market that looks bleak to say the least. I tell David that I am worried and scared and he says that it won't help me at all to worry. I agree. I won't help. But I can't help it.

Now, not only do I need to find a job to pay my bills and my rent- but I also have to find a job to prove to myself that the last two years of my education and my debt were worth something to me. I mean in reflection, of course they were worth something- but when I enter the job market and don't feel as though there are many openings that relate to my field- what is it really worth. It seems scary that two years after leaving the accounting field, I am thinking that accounting doesn't sound too bad- IF I can get a job doing it...

In all actuality I know that something will work out and something will come up and that worrying won't help- It's just that two years later this is all a lot to think about. Being on the precipice of adult life once again- I always thought that it would be hardest to transition from working full time to going back to school, but I am starting to think that the harder transition is going to be going from being in school full time to working again.

Funny how it works out that way.

Funk

I have been in such a non-productive funk for the past week. I used my birthday as an excuse for a while, and then I even bought a Chinchilla which has served as a lovely distraction, but I have this sense of nagging in me- I have to finish my thesis in three weeks, and I have to do school work, and eventually I have to graduate, find a job, pay student loans, and the like. I am pretty overwhelmed by the end of this two year vacation of sorts, and I feel like the fact that it is ending quickly has caused me to slow my pace immensely, and the bottomline is that at the moment I am pretty scared shitless of the real world- I lived there before and I was okay, but now I have a ton more debt, and I have to get a job to legitimize that- and I am freakin scared.

It Makes Me Smile

These days I am taking less time to smile, and more time to 'manage' time and stress. I don't think my management of either or the two has been so great as of late, but what can I say?

This is essentially my last heavy quarter of coursework, and I am struggling through it. I think that the workload combined with the fact that I am having to coordinate with so many actual live people this quarter- and am really struggling with it- has made things so difficult. I really want to be an effective writer, researcher, etc. and do good work for the people I am working with, and yet it still seems really difficult to coordinate things sometimes, and I am so limited in my time, that it makes everything seem so much heavier.

One way I am trying to manage stress is to think about the fact that in less than two months I will be visiting my sister in Bulgaria. And all of this will be over. In the mean time, I look at pictures like this, and they make me happy. They make me wish that my job was to organize pumpkin carvings too, but at the same time, I know Anna's role there is a lot harder than that.

Anyway, here are some lovely fall pictures from Bulgaria- they will be getting an American taste of Halloween this year, with the candy corn and rite aid decorations that I sent them all the way from California. I wish I fit into a priority mail flat rate package sometimes. =)





These days, I

El Carmel and Tres Turones- Why Planning Seems so Different in Barcelona

A lot of the things we have done in my classes so far has been going to see presentations that are done by municipal organizations who are in charge of the revitalization of certain areas in the city. They have told us about their plans for changing neighborhoods and improving them to make housing conditions, services, and transporation better for certain areas. One of the groups told us about 20 times that they were trying to design their city so that there would be diversity between the young people, older people, families, and the disabled. They feel that this integration is very important and makes for a healthy community. I think in a lot of these neighborhoods it's required that about 30% of the housing be public housing, which has controlled prices and ia subsidized heavily by the government. It's not a very rare thing to have really low income people living next to those who are middle class, and many private developers who own buildings are required to have public housing and controlled prices in their buildings to a certain extent by the government who pays them to do so. It's incredible to me and to others that no one protests this social housing, because in California when people try to put up affordable housing units people tend to be very upset and show up at city council meetings expressing the fact that having affordable housing in their backyards will bring crime and cause property values to drop. It's kind of amazing here that people from different income levels are able to live together in the same building without their being protest for the tenants that are not receiving help via social housing programs that have been established and funded by the government- it's a total contrast.

The pictures here are taken in an area of the city called El Carmel. It has a very difficult topography, and because it is on the outskirts of the city many people immigrated to that area and erected houses with their own two hands in order to have a place to live. (The pirate flag picture is from an area where many building were erected by the people who inhabit them, rather than by professional developers.) Because they were constucted in this manner the city doubts the safety of them. Also many of them are very very small and have poor ventilation and there are doubts about the health of living in such places. The city has a major renovation plan that will put in a new main street and has also put in several elevators and escaltors to help people reach their homes that used to require them to climb steep hills. As a result of this construction projects and also as a result of tearing down a lot of the unsafe housing people are displaced. However the city never displaces people and leaves them without a place to go. It is the law that they must be guaranteed housing in the same area, and if they chose not to be relocated they are given a lump sum of money. The brick building in the city is an example of new construction at the top of three newly installed escalators that climb the hills for you, where many people were relocated when their houses were removed in order to make such improvments to the neighborhood.

I think that the unique thing about this renovation in El Carmel is the fact that the improvements are being made to this area in order to improve the lives of the people who live there. I think that the kind of development I am used to seeing in S. Cal cities has to do with making improvements to the city in order to bring in more business and to push things along economically or even for better transporation purposes. So if they have to build public transport or a freeway through a very poor part of a city they give people money and they expect them to find a place to move to, as where here the improvements that they are making are not to bring in revenue for the city, but in this neighborhood especially they are made to help the people already living there, and if the city does have to claim eminent domain over your house or property they don't just hand people money and expect them to figure out where to go, they actually faciliate new housing facilities for the displaced.

The only thing that is suspect is that fact that so far we have talked to far more municipal workers than residents, so its hard to tell what the attitudes of the people living in these neighborhoods really is. Are they happy with the renovations? Do they feel that it is ultimately helping them or that the government is interfering to much by chasing them out of their houses into new places? Do they feel like they are being bought out or are they satisfied with the compensation and services that the city provides? When talking to those from the municipality I get these feeling that the city governments here really are doing great things for their residents, but I am excited to get out into the field next week and hear a different perspective on things. At this point, all I know is that the city's approach to working with neighborhood residents here seems to be very different from what I have seen in Orange County. Municipalities work closely with neighborhood associations in ways that appear to really impact positive changes that containa great deal of input from the residents. It's difficult for me to accept this concept after working with residents in Anaheim who are practially begging the city to accept their input. It seems that there is great benefit to the many Socialist municipalities in Barcelona- at least from the perspective of the residents who seem to have much more say in what goes on than I have seen in my experiences in Anaheim.

Barcelona, Urban Planning, Historic Preservation, Roman (Gothic) City

We have started learning about the history of Barcelona, and one thing we learned is that because of its location it was not a major Roman city to start out with, and to make a long history short, there was a centralled walled-in Roman city. Under Spanish rule (I believe) it became larger but was heavily fortified with Spanish military and walls around the city to limit development, because the Spanish government was worried that it might be a revolutionary threat because of the differences in the Castillian and Catalonian kingdoms.

When the city became more properous, it began to develop more, but it could not develop outside of the set borders (yet) so it developed very narrow streets and was built up high. It was very dense. Living conditions became very stratified and the lower classes lived next to the bourgeosise who decided to revamp their city's history by investing lots of money into restoring what is now considered to be the Gothic part of the city...

What we learned today is that a majority of the buildings, walls, etc in the Gothic part of the city were not in the same places they are today when Barcelona really was a Roman city. Things were rearrange, building surfaces and walls were moved brick by brick to create plazas and beautiful squares to recreate the Roman history of the city... The church that is pictured above is an intesting case because it was never finished during the period it was built in, so when Barcelona started to prosper and money came into the city Barcelonians with money researched the period quite a bit, and made the outside of this Cathedral a model example of the type of architecture and design that they wanted the building to look like...

This brings up interesting questions about what is authentic and what is not, but more importantly, why a city would chose to re-CREATE this historical part of the city, which was not entirely true to real history. The lecturer today talks about how this recreation of history is a way to create cultural community and identity. In doing to the Catalonians and Barcelonians can emphasize the history that they care to, and not emphasize what they would rather forget. I suggested that it was the commercial creation of history for tourism, however it was suggested to me that the Barcelonians really needed the re-creation of this historical identity for themselves as much as it is something nice for tourists to look at... I wonder what other kinds of historical preservation movements do the same thing. How much of the history that we see is authentic, and what was researched and restored to look more periodic in order to highlight the parts of history that we want to be prominent in our cities?

As things progress I hope to learn more about the Cataloian identity that has been created in this region of Spain. Also, Barcelona is apparently one of the best models of modernist planning that has ever existed, which I am supposed to learn about tomorrow.

Interesting stuff, and great times in Spain.

Year One Almost Done- Mission Accomplished

In September, when I started the Masters of Urban and Regional Planning program, I felt like I was in a crisis mode almost immediately. It seemed that through some poor choice of my own I had entered into a field that prepared students to be municipal planners or work for private consulting firms, and while I am not opposed to either of the two, neither one was ever something I thought of as a goal. I came into the field of planning because I wanted to study the intersection of environmental and social justice issues, because I don't think green movements are sustainable unless they are actually available as solutions to even the poorest people in the world. As I started taking my classes and learning about planning as a field I though that perhaps this program would have been better suited for someone who wanted to be a transportation planner or a land use planner, and I certainly didn't fit into the category.
I started talking to past graduates of the program and asked them what they thought I should do in order to make the program work for me. They suggested that I get in contact with OCCORD (Orange County Communities Organized for Responsible Development) and talk to them about the community organizing efforts that they do around the Platinum Triangle in Anaheim. This turned out to be a perfect connection for me, and I started to broaden my own view of planning as something that could range from municipal planning to community based planning efforts that occur within organizations like OCCORD. Both my experience working with them and my exposure to new teachers with different views helped me to expand my understanding of planning. Also, as I began to look at community based efforts as very much linked to planning I talked about these things often among my colleagues, because I felt that by continutally reminding others that planning was bigger than the city, then perhaps I could influence others who were struggling like I was.
During the Spring Quarter (which is currently ending) some students got together and initiated a class called Critical Urbanism. The students were the teachers in this class, coming up with the readings and course material. We talked about issues of race, class, and gender in planning. We also focused heavily on community based and radical planning efforts that worked to change the system rather than to uphold it. The twenty people in the class had different opinions, but were all of the same mind that something in planning needs to change in order to address critical issues that we often either don't think of as planning, or that city planning departments don't address.
Yesterday the class hosted its final project- a colloquuim called Planning in Crisis: Critical Urbanism in Action. The event consisted of three panels, each of which contained different speakers that could address ciritcal planning issues from a different perspective. We had community based planners/organizers from OCCORD and Latino Health Access. We had students from UCI, UCLA, and UCI that were talking about the efforts being made on their campus to address critical planning issues. We also had a panel where students and practioners talked about the collaboration of planning academia in addressing real world problems, and how some of their projects in the past have gone.
The event was a hit! The Department Chair among other faculty was extremely impressed by the event commenting that the speakers were very much on topic and everything ran very well. I heard rumors that the Department Chair really wants to publicize the event on the department's website because it went so well. Students were excited to make connections with radical planners in the community and on different campuses. Conversations were had among students from all three campuses regarding how we could connect in the future in order to work towards critical planning efforts.
For me, the event was so important because it was truly a benchmark of how far I have come within this program in just one year. I started off as a frustrated student, considering whether or not I belonged here, and ended as a student who felt like I had really accomplished something on campus. I feel like the first and most important think that I accomplished was the alliance of many like-minded students in the program. I also feel like in some ways because of my insistence on looking at planning outside of the box, I have helped my colleagues to do so as well. Thirdly, I feel like this group of students who views critical planning as important just established themselves on campus and earned the respect of the department through the event yesterday. So yeah- I feel really excited about this accomplishment and how this first year started on a rocky note and ended on a great one. I am hoping that this process can be continued into my experience as a second year in the program.

Too Much

4 classes, while working and attempting to be an intern is too much shit going on at one time to stay sane.

I think that's maybe part of the reason that I have been such a poor communicator in my relationship lately. It's like this general sense of being overwhelmed spills over into my personal life and I have a hard time separating eveything into neat little piles. This is the pile where you are overwhelmed by school and this is the pile where you love your boyfriend and you want to have a happy weekend with him without making all of these little conflicts out of nothing. If you saw my room right now, you'd see all the piles are pretty jumbled, and such is my life at the moment. (This kicker this weekend was really bad PMS)

Anyway I have things to look forward to.
1. Concert with D this weekend
2. Two concerts with Jare in like two weeks
3. Going home to see my family
4. and Summer Semester in Europe.

So if the next 4 weeks if a blur because of school I guess I am just going to suck it up and roll with the punches and hope that I keep my piles a bit more organized on the weekends so I am not so bitchy and conflict causing.

Countdown to Completing Quarter 1 of 6...

Today kicked serious ass. There is no other way to describe it. Not only did I turn in all but one of my remaining assignments for the quarter, but I also got offered an internship with an organization called OCCORD that I am really stoked about.

I still have mixed feeling about my program, but I seem to have conquered the first quarter, and feel like this internship is a step in the right direction for learning about the areas of the field that I am really the most interested in.

So to sum things up, I am feeling pretty happy. And I also am exploring the possibility of doing a summer program in Europe, which could also make me very happy.


One quick question for any readers: When you were in college did students always clap on the last day of class? I went to my first class today and I thought that students were clapping because the teacher ended the class on a sort of inspirational note, but in my next class it didn't end in quite the same manner, but everyone still clapped. On the way out of class I asked a colleague if that was standard behavior and she said that it had been in every undergraduate class she had taken. Have you had similar experiences? Is it just my small private liberal arts university education that didn't make me aware of this clapping practice or are others not aware of it as well?

Things that Fall by the Wayside

Since I started school 8 weeks ago several things in my life have fallen by the wayside.
Two things that I miss very much include reading for pleasure and taking pictures.
I have maintained a limited social life, and mostly cram all of my school work into the weekdays so I can have relaxing Fridays-Sunday afternoons (at which point I resume work again.)

I am actually a teeny tiny bit ahead of the game since one of my generous professors reduced a class requirement that takes hours a week in order to allow people to have more time to spend on their papers during the last two weeks of school. Because I am a nerd, and because I like to be proactive and not put things off until the last minute, I have completed a great deal of this paper, leaving me with a small amount of time on my hands, which is nice.

I have certainly had my complaints about the program and UCI, but this is what I asked for isn't it? As I was studying for a final exam I have in class tomorrow and as the concepts started sort of gelling together, I realized that I like being a scholar and understanding new concepts because it makes me feel like I can utilize some of restless brain power. I love when the conclusion of studying for a test makes me feel as though I have really learned something. And because of that I am a nerd.

So I know that my blogging has somewhat gone by the wayside as grad school kicked in, but it's okay because in some form I am 'living the dream.' = )

My growing list of things they should tell you when you're in grad school

1. You have a mailbox, in a mail room and knowing where that is could be crucial to your existence,

2. There is probably a fridge in your departments lounge that you can keep you lunch in and even a microwave use so you don't have eat lukewarm leftovers.

3.There is a room in the library just for grad students, so you don't have to find a spot among all the undergrads who are using up the power outlets on the first and fourth floor just to play online video poker.

I guess there is a learning curve, huh?

Mircoeconomics and Sex

Today in my Micro class the teacher was telling the class how it would be really difficult to work out a certain problem that he had given us and that it was going to take a substantial amount of time and effort, and that we might find this to be an annoyance, but it is what he likes to call learning.

He then proceeded to say that the first time it would be long and difficult, but all the following times you could get it done much more easily and a lot faster. But he reiterated the much easier and faster thing several times.

I started laughing a lot, and someone looked at me like I was crazy, but all I could think of from his explanation was sex.

I mean I guess the first time doesn't always take a really long time, but it could be really difficult, no?

Hmm. I don't know if you see a parallel, but I definitely laughed in my micro class today, which is a rarity, so I was happy.

Missing in Action

I have been pretty consumed by life lately. Between trying to find D a place to live, trying to find a job for me, and becoming a student I have been kind of busy. I also realized that I had a lot of free time at work to spend on the computer while at work, and now that time doesn't exist as much, so my presence on the inter-web is a little less than before.


But anyway, starting my degree in the area of planning has really made me think more closely about what it is I want to do in the field. I was initially drawn to the field because I feel really passionate about environmentalism and sustainable planning, and I still feel those things. At the same time I realize that the socioeconomic side of planning addresses the basic needs of people, and usually they are the same people who need to just survive rather than try to be Eco-conscious. I have thought a lot about whether or not being Eco-conscious is something for the privileged, mainly because when you are just trying to get by, you are not usually thinking about the long-term effects of your actions on the planet.

I guess I would like to try to figure out an answer between the two things. How can environmentalism be something that is made accessible and important to all classes? How can environmental justice issues in places like Wilmington- where there are oil refineries in people's back yard-be addressed?

It's a lot to think about and at this point I can honestly say I have no clue which direction I will move in, but it's exciting and daunting at the same time.

Househunting

I don't know if I have mentioned this as of yet, but D happened to move into a pretty yucky place in San Diego. Their kitchen has to be a health hazard, and the people there are not so nice, so he is looking for another one...

After he thought he had found a place earlier this week, and it fell through, I decided that we were going to search high and low and find a place by the end of the weekend. We saw a total of 10 places in two days, and between seeing these places and just corresponding with people via email (through craigslist) we got some real entertainment for free...

Some of the highlights of the house hunting included

• the girl who had a bong in the middle of the living room when we got there (and this actually one of the places that looked really good, and made it onto D's list of acceptable places)
• the lady (who had a three year old) and followed us out to the car saying that she just wanted to make sure she knew that room came with a key, so that D could lock the door to his room and be the only one who had access to it
• the man who told us that I could come over as long as I didn't spend the night because 'they were not set-up for that'
• the lady who emailed us and said that he'd be sharing the place with her and her 16 year old daughter, and they were both 420 friendly
• when David mentioned that one reason he was moving was because he roommates left out dishes of rotting food for weeks at a time, one guy told him that that kind of happens sometimes are the place he was seeing
• the trailer for rent in someones backyard for only $600 a month-this was advertised as a studio

I know that there were other funny things, but these are the few that I can remember after all of this. It was actually kind of successful though, and I think there are many good options on the table, which is a great thing. I hope to be moving stuff next weekend, and not meeting a million people again, but I guess we shall see...

I just wonder about ALL the people who specifically state that they are 420 friendly. I mean is it a craiglist or a San Diego thing?

When life gets exciting...

Most of you know I am a major stress case. I have spent the last several weeks stressing about various things, and one of those things is going from a decent income to a zero income and a negative income that involves paying expenses with student loans.

So I have been spending time looking at tutoring, admin, and random part time positions, and that's not really the most fun thing I have ever done, but tonight I looked at the UCI Planning, Policy, and Design website, and was taking a look at all the great places their students have interned at, and that made me feel really excited.

Because there are so many cool planning organizations right in my back yard, and this really is the perfect place to work on a career in Urban Planning with a focus on environmental sustainability. I guess maybe I just get scared that I am waiting for this program to have everything fall in my lap, but I don't think that's really what I am doing.

I am going to be getting a really good starting point, and foundation on something I really want to do and something I am passionate about, and while there are common day stresses to think about I really should be sitting on my couch thinking about how excited and how fortunate I am to have an opportunity to pursue the education that it going to give me so much opportunity in a field I think I might just love.

It's also exciting that my love is doing something very similar.

And I guess in that way I am way less stressed and way more excited than I have realized in a few weeks.

Struggling.

So as much as your psyche up yourself for big changes, and as much as you tell yourself that the big changes are not big- you never know until it really happens.

In other words D has kind of officially moved, and I have been kind of emotionally bonkers for a few days, and I don't like it at all.

I want to be strong and cool and collected as to make it much easier for him to transition and start his much dreamed of MFA.

Please send light and prayers that my school gets here soon so I can shift my focus away from both hating my job and missing my boyfriend, to pursuing something I really care about.

It has to be better this time...

I signed up for my classes at UCI yesterday. This is really very exciting for me. I have been out of school since 2005 and have been working ever since them to maintain my life in Orange County. I have not loved my jobs, but I made many friend at them and got a sweet Severance package from New Century not to mention unemployment, and maybe one day when the whole bankruptcy thing gets settled they will send me another check for $600.

Anyway, I am a little bit scared of starting school and mainly because it makes me think about when I started school again in Fall 2005. After taking a year off from school and working at New Century I decided that I should work on getting my teaching credential. I figured I could go to Vanguard, and wouldn't have to do much to get into the program-which was true. They accepted me with no problem.

The slight problem in all of this was that I had no interest in teaching- although I convinced myself it was the right thing for a while. I thought that I would get summers off like my mom did when I was growing up, I'd make decent money (if I could get a job) and I'd be able to apply my History degree- which is something that seemed rather hopeless at the time.

The only hurdle I had to jump over was taking the CSET for history. I had to take one twice, but I passed. I started the program and was surrounded by all these hyper-enthused classmates. I had no enthusiasm. I got into a classroom and realized that it scared the shit out of me that the kids looked not that much younger than me. I felt like I didn't remember history well enough to teach it, and eventually I just realized that I didn't care about teaching, and I just wanted an easy pathway to a job, and that therefore I would suck as a teacher because I would be unhappy doing it.

So I dropped out like a month or so into the program. I lost part of the money I had paid Vanguard, and I eventually wound up back at New Century again.

I never felt like I failed or gave up. I knew I made the right choice to leave and the wrong choice to enroll just because it seemed like I might be able to work it out.

Starting school again scares me just because what if the same thing happens again? I guess I feel like there is little chance of that because this program is something that I really care about and I think it really will give me the tools to work in a career that focuses on environmental sustainability-which is something I really care about. I definitely worked harder to get in, and am proud of how hard I worked. I am just a little bit nervous to start school again and see how it works out this time.

I plan on being completely happy and successful and I am sure not going into is half-hearted by any means this time, so I think I am starting off on a better foot than before, and that has to help.

In Flux

In the past week I have been dealing with the fact that things change in life, and sometimes they change fast and we have to just roll with it, which can be less easy than it sounds, but also not as harder as we normally think.

I few weeks ago my best friend told me that she was almost certainly moving to New York. Since she also happens to be my roommate, this is a slightly big deal. But more so because she is my best friend and I will just miss her.

And on Wednesday D found out that he got a space in the MFA program at San Diego State University (which I am so proud of him for), and of course that means that my love is going to be moving away as well.

I think I am just amazed by how quickly things can change and how quickly we can be jolted out of out comfortable and happy lives and how we have to adapt and adjust rather quickly. It makes me think about kids who grow up to fast because of their parental circumstances, but I guess that I can at least be thankful than now I am just an adult who has to grow up quickly- but who generally has the skills and attributes necessary to adapt when things change quickly.

So I took a mental health (sick day yesterday) and it was a good time to think about things and resolve myself to current changes and to really think about the positive things that can come out of them.

I am really excited for David and I feel secure enough in our relationship that I think this is going to really good for us. But at the same time fast changes kind of suck a little bit.

Oh yeah, and David told me that when he moves to San Diego we can have annual passes to both Sea World and the Zoo and can go there everyday- which means I am the winner in the end!

And UCI too!

That's right.

I got into University of Irvine California, and I am pretty stoked about it.

Yaaaaay!

One Down...

I got my first acceptance to a Graduate program today.

I guess the University of Texas at Austin would be glad to have me.
(The only downfall is that I told D that if we move to Texas we have to get a cow.)

Hmmm. I am waiting for more (and hopefully more local) acceptances in the near future.

Deadlines

Today is the official deadline for my graduate applications to
1. UCI- first choice
2. UCLA
3. Portland State
4. University of Texas at Austin

In another month I will have the University of Montana due, and because the deadline for everything else is so late, I am waiting to hear from the first four (and for D to hear from his) and holding out any additional application fees for schools that I would be satisfied with, but are not my first choice.

You should understand that when it comes to deadlines I tend to be early. I sent everything away at least a month ago, except my GRE scores, which should be there by now. I had a mini freak out an decided to send them all copies of the GRE scores at the last minute.

I feel better when things are done very early and I have some time to relax. Working up until the last minute tends to cause me to panic and not be able to perform as well.

And I know that a lot of people work well under pressure.

Anyway, all this to say- I feel very proud of myself for deciding to apply to these places and charging through the whole application process in my spare time. I am proud because I believe that I completed them to the best of my ability, and because I committed to completing it, and then actually did it. I am proud because unlike getting a teaching credential at Vanguard, this is NOT an easy answer- it actually required a lot of time, research, and contemplation.

So from now until I start hearing from them, please keep your fingers crossed for me. (And also D) Hold us in the light, and send us your prayers. Whatever it is you do- we could use some.