It has to be better this time...

I signed up for my classes at UCI yesterday. This is really very exciting for me. I have been out of school since 2005 and have been working ever since them to maintain my life in Orange County. I have not loved my jobs, but I made many friend at them and got a sweet Severance package from New Century not to mention unemployment, and maybe one day when the whole bankruptcy thing gets settled they will send me another check for $600.

Anyway, I am a little bit scared of starting school and mainly because it makes me think about when I started school again in Fall 2005. After taking a year off from school and working at New Century I decided that I should work on getting my teaching credential. I figured I could go to Vanguard, and wouldn't have to do much to get into the program-which was true. They accepted me with no problem.

The slight problem in all of this was that I had no interest in teaching- although I convinced myself it was the right thing for a while. I thought that I would get summers off like my mom did when I was growing up, I'd make decent money (if I could get a job) and I'd be able to apply my History degree- which is something that seemed rather hopeless at the time.

The only hurdle I had to jump over was taking the CSET for history. I had to take one twice, but I passed. I started the program and was surrounded by all these hyper-enthused classmates. I had no enthusiasm. I got into a classroom and realized that it scared the shit out of me that the kids looked not that much younger than me. I felt like I didn't remember history well enough to teach it, and eventually I just realized that I didn't care about teaching, and I just wanted an easy pathway to a job, and that therefore I would suck as a teacher because I would be unhappy doing it.

So I dropped out like a month or so into the program. I lost part of the money I had paid Vanguard, and I eventually wound up back at New Century again.

I never felt like I failed or gave up. I knew I made the right choice to leave and the wrong choice to enroll just because it seemed like I might be able to work it out.

Starting school again scares me just because what if the same thing happens again? I guess I feel like there is little chance of that because this program is something that I really care about and I think it really will give me the tools to work in a career that focuses on environmental sustainability-which is something I really care about. I definitely worked harder to get in, and am proud of how hard I worked. I am just a little bit nervous to start school again and see how it works out this time.

I plan on being completely happy and successful and I am sure not going into is half-hearted by any means this time, so I think I am starting off on a better foot than before, and that has to help.