A Quakerly Engagement

David and I are Quakers, and this is the fourth Easter that we have spent in Julian, CA. It is a small apple farming and historically gold mining town in the east of San Diego County. The Orange County Friends go there yearly to a Episcopal Campground that values organic cooking, gardening, and nature. We hang out, play games, spend time with each other, eat wonderful food, and talk about Quakerly themed things.

This year we went back to the roots of Quakerism and talked about the core Values of Quakerism. They are Equality, Unity, Simplicity, Community, Integrity, and Peace. We had several discussions and reflections on these values, and I have to say that I really think David and I's engagement was a reflection of several of them.

The engagement was planned. It was something we had discussed for a long time- a mutual decision. I gave David lot's of overt clues because I still like a bit of surprise- but the decision to commit to each other in this way was something that had been discussed and agreed upon in advance. On Sunday morning, while the children were going on the Easter Egg hunt we took a walk in the woods, and unfortunately as we were about to stop we realized that the awful smell around us was several large compost piles- so we walked a bit farther into the woods. Then David handed me a letter- he said that as a writer this was something he wanted to choose his words carefully before (but that I shouldn't worry because he would still do the knee thing at the end)

The letter was wonderful, and warm, and I think most important to me it was honest and real. It reflected on why he loves me, and the growth that we have seen through the years of our relationship. I think this is my favorite part of the letter.

I don't think you can ever really be certain about what the future holds. But I've let go of my need for certainty, for surety. The process of living is full of risks, full of doubts, full of challenges and compromises and failed ideals. But it's possible to find someone who can help you through all that. And then, when you do meet your goals or fulfill some of those ideals and dreams, you can share that joy with another person, and it's even possible for that other person to help you along the way.

When I finished the letter and crying he got on his knee and I said yes, and cried more and we hugged a lot. It was great and private and real and honest-all of those things.

Then we went back and popped a champagne bottle with the rest of the Friends and had a toast and many hugs and congratulations. After this we had our silent meeting for worship and there were several messages given that included the topic of marriage. I also shared something at meeting. I spoke on the fact that our engagement was evidence of our Quaker values.

Many people gave me a hard time about pre-planning something that is traditionally a surprise- but I think that because equality is at the heart of our relationship it was something that we very much wanted to be mutually planned and mutually decided upon. I am okay with David getting on his knee and giving me a ring, but as far as the traditional surprise element went- I just don't think this goes along with our relationship. We take care to make important decisions together and for us this was one of them. (I am not insulting anyone who has been surprised, I just think that this was right for us.)

I had discussed this topic of engagement with a Friend the day before and she shared with me the process by which her and her partner were engaged. She understood our mutual planning and related to it- this drove home to me the fact that getting engaged and celebrating with the Friends was something that was important to me because I knew that they would understand and support the emphasis on equity in our relationship.

Another value of Quakerism that I felt was emphasized was that of simplicity. I chose a simple ring, but besides that it was a pretty simple engagement. It involved nature, a letter, Friends, and two people who loved each other. Nothing extraneous was needed. The words David used were not over the top or utterly romantic. They were simple and honest- and that is certainly things I want base my relationship in.

The third value I feel was emphasized was community. Having our Friends there to celebrate us and support us meant the world to me. In many ways the people at this meeting have watched us grow. Several specific Friends have been there for us in times of struggle to support us an encourage us on our way- so we felt that it was only appropriate to share something like this with the community that is like a family to us. This week we will continue the celebration with other close friends- because we value the people who love and support us as a couple.

I am not writing all of this to toot my own horn, so to speak. It took a weekend of discussion and conversation for me to truly understand how our values were reflected by the choices we have made in our relationship and in this act of engagement. Because of this reflection and the realization that everything about what happened this Easter was such a good reflection our values as a couple, this act of engagement means more to me then I really ever knew it would.

I am kind of on cloud 9 right now. I am so excited about the future and a relationship with someone who shares this core values with me. We have grown so much ins 3.5 years that I can't imagine the growth that could occur in a lifetime together.

I will leave you with the comic David included in the letter he gave me before he asked me to marry him. Enjoy.

Reflections on a past life

Yesterday I worked at the Southern California Assemblies of God Conference, and it was a weird blast from the past. As I sat around and watched people all of the elements were familiar. People walked up to me and said "Praise the Lord". I watched the huge service on a big screen TV and the preacher spoke for over an hour and at the end had a long "alter call". People raised their hands to the loud worship music and bathed in the spirit.

The thing is that by the time I was at the end of wanting to be involved in Pentecostal Christianity I was kind of in the same place I was yesterday. A place where none of it played on my emotions as much it did in the beginning, but rather where all of these things were common place. I got to the point where the dramatic music and the demands of the preacher couldn't make me cry one more time, because I had already cried so many times. It was like I had to make this emotional separation between myself and what was going on, because otherwise I was constantly hysterically crying for some reason- spirit induced or not.

I don't mean to completely knock the church because I think there are some things in it that are important to people- the teaching to love your neighbor, the fellowship, etc. For me, the constant heightened emotion was the thing I struggled with the most. It's almost as if I felt like the preachers were performers and their goal was to make me cry, and with just the right rift of guitar and piano at the end, when they were asking people to come forward and ask for forgiveness they did it to me again time after time. It's hard for me to explain what I mean, except at some point I just felt so emotionally manipulated I shut down, and that made me doubt a lot of the realness of a lot of things that I had experienced- because everything was so dramatized that I didn't know which emotions I could consider to be legitimate. Another bone in the bag is that I am diagnosed clinical depression and sometimes felt like the church just always kept me on the downside of things because of all the emotional issues it created.

I don't know if this makes a lot of sense. I didn't sit at the conference yesterday and think that the people in attendance were ridiculous. I respect their beliefs a lot. I just can't take the emotional-ness of it because I am so emotional in the first place that I can't take another thing being thrown into the mix. Also I don't like feeling that manipulated all the time. I didn't like feeling guilty because I couldn't cry anymore.

I appreciate so much the freedom of being a Quaker. I feel like I am just at peace with myself and am not constantly having to make sure I am okay enough with all the preachers who are telling me that I am not. I appreciate the ability to be emotional when I need to, but at the same time having the peace of mind to really just sit an enjoy the silence without feeling guilty because I am not responding in the appropriate emotional manner.

Why I am cannot be a part of a traditional, conservative, faith (Christian) tradition, and why I like being a Quaker.

After reading several different posts about the LDS (and many other conservative Christian) churches response and actions based on Proposition 8 I have felt really thankful to be a part of the faith community I am currently in.



Maybe Proposition 8 has been less on my radar than it should be. I know that I was stoked when gay marriage was legalized in the state because it seems to me like it's way over due.



But maybe I also choose not to think about it because I remember when I was in college one of the professors I respected the most (and still have a relationship/friendship) with three years after college graduation tried to convince his classes that gay marriage should not be legalized by the government because it opened up doors to all kinds of evils. I remember him saying on numerous occasion that if the state sanctioned man and man or woman and woman marriage what would keep it from also sanctioned man and rooster or man and child marriages?

And I can't exactly pin point how I felt about this at the time or how I responded, but maybe I thought that he had a point, and maybe I didn't. I am not sure, but I am sure that it is this kind of thinking (among other things) that caused me to run quickly in the other direction from evangelical Christianity. I think what strikes me the hardest about it is the unwillingness to respect and more so accept the life choices of mature adult people. One thing that I struggle with so much in religion is the boxed in worldview is tends to give people- the worldview that says that it's my way or no way, and I cannot respect or accept that people are really happy outside of my way because even if they think they are happy now, in eternity they will be damned. To me religion seems to be more of a focus on the after death than there here and now, I am am living now, so that's what I want to focus on.



Blegh I feel like I could verbally vomit a lot about religion and the use of church as a political machine. I could say yes I know there are exceptions in all cases. I realize that not all conservative Christian places of worship are talking about these issues from the pulpit, but I think I just have little tolerance for it because if I was put in that situation as a member of a congregation I would just leave.

Because of John's post about this I have thought a lot about what I could do to 'support and validate' those who are struggling within Conservative Christian congregations and while I feel like holding up signs and pointing out the close-mindedness of these institutions could at least send a message, I feel more inclined to just flee in the other direction (like I already have) and to take struggling people with me to the Quaker meeting. I mean I say this with much sarcasm, and I totally support and respect those who fight closed-mindedness from within their institutions, but I find this kind of thing totally frustrating- and it makes me feel pretty helpless.

Feel Good Religion

Last week I saw Rainn Wilson speak at UCI about his perspective coming from the Bahá'í Faith. The event was great in that he was hilarious, and that I really liked what he was saying to young people about going on their own spiritual journeys and coming to their own truth about God and religion and such. I liked his perspective on the value of humans and how through valuing people and loving them we are essentially participating in a spiritual solution to some of the worlds major problems.

Anyway, the point of this post is not to talk about the presentation. After I went I was talking to a few people about the presentation and trying to recap it and give my impression of what he said the faith was all about. In saying that I compared it to Quakerism (although I am told it is a little bit more strict and by the book than Quakerism). I was saying that they believed in the unity of all Gods in religion and the unity of people and the value of people. I said that I thought the main difference between it and Quakerism was that it seemed like you needed to believe in God proper to be Baha'i, but in Quakerism not so much- although Quakers do tend to say that they search for God within each person, which to me makes it kind of humanist rather than true theism. But I don't want to completely get into the Quaker faith either, because it is something I have a hard time putting into words.

So when I was talking about this two different people said something along the lines of 'oh, so this is one of those hippie-feel-good-everything-goes religions?' Both people come from a Christian background, so I get where they were coming from, but at the same time I found it offensive in that it completely over simplified a faith (Quakerism) that I take rather seriously. To me the so to speak gospel of Quakerism includes: tolerance, understanding, open-mindedness, acceptance, social responsibility, social justice, equality, and valuing other people. It's something I take seriously, and maybe it is more so of a 'feel good' religion because I don't feel an overwhelming guilt that God is going to strike me down for sinning or that I have to be ashamed of sin, but it's also pretty serious and could be kind of heavy to really consider where your social responsibility in the world resides. It doesn't always feel good to be open to people with different beliefs or try to understand people from different backgrounds, but it certainly is important, and it truly does form bonds between people groups that can have a big impact on the world.

I hope I am saying this clearly and emphasizing the fact that I think that for me Quakerism is much more than something that makes me feel good. It makes me feel responsible and connected to my fellow man. I makes me feel as though I have a context in which to engage really difficult issues. I guess no one in religion wants to be put in a box (and neither to I), so I felt like I needed to explain a bit better my connection to this faith.

I will leave you with a link to my friends blog and her posting of this month's advices and queries from our Friends meeting in hopes that it gives a look into the things that Friends find important and chose to think about/discuss during their time of worship and meditation.

Worry much?

So on Saturday night David and I get into bed around midnight after a day full of adventure, which is pretty close to our normal Saturdays, except that we usually don't stay up this late.
So we are laying in bed, and I start wondering if I shut his cat in his room when we were at his house earlier, and she is an old cat so I am just thinking of how not good it could have been to shut her in there, and I get worried, but there is nothing we can really do at this point.

So the evening proceeds and we are kissing and 'getting in the mood' and I say 'Babe, did you put the feta cheese in the fridge?' I don't remember if he rolled his eyes, but he should have. He says yes he did, but could I please stop worrying about things. He tells me it is really breaking the mood. I tell him I am not good at the mood, and he says he knows.

I really do worry about everything. Here's a short list. I worry about whether or not my cooking is acceptable to the people I serve it to. I worry about money a lot. I worry about my friends and if I have offended in anyway. I worry about what people think of me- socially and morally. I worry about planning things out perfectly. I worry about timing and being late or pressed for time. I worry about David all the time- when he is quiet I think something might be wrong, something he is not telling me, or that I might not be loving enough or responsive enough or kind enough. I am going to stop, because I could go on and on.

So yesterday in the Quaker meeting I thought a lot about worrying and tried to reconcile some of the things I worry about all the time, and tried to gain some peace of mind and resolve about the things I worry about. I thought about how my mom has reminded me in life over and over again that usually the details work themselves out and how generally speaking that is true. I thought about how worrying is kind of a control issue, and by letting go maybe I feel like I am losing control, and maybe that's why I struggle with it. I thought about the fact that worrying could waste so much time and be detrimental to my relationships. I thought about how in America this is a hard time financially and things seems rather uncertain for many people, and how I needed to also let of financial worries, because they don't make me any better in the end, and they cause me to focus on very trivial things that are not worth focusing on.

I tried to focus on my breathe, and I tried to breathe out all my stress and worries, and to accept that things are not in my control and things will work out how they will, and my feeling scared or anxious about it won't really help me change the outcome. I thought about having a relationship that was less weighted by insecurities on my side, and how that would allow me to love and to be loved by David even better, and how it would make things much richer.

So, I think having peace and giving up fear an anxiety is something I need to spend a lot more time meditating on, but I think this was a good start. Realizing the benefits of feeling less controlled by anxiety are at least a beginning. I'll have to see where this journey leads.

Jesus and Quakers: Trying to reconcile faith

I have not been quite so good at meditation the meeting lately. Sometimes I think it has to do with being less anxious about things. In other words, when I am less stressed and anxious I am less able to focus on seeking peace. That sounds like the opposite of natural to me, but it is definitely something I have noticed. I guess it is kind of like the fact that when I am in trouble, worried, or anxious I pray. When things are going okay, I don't ask for as much help. It's seems pretty natural to me.

In an attempt to get some good thought in this morning at meeting I decided to spend my time reading a book a friend gave me when I went home. The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical by Shane Claiborne. The book starts off with author talking about his experience as a youth in the church. He talked about the countless youth rallies an the fact that he was born again year after year. He organized the See You at the Poles gatherings where prayer was brought into public school by students. He referred to all of his efforts in high school in terms of masturbation. Feels good, but unlike sex there is no born child afterwards. (No comments on masturbation intended) It felt really familiar. Made me cry a little actually. All those memories from high school and the high intensity Christianity tend to be really painful for me, and to identify with someone so closely reminds me how real it was.

So Mr. Clairborne is talking about the shift that the church has taken away from the moral majority and how there is a seeming revolution within the church. He goes away to Christian college after his fervent high school days, and there he seeks a true Christian- which is someone is willing to act in Christ like manner by serving people. He repeats things like the fact that Jesus was homeless and he was a revolutionary and other such things that I cannot recall right now. He talks about how a group of his students at his college ban together to support this homeless community that lives in a tent city and is being evicted from a church. The students stay with this community for months in order to protect them for the police and eventually the city and other local organizations provide assistance so that the population can disburse to houses and leave the tent city. In this abandoned church among dedicated students and homeless he is able to see the church that believes in- a community of people supporting and loving each other- something that is so foreign to the complacent church services he felt forced to attend by his own conscious, but not really his heart.

He goes on to talk about his experience volunteering in Calcutta and working in a leper community where he forms close relationships with people from many different walks of life. He explains that it is in these relationships and bonds between people that he is able to see true Christianity and really see Jesus.

I have a lot more of the book to go, but what I gathered this morning in meeting is that fact that Claiborne is stating that we can be very fed up with Christianity and the Church, but perhaps we are not seeing the real church and the real existence of God within people that can truly bring the tenants of Christianity into a very illuminated and REAL light.

It made me think about my grudge with Christianity and all my Jesus Camp experiences. It made me think about how I have felt so wounded by certain aspects of my faith that I have wanted to through the whole thing out at points. But what he was saying really resonated with me in current state of Quakerism. The Quakers belief something of God in everyone. They believe that we should look for this undefined (G)god in everyone, and as Clairborne said he saw Jesus in all these people is sounded like a very similar idea to me.

After meeting, at lunch with D I talked about the fact that I need to start a healing process with Christianity. I need to accept the hurt in the past and try to move forward and to accept certain positive aspects. I need to decide or at least meditate more on the tenants that were and still are very important to me. It's hard to describe that process in one blog post, and to really give a good glimpse at this book without truncating thing a lot. But it was refreshing and good and it made me feel like-sometime in the future- I will be able to combine my Quaker experience with the old aspects of my faith that are really important to me. It's a lot to reconcile, and I honestly have no desire to wrap up all my beliefs and ideas into a very tightly packaged and pretty little box. The desire is more to feel whole in my present- not by casting off the past, but by using as a stepping stone to faith that I am confident in. Confidence in terms of feeling free to question and be open- rather than having bitterness towards painful things from my past.