A Quakerly Engagement

David and I are Quakers, and this is the fourth Easter that we have spent in Julian, CA. It is a small apple farming and historically gold mining town in the east of San Diego County. The Orange County Friends go there yearly to a Episcopal Campground that values organic cooking, gardening, and nature. We hang out, play games, spend time with each other, eat wonderful food, and talk about Quakerly themed things.

This year we went back to the roots of Quakerism and talked about the core Values of Quakerism. They are Equality, Unity, Simplicity, Community, Integrity, and Peace. We had several discussions and reflections on these values, and I have to say that I really think David and I's engagement was a reflection of several of them.

The engagement was planned. It was something we had discussed for a long time- a mutual decision. I gave David lot's of overt clues because I still like a bit of surprise- but the decision to commit to each other in this way was something that had been discussed and agreed upon in advance. On Sunday morning, while the children were going on the Easter Egg hunt we took a walk in the woods, and unfortunately as we were about to stop we realized that the awful smell around us was several large compost piles- so we walked a bit farther into the woods. Then David handed me a letter- he said that as a writer this was something he wanted to choose his words carefully before (but that I shouldn't worry because he would still do the knee thing at the end)

The letter was wonderful, and warm, and I think most important to me it was honest and real. It reflected on why he loves me, and the growth that we have seen through the years of our relationship. I think this is my favorite part of the letter.

I don't think you can ever really be certain about what the future holds. But I've let go of my need for certainty, for surety. The process of living is full of risks, full of doubts, full of challenges and compromises and failed ideals. But it's possible to find someone who can help you through all that. And then, when you do meet your goals or fulfill some of those ideals and dreams, you can share that joy with another person, and it's even possible for that other person to help you along the way.

When I finished the letter and crying he got on his knee and I said yes, and cried more and we hugged a lot. It was great and private and real and honest-all of those things.

Then we went back and popped a champagne bottle with the rest of the Friends and had a toast and many hugs and congratulations. After this we had our silent meeting for worship and there were several messages given that included the topic of marriage. I also shared something at meeting. I spoke on the fact that our engagement was evidence of our Quaker values.

Many people gave me a hard time about pre-planning something that is traditionally a surprise- but I think that because equality is at the heart of our relationship it was something that we very much wanted to be mutually planned and mutually decided upon. I am okay with David getting on his knee and giving me a ring, but as far as the traditional surprise element went- I just don't think this goes along with our relationship. We take care to make important decisions together and for us this was one of them. (I am not insulting anyone who has been surprised, I just think that this was right for us.)

I had discussed this topic of engagement with a Friend the day before and she shared with me the process by which her and her partner were engaged. She understood our mutual planning and related to it- this drove home to me the fact that getting engaged and celebrating with the Friends was something that was important to me because I knew that they would understand and support the emphasis on equity in our relationship.

Another value of Quakerism that I felt was emphasized was that of simplicity. I chose a simple ring, but besides that it was a pretty simple engagement. It involved nature, a letter, Friends, and two people who loved each other. Nothing extraneous was needed. The words David used were not over the top or utterly romantic. They were simple and honest- and that is certainly things I want base my relationship in.

The third value I feel was emphasized was community. Having our Friends there to celebrate us and support us meant the world to me. In many ways the people at this meeting have watched us grow. Several specific Friends have been there for us in times of struggle to support us an encourage us on our way- so we felt that it was only appropriate to share something like this with the community that is like a family to us. This week we will continue the celebration with other close friends- because we value the people who love and support us as a couple.

I am not writing all of this to toot my own horn, so to speak. It took a weekend of discussion and conversation for me to truly understand how our values were reflected by the choices we have made in our relationship and in this act of engagement. Because of this reflection and the realization that everything about what happened this Easter was such a good reflection our values as a couple, this act of engagement means more to me then I really ever knew it would.

I am kind of on cloud 9 right now. I am so excited about the future and a relationship with someone who shares this core values with me. We have grown so much ins 3.5 years that I can't imagine the growth that could occur in a lifetime together.

I will leave you with the comic David included in the letter he gave me before he asked me to marry him. Enjoy.

D and I have very different feelings about the holidays. I love them, and he does not. This has been something that we have both adjusted to as a couple. He kind of let's me make a bigger deal out of things than he might like, and I try to restrain myself a bit in order to make him feel more comfortable.

For me, the holidays are about tradition and family, and they are pretty soft traditions in a lot of ways. Generally they meant piling into the car and driving for several hours to eat a large meal with my extended family. Sometimes we would all sit around the table to enjoy the meal and other times we would grab a place on a sofa with a tv tray. The setting that I remember most is my aunt tinas old house that had a basement where the kids could hang out. I don't know if it was a holiday or not, but I have been told that one time my sister fell down those long dark steps to the basement in her baby walker, and she survived...

For me the holidays are not about gifts. They are about loud people that I only get to laugh with a few times a year, and trying to sneak some of my grandmas cookies before dinner time. It's been years since I lived on the same coast as my extended family. I know that since then I have really not spent many thanksgivings with them. I spent a few with my sister out here, which was nice, and one in Chile....or I think maybe on a plane to Chile and that was a pretty surreal experience.

Last year david and I cooked more food than it was possible to eat and had leftovers for days. I think I remember it being a quiet relaxing day which is kind of a new one for me, but also a good thing.... I guess maybe we are starting our own traditions now, which is weird to think of... I think that whenever I get the chance to spend the holidays with my extended family, I will cherish their novelty, and when I am with anna and mommers I will usually feel the most at home. It's comforting to establish a new familiarity with david... and also because he is not super into the holidays I don't think he will be quite so sad when I chose to spend the time with my mom and sister. So cheers to new traditions, definitions of home, and in about a month, a very Bulgarian Christmas...

i like coffee and tea. i like harry potter and saves the day. - 22‏

Three years ago, I was home for a week after I dropped out of the credential program at Vanguard. I was waiting to go back to work full time and I was bored, so I thought I would look for some instant entertainment by posting a CL personal ad. Below is the response that I got from one gentleman caller. You have to understand that this is an extremely stark contrast to most of the responses I got, which just asked me to come hook up for the afternoon, but didn't ask in such un-crude terms. (I said it was for entertainment.)

I'm intrigued by your ad. I'm a single 25-year-old male who would like a meaningful relationship with a woman. I can't say that I'm familiar with any of the bands you name--I'm more metal than punk and indie rock--but I'm almost ashamed to admit that I do know quite a bit about Harry Potter. If you want to get some idea of who I am, you could take a look at my journal. Feel free to contact me by email or on AIM (Anima Umbrae), or to exchange pictures, if you want. In any event , I wish you luck with your search.

Anyway- I guess it was meant to be, because I responded to this email and three years later here I am. D and I have had wonderful and challenging times, but I have to say that overall it has been incredible, and I am so extremely happy to be with someone I love and respect as much as D. I have most of the emails from our first exchanges saved, so I might post a few (non-embarrassing) things in this coming week to celebrate the anniversary of three years of dating and loving one another.

I'm Home from Europe, and Also Mexico- and My Life is Complicated, but Okay

I have so much to say about the end of my trip. Mainly about how I made really good friends with two great girls, and we drank two liters of gin and tonic and then two liters of rum and coke in one night, and I feel like right about now I might be missing them. Also about how my mom had a wonderful time in Ireland and Scotland. I think I might have enjoyed Scotland the most, and wasn't the biggest fan of Dublin, and found out the O'Neill clan was Ulster (N. Ireland- Union Jack) and that kind of bummed me out, but I think I need to devote some time over telling some of those stories on my blog in the next few weeks before school starts. (Blegh- school, so not excited)

This last week has been particularly complicated in the area of my relationship with D, which has been very difficult. I actually fled to Mexico for several days to be with Jare who is my best friend and a wonderful one at that, who supported me and just listened to me and sat with me when I was having a really big emotional hardship.

I am back in the States now. D and I have resolved to try and work things out once more, but with major changes this time. Most of them seem really daunting, but also extremely necessary, and I can honestly say that I am excited to address issues that have been holding me back in life. I cannot say for certain that I know that things will work out for D and I, but I can say that I do know that any growth that I can experiece within or out of the relationship is going to help me learn to be an emotionally healthier adult, which is a pretty exciting thing in the wrong one.

I wish that things didn't sometimes have to hit rockbottom before they get better, but I feel like maybe this is one of those instances. I guess only time will tell.

All I know is that I feel like I need to put away things from three different trips at this point, and I am thinking of renting the other room in my house when my roommate moves out in a few months, rather than having to clean or organize this one. I am only kidding, but I kind of wish that I could move in the other room to get away from this jumble of collections from different places.

Days in L.A.

Yesterday D and I spent the day together in LA before I left for Europe. We went to see the Pompeii exhibit at LACMA and then dined at The Stinking Rose for dinner and stayed in a hotel close to the airport.

This morning at breakfast I spilled coffee on my hand, which caused me to start crying and having a bit of a melt down. I have been so excited about this trip, but as happy as I am to have such an adventure, I am also sad to leave my love behind.

Now I am in Heathrow Airport, and I am just exhausted from this being about my 8th hour in an airport today... I am ready to arrive at my residence in Spain, to shower, and to sleep.

More adventures to come...

Too Much

4 classes, while working and attempting to be an intern is too much shit going on at one time to stay sane.

I think that's maybe part of the reason that I have been such a poor communicator in my relationship lately. It's like this general sense of being overwhelmed spills over into my personal life and I have a hard time separating eveything into neat little piles. This is the pile where you are overwhelmed by school and this is the pile where you love your boyfriend and you want to have a happy weekend with him without making all of these little conflicts out of nothing. If you saw my room right now, you'd see all the piles are pretty jumbled, and such is my life at the moment. (This kicker this weekend was really bad PMS)

Anyway I have things to look forward to.
1. Concert with D this weekend
2. Two concerts with Jare in like two weeks
3. Going home to see my family
4. and Summer Semester in Europe.

So if the next 4 weeks if a blur because of school I guess I am just going to suck it up and roll with the punches and hope that I keep my piles a bit more organized on the weekends so I am not so bitchy and conflict causing.

I am shocked as D smiles.

Thanks for capturing this rare moment John.

Just letting you all in on a little secret- he smiles a lot when he is with me.

But don't tell him I told you that.

He'd like to keep it a secret.

Great Shots from Friday at the WAP

I like the lighting and contrast in this one.
Small medium and large. The tiny one is a month old.

I am as sweet as nectar.

So crisp and beautiful

Baby cheetah!

Sleepy teenage lion.

Relationships 101

I have been with D for like 2.5 years now, or something like that, but I feel like I am still learning to be someone who is compatible with someone else. I need to be someone who is sensitive enough, but not over sensitive, interested enough, but not too nagging, etc. I guess that's to say that it is something that requires a constant tweaking of balance. Especially because we are not in the living together stage, we are still in this part where we are not completely involved in everything else the other one does yet, but still are interested- at least I think he is interested in my stuff to. ;)

Last night when I was taking a break from school work I was thinking about how one thing I need to work on it the ability to not feel responsible for someone else's feelings. I have always been the friend who feels like if you are sad then nothing more than my friendship should be enough to serve as a reminded that things will be okay, but this doesn't always work. Sometimes people have hard times and struggle with happiness and even if you are a part of that person's like you are not going to the instant thing that makes everything better. My problem is that I think I should be an instant fix. And then I tend to get a little bit angry at the other person when I am not their instant fix- not angry as much as frustrated, but I feel like I sit in front of D sometimes waving my hands and saying "UMMM BUT I'M Great!!!" and then get mad when he is not instantly happy again. I think that I realize that this is pretty silly and a little self centered. While I want him to think of me and our relationship as a positive thing to reflect on, I can't expect to be the cure all of everything, and when I do I am just going to let myself down.

And hell, I know plenty of women who are married, and have unhappy husbands and they are fine with it- in fact it doesn't seem to get them down at all. Okay, that's a joke. When you care about someone it is hard to not be attached to all of their emotions, but I am still seeking a healthy balance in this area. Maybe I am getting closer.

I'll follow you into the dark...

Taken on Assateague Island a few days after Christmas 2008...

My internet addiction is not porn...

I realize it's been several weeks of not blogging. I have been busy people.

Last few weeks included

• Waiting for my sister to arrive
• Finishing up every assignment that I have for school besides the ones that have to wait until finals week
• Trying to figure out how to pay for school next year, and getting some good feedback
• Seeing a friend I haven't gotten to see regularly for years on an almost daily basis
• Doing a "homeless ministry", witnessing a fake seizure, and buying hand sanitizer after holding hands with a man who insisted on praying for us
• Having a bed made up with fresh rose petals
• Working at a citizenship fair and helping 40 people complete their applications
• Dreaming in Spanish
• Planning a cruise for that I am going on with my family in two weeks from tomorrow
• Buying my plane ticket from LA to Spain to Dublin and back
• Feeling really good because I have so much free time on my hands (if only I had free money as well)
• Becoming totally addicted to shopping for travel on the Internet

Yep. I am completely addicted to expedia, priceline, kayak, cheaptickets, carnival, you name it, and I have probably spent a few hours on it. If only I had the motivation to research school funding as much as I did trips that I might never get the chance to take....

So the next few weeks include a cruise to Mexico, a trip to San Fran, and a trip to Baja Mexico to a much anticipated orphanage where Jare is, and eventually I will be spending my third Easter weekend in Julian with David, and you know what that means? Apple pie, delicious food, lots of birds (including turkeys), and Friends. Wooohhoooo.

Looking forward to breezing through the rest of the quarter and enjoy mi hermanita mucho.

V-Day is For Lovers

And that we are...

We went on a SD Harbor Cruise, had bloody Mary's and tequila, had an unplanned but delicious four course Italian meal complete with heart shaped lobster Ravioli, and went to see my first live Opera ever...

We make a great couple because we enjoy each other's company and always have great new experiences together. I love him. (In case you didn't know.)

Trip Pics

David and I took a trip back to my mother land this Christmas (by plane) but we traveled back to the left coast via car... It took me sometime to post all the pictures online, but they are all up on my webshots now and you can see them all if you care about us that much... You can see them all here.

These are some highlights This is David with his foot on top of a Cypress knee in Pocomoke, MD. The knees of the trees will shoot up out of the water (because when it is not winter and it's wet, this is swampy) and I believe it helps them to take in enough C02.This is my sister and D at Fort McHenry in Baltimore, MD. Francis Scott Key wrote the star-spangled banner about the flag that "was still there" which was housed at the fort.

This is when I became a prisoner at Fort McHenry, but the prison experience wasn't that bad because I was only sentenced to 30 seconds in the jail cell due to the fact that it was overcrowded and other people wanted to take pictures.



Here is D honoring the life of Edgar Allen Poe. We went to the house that he lived in, which seemed to be very much in proximity with some serious corner drug activity that was happening on this chilly Baltimore day. I felt like I was in The Wire for a minute.



Here I am trying to figure out how well I would fit in the sleeping quarters of a replica boat at Jamestown, VA.



I don't even know what state this is, but I was tired of driving so thought I would stop at this authentic Indian Trading post that advertised it's live buffalo for many is billboard... It was actually something I would like to call PETA about because this poor tourist attractions were pretty much living in their own feces and it was really gross and sad...


Here we are at the full size replica at the Parthenon. I know it was inTennessee. I think it was Nashville, but am not completely sure. We couldn't go in because it was closed, and it was really cold and early in the morning.

And here we are trying not to get frostbite at the grand canyon. I might have posted this before, but I don't remember. It was cold enough to warrant posting twice.

I am thankful for...

- canned cranberry sauce. Whenever people gush over the homemade stuff I tell them that I grew up eating in the can, and love it that way. My sister and I used to open up a can and eat it with a spoon. The first thanksgiving I spent away from my family they had homemade stuff and I felt like there was just something missing.

D and I were invited to several places to have Thanksgiving this year but have opted to stay at home and cook a huge meal only for ourselves. The goal is to relax, roll with the punches, and not have any stress over this holiday. In fact, right now he is making me lunch (which I am also thankful for) so that we can relax a bit more before we start cooking the fake turkey log and dressing in a few hours. Other dishes include creamed corn, mashed sweet potatoes, and a pumpkin cheesecake. I know it's a lot of food for two people but I think leftovers are the best part of Thanksgiving, so I am willing to suffer for the excess of food.

I am thankful for many other things.
I am thankful for Christmas I will be able to spend the holiday with my family and David.
I am thankful that I will spend tomorrow playing games and eating more yummy food with good friends.
I am thankful that the quarter has almost come to a close, and I have a manageable amount of work to get done in the next few weeks.
I am thankful that I got to spend time with Jare on her way to Portland.
I am so thankful for this relaxation right now. It feels nice.

Eleven days and doing the distance thing...

I will start out my whining by saying that even though it's an adjustment, I think being 1.5 hours away from each other has been good for D and I. I think it gives us (or at least me) concentrated time to focus on grad school without feeling pulled in other directions by each other. I am personally an attention hog, and if D was here I'd want most of his attention, and I'd want to give him mine. Unfortunately my attention is rather fully spent these days on twenty page papers about urban renewal and in microeconomics of supply and demand, and I really don't have all that much to spare- at least not on the week/classdays.

As this to say that tomorrow will be the 11th day I have not had a hug, kiss, or a cuddle from my love and I am starting to feel pretty in need of all three. I had a great time visiting my sister last weekend in DC, and I have been making some kickass progress on school assignments, but I am really just ready for a big ole' hug and kiss from David.

Monday was the 2nd year anniversary of our first date. We have grown so much in that time. We have grown as individuals and as a unit. It has been rough at times, but I think the difficulties are so worth is because the end product is a beautiful and intricate process that has left me more bonded with a person than I could have ever thought possible. It's hard to put it into words and to make other people understand the profundity of it, but I really feel like I have a mate and a life partner. Someone who accepts me as I am and challenges me to be the best I can be. Someone who is willing to work hard to make things work. Someone to laugh and cry with. Someone to share the mundane details of a day at school or the exciting details of a trip to a far away place. Someone to care about and someone who care about me just as much.

I am all mushy, but 11 days it a long time. As is two years. I feel like I am just get excited about all the future time we might have together because the process has been beautiful so far, and it seems like it can only get more beautiful and deeper than it already is, and that's lot to be excited about, isn't it?

Love

So if you haven't heard me whine about it yet D has moved to San Diego.

I am feeling more adjusted than I first was, but perhaps this is because I got to spend 5 nights and days with him for the long weekend.

And this morning I got a really sweet email from him, and it reminded me of when we used to send each other pages upon pages of emails when we were first meeting each other and first dating.

We have both grown and progressed so much as people since two years ago.

I love him a lot and I don't think I ever realized how a loving relationship and partnership really works and how caught up in someone elses existence you can be.

I like being caught up in it, and while change sucks, I feel like we have a good year in front of us, and hopefully many good years after that,

Three good things...

So I have been having a hard time adjusting and have been struggling with major anxiety/emotional distress lately. In an attempt to put a positive spin on today I told him that tomorrow (which is today) we should both tell each other three positive things so that we have some assurance that we are doing well.

His three things.

1. He got a new phone plan and he can talk to me whenever he wants to for free.
2. He has been getting more writing done since he has been in San Diego.
3. He had a bad dream about something in Orange County last night, but woke up and realized that he was 100 miles away from Orange County and didn't have to deal with it. (I am being vague about this specifically, but it's actually a very positive thing.)

My three things.

1- False thing- I bought him a cat to bring to his new place to keep him company, and I brought said cat to work with me today to spend the day with me, but soon it would move in with him. He pointed out that this was not a positive thing for him, and I said yes I know, but for me it would be very positive.

1. (Real) I was looking at my google calendar and realizing I only have three weeks at my job after this week. WooHoo!!
2. I have a 4 day weekend coming up and will hopefully get to spend most of that time with D.
3. (Half true, and more for for a joke.) I didn't smoke pot at the Radiohead concert last night. Mind you I have not smoked pot for a good three or more years and have never really gotten high, but last night there was a lot of pot being passed around and I was really tempted because it seemed to fit the mood, but I stuck with tobacco sticks instead because you wants to puff on a joint with a strangers mouth on in. That sounds yucky. So yeah, that was more of a joke one to comment on all the pot last night then to say that it was really a positive thing that I didn't smoke pot.
4. (Back to the real) I have a really great boyfriend who loves me a lot. (David reminded me of this, which was nice of him.)

I feel really good today, which is awesome. I liked starting the day like this.

If you are not familar with this look let me clue you in.

It's the
my love, I usually think you are so very charming, and lovely, but at the moment you have a had few too many beers at this wedding and are annoyingly flashing your camera in the faces of unsuspecting wedding guests, and my feet hurt, and I wouldn't mind going home and putting you in bed because you are acting really silly
face.

Stress Busters

I realize today that something I have known for a long time. I have a really hard time not letting the pain/stress of someone I love become my own pain/stress.

But I am working on changing that, because it makes me a healthier person...

So my stress busters for today included

• Freshly chopped watermelon from the Farmer's Market.
• Having an Italian Dinner at The Soprano's (with Jare) while doing my wash at the laundromat next door.
• Swimming laps for about 25 minutes at an apartment complex's pool. (close to me)
• Losing myself in the final book of the Twilight series at lunch and after my post-pool shower.

I think I will sleep well tonight and that tomorrow will be a good day because after work David will come over, give me lots of hugs, and play TtR with me until I am ready to snuggle.

Oh, so much to look forward to...

Fun things from our trip...

Because I need to think about fun stuff right now-

• Spending $20 at the arcade to win 300 tickets with which we purchased a 2 dollar ash tray and a 50 cent beer bottle opener key chain.
• Crossing PCH after being at the gaudy (ridiculous) Hearst Castle and going to stand out on the pier for about a half an hour- watching the pelicans dive in the water, the sea lions swim, and making friend with one particular friendly (and maybe injured) pelican.
• David buying the best smoked salmon I have ever had and eating it for breakfast with sourdough bread and roasted garlic.
• Staying in a REALLY nice hotel on Atascadero, which is the closest thing I have ever stayed in to the Ritz Carlton in San Fran (which was on someone else's dime), and taking a bath in the amazing whirlpool tub for an hour after D went to sleep.
• Feeding some of the trout at the Monterey Bay Aquarium when we were on the super secret behind-the-scenes tour.
• Taking some time out of all the touristy stuff to make our own breakfast and play boardgames in the redwood forest.
• Stopping at the winery, having some wine tastes, and them making a PBJ and cucumber picnic outside- for our lunch.
• Being very comfortable and content with my travel companion as we listened to books on tape and music, stayed in 5 different places, encountered new things, ate good and bad food, and enjoyed each others company on our short sojourn.