Yesterday I worked at the Southern California Assemblies of God Conference, and it was a weird blast from the past. As I sat around and watched people all of the elements were familiar. People walked up to me and said "Praise the Lord". I watched the huge service on a big screen TV and the preacher spoke for over an hour and at the end had a long "alter call". People raised their hands to the loud worship music and bathed in the spirit.
The thing is that by the time I was at the end of wanting to be involved in Pentecostal Christianity I was kind of in the same place I was yesterday. A place where none of it played on my emotions as much it did in the beginning, but rather where all of these things were common place. I got to the point where the dramatic music and the demands of the preacher couldn't make me cry one more time, because I had already cried so many times. It was like I had to make this emotional separation between myself and what was going on, because otherwise I was constantly hysterically crying for some reason- spirit induced or not.
I don't mean to completely knock the church because I think there are some things in it that are important to people- the teaching to love your neighbor, the fellowship, etc. For me, the constant heightened emotion was the thing I struggled with the most. It's almost as if I felt like the preachers were performers and their goal was to make me cry, and with just the right rift of guitar and piano at the end, when they were asking people to come forward and ask for forgiveness they did it to me again time after time. It's hard for me to explain what I mean, except at some point I just felt so emotionally manipulated I shut down, and that made me doubt a lot of the realness of a lot of things that I had experienced- because everything was so dramatized that I didn't know which emotions I could consider to be legitimate. Another bone in the bag is that I am diagnosed clinical depression and sometimes felt like the church just always kept me on the downside of things because of all the emotional issues it created.
I don't know if this makes a lot of sense. I didn't sit at the conference yesterday and think that the people in attendance were ridiculous. I respect their beliefs a lot. I just can't take the emotional-ness of it because I am so emotional in the first place that I can't take another thing being thrown into the mix. Also I don't like feeling that manipulated all the time. I didn't like feeling guilty because I couldn't cry anymore.
I appreciate so much the freedom of being a Quaker. I feel like I am just at peace with myself and am not constantly having to make sure I am okay enough with all the preachers who are telling me that I am not. I appreciate the ability to be emotional when I need to, but at the same time having the peace of mind to really just sit an enjoy the silence without feeling guilty because I am not responding in the appropriate emotional manner.
Showing posts with label Religion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Religion. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Why I am cannot be a part of a traditional, conservative, faith (Christian) tradition, and why I like being a Quaker.
After reading several different posts about the LDS (and many other conservative Christian) churches response and actions based on Proposition 8 I have felt really thankful to be a part of the faith community I am currently in.
Maybe Proposition 8 has been less on my radar than it should be. I know that I was stoked when gay marriage was legalized in the state because it seems to me like it's way over due.
But maybe I also choose not to think about it because I remember when I was in college one of the professors I respected the most (and still have a relationship/friendship) with three years after college graduation tried to convince his classes that gay marriage should not be legalized by the government because it opened up doors to all kinds of evils. I remember him saying on numerous occasion that if the state sanctioned man and man or woman and woman marriage what would keep it from also sanctioned man and rooster or man and child marriages?
And I can't exactly pin point how I felt about this at the time or how I responded, but maybe I thought that he had a point, and maybe I didn't. I am not sure, but I am sure that it is this kind of thinking (among other things) that caused me to run quickly in the other direction from evangelical Christianity. I think what strikes me the hardest about it is the unwillingness to respect and more so accept the life choices of mature adult people. One thing that I struggle with so much in religion is the boxed in worldview is tends to give people- the worldview that says that it's my way or no way, and I cannot respect or accept that people are really happy outside of my way because even if they think they are happy now, in eternity they will be damned. To me religion seems to be more of a focus on the after death than there here and now, I am am living now, so that's what I want to focus on.
Blegh I feel like I could verbally vomit a lot about religion and the use of church as a political machine. I could say yes I know there are exceptions in all cases. I realize that not all conservative Christian places of worship are talking about these issues from the pulpit, but I think I just have little tolerance for it because if I was put in that situation as a member of a congregation I would just leave.
Because of John's post about this I have thought a lot about what I could do to 'support and validate' those who are struggling within Conservative Christian congregations and while I feel like holding up signs and pointing out the close-mindedness of these institutions could at least send a message, I feel more inclined to just flee in the other direction (like I already have) and to take struggling people with me to the Quaker meeting. I mean I say this with much sarcasm, and I totally support and respect those who fight closed-mindedness from within their institutions, but I find this kind of thing totally frustrating- and it makes me feel pretty helpless.
Maybe Proposition 8 has been less on my radar than it should be. I know that I was stoked when gay marriage was legalized in the state because it seems to me like it's way over due.
But maybe I also choose not to think about it because I remember when I was in college one of the professors I respected the most (and still have a relationship/friendship) with three years after college graduation tried to convince his classes that gay marriage should not be legalized by the government because it opened up doors to all kinds of evils. I remember him saying on numerous occasion that if the state sanctioned man and man or woman and woman marriage what would keep it from also sanctioned man and rooster or man and child marriages?
And I can't exactly pin point how I felt about this at the time or how I responded, but maybe I thought that he had a point, and maybe I didn't. I am not sure, but I am sure that it is this kind of thinking (among other things) that caused me to run quickly in the other direction from evangelical Christianity. I think what strikes me the hardest about it is the unwillingness to respect and more so accept the life choices of mature adult people. One thing that I struggle with so much in religion is the boxed in worldview is tends to give people- the worldview that says that it's my way or no way, and I cannot respect or accept that people are really happy outside of my way because even if they think they are happy now, in eternity they will be damned. To me religion seems to be more of a focus on the after death than there here and now, I am am living now, so that's what I want to focus on.
Blegh I feel like I could verbally vomit a lot about religion and the use of church as a political machine. I could say yes I know there are exceptions in all cases. I realize that not all conservative Christian places of worship are talking about these issues from the pulpit, but I think I just have little tolerance for it because if I was put in that situation as a member of a congregation I would just leave.
Because of John's post about this I have thought a lot about what I could do to 'support and validate' those who are struggling within Conservative Christian congregations and while I feel like holding up signs and pointing out the close-mindedness of these institutions could at least send a message, I feel more inclined to just flee in the other direction (like I already have) and to take struggling people with me to the Quaker meeting. I mean I say this with much sarcasm, and I totally support and respect those who fight closed-mindedness from within their institutions, but I find this kind of thing totally frustrating- and it makes me feel pretty helpless.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Afterlife
Love of mine some day you will die But I'll be close behind I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white Just our hands clasped so tight Waiting for the hint of a spark
If heaven and hell decide That they both are satisfied Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you When your soul embarks Then I'll follow you into the dark
In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me Son fear is the heart of love So I never went back
If heaven and hell decide That they both are satisfied Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you When your soul embarks Then I'll follow you into the dark
You and me have seen everything to see From Bangcok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about Cause we'll hold each other soon In the blackest of rooms
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Feel Good Religion
Last week I saw Rainn Wilson speak at UCI about his perspective coming from the Bahá'í Faith. The event was great in that he was hilarious, and that I really liked what he was saying to young people about going on their own spiritual journeys and coming to their own truth about God and religion and such. I liked his perspective on the value of humans and how through valuing people and loving them we are essentially participating in a spiritual solution to some of the worlds major problems.Anyway, the point of this post is not to talk about the presentation. After I went I was talking to a few people about the presentation and trying to recap it and give my impression of what he said the faith was all about. In saying that I compared it to Quakerism (although I am told it is a little bit more strict and by the book than Quakerism). I was saying that they believed in the unity of all Gods in religion and the unity of people and the value of people. I said that I thought the main difference between it and Quakerism was that it seemed like you needed to believe in God proper to be Baha'i, but in Quakerism not so much- although Quakers do tend to say that they search for God within each person, which to me makes it kind of humanist rather than true theism. But I don't want to completely get into the Quaker faith either, because it is something I have a hard time putting into words.
So when I was talking about this two different people said something along the lines of 'oh, so this is one of those hippie-feel-good-everything-goes religions?' Both people come from a Christian background, so I get where they were coming from, but at the same time I found it offensive in that it completely over simplified a faith (Quakerism) that I take rather seriously. To me the so to speak gospel of Quakerism includes: tolerance, understanding, open-mindedness, acceptance, social responsibility, social justice, equality, and valuing other people. It's something I take seriously, and maybe it is more so of a 'feel good' religion because I don't feel an overwhelming guilt that God is going to strike me down for sinning or that I have to be ashamed of sin, but it's also pretty serious and could be kind of heavy to really consider where your social responsibility in the world resides. It doesn't always feel good to be open to people with different beliefs or try to understand people from different backgrounds, but it certainly is important, and it truly does form bonds between people groups that can have a big impact on the world.
I hope I am saying this clearly and emphasizing the fact that I think that for me Quakerism is much more than something that makes me feel good. It makes me feel responsible and connected to my fellow man. I makes me feel as though I have a context in which to engage really difficult issues. I guess no one in religion wants to be put in a box (and neither to I), so I felt like I needed to explain a bit better my connection to this faith.
I will leave you with a link to my friends blog and her posting of this month's advices and queries from our Friends meeting in hopes that it gives a look into the things that Friends find important and chose to think about/discuss during their time of worship and meditation.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Okay to cry?
Since I cried a lot this weekend, David and I had this discussion about why we cry/don't cry.
I told him that I grew up in a household where I was never discouraged from crying. The only time I remember when we had some issues about crying was when my little sister was going through this phase where she cried over anything and everything and we would tell her she 'cried over air' which made her cry. I generally will 'cry over air' throughout certain periods (or certain periods in my life), so I feel bad for giving her a hard time for it now.
But in general I was always taught that it was okay to cry and it was best to get it out. Crying was a good therapeutic release that helped to keep one from suppressing their emotions. I have cried about my lack of father through out my life-sometimes out of sadness and sometimes anger, but I think that my mother encouraged this in order to help me express myself.
I spent a lot of my years in the Pentecostal church crying and weeping hysterically during services. I think a lot of it had to do with feeling overwhelmed with conviction or overburdened by the weight of the souls of others. Some of it had to do with guilt and shame, and a lot of it (once again) had to do with my abandonment issues and my father. I felt that all of this crying, and all of the prayer and encouragement of others was therapeutic, but it got old after a while. And then I kind of felt bad when I didn't cry because I thought maybe God was not speaking to me or maybe I couldn't heat him.
I cried periodically in college. The most memorable crying was my second year when I was in a bunk bed that I used to slam my head on about once a month. I was never able to just shake this off at all, I think I used it was an excuse to get some good cry time in, but really it just generally hurt and when I hurt I thought about all the stuff that hurt- like missing my family, etc.
As I have gotten older I still cry quite a bit. I was regularly crying over sex for a while, which was really extremely annoying and probably had nothing to do with sex at all. I think it sucked the most because it but a really negative spin on something that should not be negative. I cry about once a month when I get all hormonal. I think during this time just about anything can and will make me cry. I am working on rectifying my source of birth control because I think this makes it more out of control than it should be.
This weekend I felt justified in my crying-although wished a lot that I could stop. I cried because my anxiety about David leaving is high, and it brings up all this abandonment BS which is totally frustrating- but real at the same time. I cried because as happy as I am for him, and I also really sad that I will have to save up all my love for the weekends, and that it might be sort of a struggle with loneliness, etc. I don't know if the crying helped that much, but it certainly is a good way to acknowledge the fear and anxiety of the situation. Now I just need to start dealing with it in a healthy manner. I know that I can, it's just a little bit hard.
So the moral of this post is that I cry a lot, and I am completely okay with it. I think it's a major source of release and it helps me to get emotions out rather than keep them in. It makes me feel less week than it does vulnerable, and I am happy when I have someone to share the vulnerability with- crying alone is a little bit harder.
Do you cry? Are you okay with crying? Are you ashamed of crying? What role has crying played in your life? Is it something that had never happened, come in stages, or has been common in your life?
I told him that I grew up in a household where I was never discouraged from crying. The only time I remember when we had some issues about crying was when my little sister was going through this phase where she cried over anything and everything and we would tell her she 'cried over air' which made her cry. I generally will 'cry over air' throughout certain periods (or certain periods in my life), so I feel bad for giving her a hard time for it now.
But in general I was always taught that it was okay to cry and it was best to get it out. Crying was a good therapeutic release that helped to keep one from suppressing their emotions. I have cried about my lack of father through out my life-sometimes out of sadness and sometimes anger, but I think that my mother encouraged this in order to help me express myself.
I spent a lot of my years in the Pentecostal church crying and weeping hysterically during services. I think a lot of it had to do with feeling overwhelmed with conviction or overburdened by the weight of the souls of others. Some of it had to do with guilt and shame, and a lot of it (once again) had to do with my abandonment issues and my father. I felt that all of this crying, and all of the prayer and encouragement of others was therapeutic, but it got old after a while. And then I kind of felt bad when I didn't cry because I thought maybe God was not speaking to me or maybe I couldn't heat him.
I cried periodically in college. The most memorable crying was my second year when I was in a bunk bed that I used to slam my head on about once a month. I was never able to just shake this off at all, I think I used it was an excuse to get some good cry time in, but really it just generally hurt and when I hurt I thought about all the stuff that hurt- like missing my family, etc.
As I have gotten older I still cry quite a bit. I was regularly crying over sex for a while, which was really extremely annoying and probably had nothing to do with sex at all. I think it sucked the most because it but a really negative spin on something that should not be negative. I cry about once a month when I get all hormonal. I think during this time just about anything can and will make me cry. I am working on rectifying my source of birth control because I think this makes it more out of control than it should be.
This weekend I felt justified in my crying-although wished a lot that I could stop. I cried because my anxiety about David leaving is high, and it brings up all this abandonment BS which is totally frustrating- but real at the same time. I cried because as happy as I am for him, and I also really sad that I will have to save up all my love for the weekends, and that it might be sort of a struggle with loneliness, etc. I don't know if the crying helped that much, but it certainly is a good way to acknowledge the fear and anxiety of the situation. Now I just need to start dealing with it in a healthy manner. I know that I can, it's just a little bit hard.
So the moral of this post is that I cry a lot, and I am completely okay with it. I think it's a major source of release and it helps me to get emotions out rather than keep them in. It makes me feel less week than it does vulnerable, and I am happy when I have someone to share the vulnerability with- crying alone is a little bit harder.
Do you cry? Are you okay with crying? Are you ashamed of crying? What role has crying played in your life? Is it something that had never happened, come in stages, or has been common in your life?
Friday, February 15, 2008
Have I Talked about This Before?
Sometimes have a very set in stone makes me sad.
I think that when we are so convinced that we know The Way it can be a rather overwhelming feeling because we feel like we have to get everyone to agree with The Way or we are sad for them.
I spent hours and hours crying and praying for my mom when I was a younger Christian because I wanted her to have Jesus in her life. Now she does, and I am very happy that she has such a positive force in her life, but I cannot help thinking about the oppressive nature of feeling like you have to convert people or mourn for their salvation.
I love people. I am compassionate, caring, and invested. I want my relationships with people to be based on who they are and what we share commonly and how we can learn from each other differences. I don't want to be sad for people because I feel that they are not living their life in the right manner.
When that is all that I could see I feel like my life was so darker and less rich, because I wasn't able to see the layers in people and the multi-faceted-ness of others. I can honestly say for a long time I saw their soul and the after life and that was all, and I am glad I don't see that anymore. I don't have any concrete answers and the after life for myself, and sure don't want to have any for other people.
I am striving for a life of hope, kindness, responsibility, compassion and freedom. I don’t but a very specific label on it anymore. I am opening my mind and my heart, and I like the way it feels. I just wish it was comfortable for everyone around me.
I think that when we are so convinced that we know The Way it can be a rather overwhelming feeling because we feel like we have to get everyone to agree with The Way or we are sad for them.
I spent hours and hours crying and praying for my mom when I was a younger Christian because I wanted her to have Jesus in her life. Now she does, and I am very happy that she has such a positive force in her life, but I cannot help thinking about the oppressive nature of feeling like you have to convert people or mourn for their salvation.
I love people. I am compassionate, caring, and invested. I want my relationships with people to be based on who they are and what we share commonly and how we can learn from each other differences. I don't want to be sad for people because I feel that they are not living their life in the right manner.
When that is all that I could see I feel like my life was so darker and less rich, because I wasn't able to see the layers in people and the multi-faceted-ness of others. I can honestly say for a long time I saw their soul and the after life and that was all, and I am glad I don't see that anymore. I don't have any concrete answers and the after life for myself, and sure don't want to have any for other people.
I am striving for a life of hope, kindness, responsibility, compassion and freedom. I don’t but a very specific label on it anymore. I am opening my mind and my heart, and I like the way it feels. I just wish it was comfortable for everyone around me.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Religious and Spiritual Ambiguity
I have to admit that I am sort of scared to post about my spiritual journey in life because it's a pretty fragile subject. I am scared of those that I will offend, hurt, and worry. I don't want my mom to worry about me because I have broken out of a strictly Christian mold, and I don't want my friends to read what I have to say and think that I am just a back-sliding Pentecostal. So, like I said it's really fragile.
I have worked a lot of my religious things out by talking with my partner and some of my capital (F)riends. I have been particularly thankful for the Mind on Fire website because it is a community for people who are thinking carefully about there faith and their unfaith and what it all means. I have felt particularly warmed by this new Leaving the Garden Series and there is a post today that I really felt like I related to. You can visit that post, and the site here.
I don't know if I am ready to blog in detail about my religious and spiritual feelings at present, like Elaine did in this post. Maybe because for me it is hard to write about religious ambiguity because it's- well it's ambiguous and within the context of my former religious beliefs it seems very wrong. So I guess I am kind of scared to come out the closet and offend people by saying that I am okay with it.
I don't feel like I need to put a very strict definition on God right now. I don't feel like I need to judge people within their own personal religious endeavors unless I feel like they are being harmful to others in some way. I feel very much at peace with the world and my place in it without knowing exactly what God does and doesn't mean. And while I feel pretty new and fresh in having these ideas, I don't feel like any of my important "Christian" morals or drives have changed. I still feel like I should try my hardest to love my neighbor as myself. I still feel like I should try to serve people when ever possible. I still feel that peace is the answer and that people should fellowship together. Maybe I don't think they necessarily need to fellowship as believers, but I think that fellowship as friends and as humans is pretty important.
So I guess what I am saying is that I feel like by expressing this in writing on a completely public forum that so many of my friends read is a little bit scary, and at the same time I don't think I am saying anything all that radical. (I mean it's not like I am endorsing sex before marriage right?) No, but really, ambiguity feels so calm and peaceful right now and I am at really positive place in my spiritual journey and am thankful for that.
I have worked a lot of my religious things out by talking with my partner and some of my capital (F)riends. I have been particularly thankful for the Mind on Fire website because it is a community for people who are thinking carefully about there faith and their unfaith and what it all means. I have felt particularly warmed by this new Leaving the Garden Series and there is a post today that I really felt like I related to. You can visit that post, and the site here.
I don't know if I am ready to blog in detail about my religious and spiritual feelings at present, like Elaine did in this post. Maybe because for me it is hard to write about religious ambiguity because it's- well it's ambiguous and within the context of my former religious beliefs it seems very wrong. So I guess I am kind of scared to come out the closet and offend people by saying that I am okay with it.
I don't feel like I need to put a very strict definition on God right now. I don't feel like I need to judge people within their own personal religious endeavors unless I feel like they are being harmful to others in some way. I feel very much at peace with the world and my place in it without knowing exactly what God does and doesn't mean. And while I feel pretty new and fresh in having these ideas, I don't feel like any of my important "Christian" morals or drives have changed. I still feel like I should try my hardest to love my neighbor as myself. I still feel like I should try to serve people when ever possible. I still feel that peace is the answer and that people should fellowship together. Maybe I don't think they necessarily need to fellowship as believers, but I think that fellowship as friends and as humans is pretty important.
So I guess what I am saying is that I feel like by expressing this in writing on a completely public forum that so many of my friends read is a little bit scary, and at the same time I don't think I am saying anything all that radical. (I mean it's not like I am endorsing sex before marriage right?) No, but really, ambiguity feels so calm and peaceful right now and I am at really positive place in my spiritual journey and am thankful for that.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Jesus and Quakers: Trying to reconcile faith
I have not been quite so good at meditation the meeting lately. Sometimes I think it has to do with being less anxious about things. In other words, when I am less stressed and anxious I am less able to focus on seeking peace. That sounds like the opposite of natural to me, but it is definitely something I have noticed. I guess it is kind of like the fact that when I am in trouble, worried, or anxious I pray. When things are going okay, I don't ask for as much help. It's seems pretty natural to me.
In an attempt to get some good thought in this morning at meeting I decided to spend my time reading a book a friend gave me when I went home. The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical by Shane Claiborne. The book starts off with author talking about his experience as a youth in the church. He talked about the countless youth rallies an the fact that he was born again year after year. He organized the See You at the Poles gatherings where prayer was brought into public school by students. He referred to all of his efforts in high school in terms of masturbation. Feels good, but unlike sex there is no born child afterwards. (No comments on masturbation intended) It felt really familiar. Made me cry a little actually. All those memories from high school and the high intensity Christianity tend to be really painful for me, and to identify with someone so closely reminds me how real it was.
So Mr. Clairborne is talking about the shift that the church has taken away from the moral majority and how there is a seeming revolution within the church. He goes away to Christian college after his fervent high school days, and there he seeks a true Christian- which is someone is willing to act in Christ like manner by serving people. He repeats things like the fact that Jesus was homeless and he was a revolutionary and other such things that I cannot recall right now. He talks about how a group of his students at his college ban together to support this homeless community that lives in a tent city and is being evicted from a church. The students stay with this community for months in order to protect them for the police and eventually the city and other local organizations provide assistance so that the population can disburse to houses and leave the tent city. In this abandoned church among dedicated students and homeless he is able to see the church that believes in- a community of people supporting and loving each other- something that is so foreign to the complacent church services he felt forced to attend by his own conscious, but not really his heart.
He goes on to talk about his experience volunteering in Calcutta and working in a leper community where he forms close relationships with people from many different walks of life. He explains that it is in these relationships and bonds between people that he is able to see true Christianity and really see Jesus.
I have a lot more of the book to go, but what I gathered this morning in meeting is that fact that Claiborne is stating that we can be very fed up with Christianity and the Church, but perhaps we are not seeing the real church and the real existence of God within people that can truly bring the tenants of Christianity into a very illuminated and REAL light.
It made me think about my grudge with Christianity and all my Jesus Camp experiences. It made me think about how I have felt so wounded by certain aspects of my faith that I have wanted to through the whole thing out at points. But what he was saying really resonated with me in current state of Quakerism. The Quakers belief something of God in everyone. They believe that we should look for this undefined (G)god in everyone, and as Clairborne said he saw Jesus in all these people is sounded like a very similar idea to me.
After meeting, at lunch with D I talked about the fact that I need to start a healing process with Christianity. I need to accept the hurt in the past and try to move forward and to accept certain positive aspects. I need to decide or at least meditate more on the tenants that were and still are very important to me. It's hard to describe that process in one blog post, and to really give a good glimpse at this book without truncating thing a lot. But it was refreshing and good and it made me feel like-sometime in the future- I will be able to combine my Quaker experience with the old aspects of my faith that are really important to me. It's a lot to reconcile, and I honestly have no desire to wrap up all my beliefs and ideas into a very tightly packaged and pretty little box. The desire is more to feel whole in my present- not by casting off the past, but by using as a stepping stone to faith that I am confident in. Confidence in terms of feeling free to question and be open- rather than having bitterness towards painful things from my past.
In an attempt to get some good thought in this morning at meeting I decided to spend my time reading a book a friend gave me when I went home. The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical by Shane Claiborne. The book starts off with author talking about his experience as a youth in the church. He talked about the countless youth rallies an the fact that he was born again year after year. He organized the See You at the Poles gatherings where prayer was brought into public school by students. He referred to all of his efforts in high school in terms of masturbation. Feels good, but unlike sex there is no born child afterwards. (No comments on masturbation intended) It felt really familiar. Made me cry a little actually. All those memories from high school and the high intensity Christianity tend to be really painful for me, and to identify with someone so closely reminds me how real it was.
So Mr. Clairborne is talking about the shift that the church has taken away from the moral majority and how there is a seeming revolution within the church. He goes away to Christian college after his fervent high school days, and there he seeks a true Christian- which is someone is willing to act in Christ like manner by serving people. He repeats things like the fact that Jesus was homeless and he was a revolutionary and other such things that I cannot recall right now. He talks about how a group of his students at his college ban together to support this homeless community that lives in a tent city and is being evicted from a church. The students stay with this community for months in order to protect them for the police and eventually the city and other local organizations provide assistance so that the population can disburse to houses and leave the tent city. In this abandoned church among dedicated students and homeless he is able to see the church that believes in- a community of people supporting and loving each other- something that is so foreign to the complacent church services he felt forced to attend by his own conscious, but not really his heart.
He goes on to talk about his experience volunteering in Calcutta and working in a leper community where he forms close relationships with people from many different walks of life. He explains that it is in these relationships and bonds between people that he is able to see true Christianity and really see Jesus.
I have a lot more of the book to go, but what I gathered this morning in meeting is that fact that Claiborne is stating that we can be very fed up with Christianity and the Church, but perhaps we are not seeing the real church and the real existence of God within people that can truly bring the tenants of Christianity into a very illuminated and REAL light.
It made me think about my grudge with Christianity and all my Jesus Camp experiences. It made me think about how I have felt so wounded by certain aspects of my faith that I have wanted to through the whole thing out at points. But what he was saying really resonated with me in current state of Quakerism. The Quakers belief something of God in everyone. They believe that we should look for this undefined (G)god in everyone, and as Clairborne said he saw Jesus in all these people is sounded like a very similar idea to me.
After meeting, at lunch with D I talked about the fact that I need to start a healing process with Christianity. I need to accept the hurt in the past and try to move forward and to accept certain positive aspects. I need to decide or at least meditate more on the tenants that were and still are very important to me. It's hard to describe that process in one blog post, and to really give a good glimpse at this book without truncating thing a lot. But it was refreshing and good and it made me feel like-sometime in the future- I will be able to combine my Quaker experience with the old aspects of my faith that are really important to me. It's a lot to reconcile, and I honestly have no desire to wrap up all my beliefs and ideas into a very tightly packaged and pretty little box. The desire is more to feel whole in my present- not by casting off the past, but by using as a stepping stone to faith that I am confident in. Confidence in terms of feeling free to question and be open- rather than having bitterness towards painful things from my past.
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