Serenity

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I have heard this prayer for a long time, but haven't truly contemplated it until the last years.
I realize that while life seems to be changing rapidly as of late, it really has been changing pretty rapidly for the past two years. I think that this change has shaken me so much because it involves people, and the one thing that value the most in my life is my relationships. And I have been blessed to have very stable relationships in the past several years. Now that people are moving I think that since I am not the one who is making the choices about the changes, I feel really uneasy, because simply said I am a control freak, and don't like when I cannot make things around me go the way I want them to.

All that to say that I know that currently the thing that I can change is my own attitude and mindset when it comes to dealing with the way things are going in life.

It's been a good weekend, and I think that if I had to make a judgement I would say that I am growing more comfortable with the upcoming changes in my life. But I mean, they still haven't happened yet, so I guess I will cross that bridge when I get there.

I want to throw up/move to Canada/not sing 'I'm proud to be an American'

So kudos to the Supreme Court for just confirming America is in the state that it is currently in.

I'm headed over to Walmart right to get me my firearm.
I mean, I have to be a little smart and say that I understand that the Supreme Courts decision doesn't immediately mean that guns are okay anywhere, but I also understand that the United States Government just made a huge statement that it pro-guns, and that makes my stomach turn.

It seems like we could look very simply at countries who are less supportive of firearms and see that there violence level seems to be slightly (?) lower than ours.I can't go on here because I don't have all the statistic and intellect to spew out to you at the moment.

I'm just kind of angry and I don't feel proud to be an American at all.

Break Room Fou Paux

Let me start out my post by saying how much I love my job. (Sarcasm intended)

So I walk in to the breakroom for lunch, and there is an almost gone pizza. Generally at my office pizza in the breakroom on the table without anyone in there means that someone had a meeting and didn't finish it and now it's a free for all.

So I say 'Can I have a piece of pizza? Whose pizza is this?'

And I get this weird answer that was like 'Well yeah, I guess. W paid for most of it, but umm..'

Out of embarrassment I am just like 'Oh I don't need to eat pizza anyway' (Which is true)

But it make me feel like an awkward food scavenger in my office.

We just don't have the relationships here where were share stuff with other people.
(Can't wait until school starts)

Afterlife

Love of mine some day you will die But I'll be close behind I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white Just our hands clasped so tight Waiting for the hint of a spark

If heaven and hell decide That they both are satisfied Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you When your soul embarks Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black

And I held my tongue as she told me Son fear is the heart of love So I never went back

If heaven and hell decide That they both are satisfied Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you When your soul embarks Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see From Bangcok to Calgary

And the soles of your shoes are all worn down The time for sleep is now

It's nothing to cry about Cause we'll hold each other soon In the blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide

That they both are satisfied Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you When your soul embarks

Then I'll follow you into the dark

Then I'll follow you into the dark

Weekend Loves/Likes/Not Like so Much

Loves

• David making me such a yummy breakfast this morning
• D telling me how much I mean to him and how much he truly appreciates all my help in house hunting yesterday. (Feeling that I have been on less of an emotional roller coaster about the whole thing, and feeling very secure about the future.)
• Having a non-spastic back, which is such a change from a week ago today.
• The Sicilian Thing pizza place that the Remy family recommended. D had thick. I had thin. It was scrumptious.
• Having the kitty wake me up on Saturday morning (and then going back to bed for a while.)
• Talking much with my surrogate sister, and thinking about getting her and Arnie together when she is here.

Likes

• The Mushroom Focaccia pocket for breakfast from the F-Market.
• Book Club meeting outside on my porch tonight. We talked about Three Cups of Tea, which is a really touching story about a man who starts a foundation to build schools in Pakistan and Afghanistan.
• The pretty sunset on the ride home.
• Playing a word game on the table at Macaroni Grill last night.
• Fresh watermelon from the F-Market, and blueberries, and blackberries. (YUMMM!)
• Staying in an air-conditioned house and a weekend when AC was much needed.
• Going to a party and seeing old friend on Friday night. Realizing how great being real with people is, and how certain relationships are such blessings.
• Feeling like we found a good home for D in San Diego.
• A few new dresses that are good for hot weather. (None over $15)

Not Like So Much

• D's parents dog who is really rambunctious and feeling bad for her being in the hot yard all day.
• My new shoes rubbing a bad blister on the back of foot, and realizing after a month of wanting them I need to return them.
• The lady not calling us when she rented the room D wanted, causing us to wait in San Diego for two additional hours.
• The temperature ranging from 109 in San Diego yesterday to 95 here today.
• Stubbing my two twice yesterday.

All in all this was a great weekend. I will be in L.A for the next two nights at two concerts. I am pretty excited about both. I am so thankful that life has been a blessing lately, and actually feeling great about house sitting for the next week and a half or so, because both places have AC and the heat was definitely getting to my head a little bit.

Getting Big

Yesterday David and I spent the WHOLE day house hunting in San Diego (please let me mention the fact that it was 109 degrees where we were. I suggested that on the way home we stop at the Wild Animal Park because they start there night zoo thing, but he said he didn't think it would be a good call because we had a long day and were tired. I agreed with him, because Escondido isn't exactly on the way home (and I am going with my sister in a few weeks). I checked the weather and it said that is was still in the nineties there are 7pm last night- we would have been so tired and miserable.

But look at how big these baby lions are getting. This was a month ago when we were in Julian for Mother's Day. They are probably going to look like almost full grown lions by the time I get to take Arnie. I hope that it's not 106 when we go there next month.

Perhaps this is why I love Elton John (or the Muppets)?

For some reason I cannot get a separate video just for Benny and Jets. I loved the Muppet Show when I was growing up, and I kind of think that's why I still love Elton John or why I started to love him in the first place. I just remember loving the Benny and Jets thing when I was little.

Oh, I found it!

Lucky Me. Thankful Me.

(I love this picture.)

So I hurt my back a while ago and it flared up this past weekend and was in a lot of pain. I finally went to the Doc on Monday for some medicine, but yesterday sitting in my work chair killed me. Even after taking muscle relaxers I was in pain.

I am also extremely stubborn and want to do everything for myself, so on the phone at lunch I cried and insisted I would make dinner, and David said he could.

So last night when I got home D had to bags of groceries, and he made me a double batch of bean and cheese burritos and explained that he was making a lot so I wouldn't have to make lunch for the rest of the week or dinner even. He worked for about 1.5 hours while I feel asleep in my bed and laid on ice. It was a lovely meal. I insisted on cleaning up, but he said no, and then he spent time cleaning my kitchen. I took a pain pill and shortly feel asleep.

I am so thankful to have someone who loves me enough to take care of me when I need to be cared for. I feel so loved and so thankful that I have David. I am not trying to be sappy or anything, but being taken care of sure is awesome.

And, I think the back feels a bit better today because I got a lot of rest and didn't strain it last night.

Weekend High Points

• Sweet Basil Cafe for lunch with Jare. Feeling so fortunate that we have had several occasions that we have been able to just sit down and talk for a few hours lately. This has been such a blessing for me in the midst of the crazy life. I missed long hours of talking and it's good to have had so many lately.
• Seeing The Visitor with David because it was a really good movie and made a political commentary while being very subtle and undramatic. It was a great movie, and I would recommend going to see it while it's still in theaters.
• The Super Heroes party, which was only complete with Pina Coladas (some virgin), Margaritas (too sour), and Issac's awesome White Russians with Fat Free half and half. I think I drank quite a few drinks, but never felt anywhere near tipsy. It was definitely a night of highly sugared drinks. Yum.
• Corn-hominy chowder. I was proud of that creation.
• Seeing friends I haven't seen for a while, and having a living room FULL of people makes my house feel like my home.
• Breakfast at Alta. My choice was breakfast at alta or a shower and I picked breakfast which meant that I went to meeting with a baseball cap and contact lenses, and no one recognized me at all.
• David rubbing my back tenderly because yesterday (and today in fact) it was in spasm and was really really hurting.
• The kids in the First Day school were fun yesterday. Our lesson wasn't the best, but we talked about Darth Vader and Homer Simpson and how they were happy that they had fathers were better fathers than those two characters. The kids seems to appreciate their fathers doing the dishes more than anything else that came to mind. How cute, and funny, and fun.

Sex in an MRI tube, anyone?

I finished reading this book about a week ago and thoroughly both enjoyed it and learned quite a bit from it. The book is about historical and and current scientific research that had been done about sex. It dates back to earlier than Kinsey's research and includes accounts of Sex in a MRI tube, and a personal account that the author gives about being a research subject and having sex with her husband while a doctor had a conversation with her husband and performing an ultrasound on the two of them to observe (internally) what happened when they had sex.

The chapter dealing with female orgasm talks about Princess Maria Bonaparte and her research and finding about the distance of the clitoris from the vaginal opening is highly connected to the likelihood that a woman will have an orgasm during normal 'missionary position' sex. (The more distance between the two, the less likely it is for orgasm to be achieved.) Princess Bonaparte has her clitoris surgically moved TWICE in order to cure her problem of 'frigidity' but both times it was unsuccessful.

There's a lot of good information in this book. For example, it talks about why regularly masturbating can help woman who have sexual dysfunction more than Viagra. It has lots of information about male sexual dysfunction and some really cringe-worthy discussions of certain implants and other methods that can be used to helped male sexual problems. The last chapter talks about how homosexual couples who were studied (maybe 20 years ago) were observed as being much more in-tune with their partners sexual needs, while heterosexual couples have a much harder time doing this. She ended by saying that in the 20 years that have elapsed between that study and today a lot of research on sex has really helped couples to better understand both their own bodies and their partners.

I personally like learning about sex because learning about it as a biological and scientific process helps me to disassociate negative and guilty feelings about it. The more I learn, the more I can talk about, and the more I talk about sex, the more comfortable and confident I become around the topic. This book also made me laugh out loud almost every time I picked it up, so there's a another upside to reading it.

If you want to borrow my copy, just let me know.

Hermanita Aqui

Breaking News: It is now confirmed that the little sister (otherwise known as babe) will be making an appearance in the OC from July 10th-July 15th. She plans on making many guest appearances at special events and not only spending her time with the best big sister ever, but also the other people who love her on the West Coast. Please make your reservations now as her schedule could get quite busy.

(I cannot believe how much we have both grown up since this picture that was taken over three years ago on the bus rise across the border in Tijuana. It's weird when your little sister is a real grown-up even when you don't think you are a real grown-up quite yet.)

Feel Good Religion

Last week I saw Rainn Wilson speak at UCI about his perspective coming from the Bahá'í Faith. The event was great in that he was hilarious, and that I really liked what he was saying to young people about going on their own spiritual journeys and coming to their own truth about God and religion and such. I liked his perspective on the value of humans and how through valuing people and loving them we are essentially participating in a spiritual solution to some of the worlds major problems.

Anyway, the point of this post is not to talk about the presentation. After I went I was talking to a few people about the presentation and trying to recap it and give my impression of what he said the faith was all about. In saying that I compared it to Quakerism (although I am told it is a little bit more strict and by the book than Quakerism). I was saying that they believed in the unity of all Gods in religion and the unity of people and the value of people. I said that I thought the main difference between it and Quakerism was that it seemed like you needed to believe in God proper to be Baha'i, but in Quakerism not so much- although Quakers do tend to say that they search for God within each person, which to me makes it kind of humanist rather than true theism. But I don't want to completely get into the Quaker faith either, because it is something I have a hard time putting into words.

So when I was talking about this two different people said something along the lines of 'oh, so this is one of those hippie-feel-good-everything-goes religions?' Both people come from a Christian background, so I get where they were coming from, but at the same time I found it offensive in that it completely over simplified a faith (Quakerism) that I take rather seriously. To me the so to speak gospel of Quakerism includes: tolerance, understanding, open-mindedness, acceptance, social responsibility, social justice, equality, and valuing other people. It's something I take seriously, and maybe it is more so of a 'feel good' religion because I don't feel an overwhelming guilt that God is going to strike me down for sinning or that I have to be ashamed of sin, but it's also pretty serious and could be kind of heavy to really consider where your social responsibility in the world resides. It doesn't always feel good to be open to people with different beliefs or try to understand people from different backgrounds, but it certainly is important, and it truly does form bonds between people groups that can have a big impact on the world.

I hope I am saying this clearly and emphasizing the fact that I think that for me Quakerism is much more than something that makes me feel good. It makes me feel responsible and connected to my fellow man. I makes me feel as though I have a context in which to engage really difficult issues. I guess no one in religion wants to be put in a box (and neither to I), so I felt like I needed to explain a bit better my connection to this faith.

I will leave you with a link to my friends blog and her posting of this month's advices and queries from our Friends meeting in hopes that it gives a look into the things that Friends find important and chose to think about/discuss during their time of worship and meditation.

Where I Come From

There are horses (actually they are ponies) on the beach. I know this is a sucky picture because it's a picture of a picture, but you can see that the pony is having a little prance in the ocean with the tourists. Here's some info about this amazing national park where I am from on the Eastern shore of Maryland. I guess they are really horses, but we always call them ponies.

They are actually kind of a nuisance because they leave big horse poop piles on the beach and they will walk right onto your beach blanket and demand your lunch from you, but that's really because people have fed them too much and they are completely uninhibited.

The picture is from a card my mom sent me, and her last line was 'Do you have horses on your beach?'

So if you ever get a chance to go to Assateague Island is an awesome place to see some really cool wildlife.

Okay to cry?

Since I cried a lot this weekend, David and I had this discussion about why we cry/don't cry.

I told him that I grew up in a household where I was never discouraged from crying. The only time I remember when we had some issues about crying was when my little sister was going through this phase where she cried over anything and everything and we would tell her she 'cried over air' which made her cry. I generally will 'cry over air' throughout certain periods (or certain periods in my life), so I feel bad for giving her a hard time for it now.

But in general I was always taught that it was okay to cry and it was best to get it out. Crying was a good therapeutic release that helped to keep one from suppressing their emotions. I have cried about my lack of father through out my life-sometimes out of sadness and sometimes anger, but I think that my mother encouraged this in order to help me express myself.

I spent a lot of my years in the Pentecostal church crying and weeping hysterically during services. I think a lot of it had to do with feeling overwhelmed with conviction or overburdened by the weight of the souls of others. Some of it had to do with guilt and shame, and a lot of it (once again) had to do with my abandonment issues and my father. I felt that all of this crying, and all of the prayer and encouragement of others was therapeutic, but it got old after a while. And then I kind of felt bad when I didn't cry because I thought maybe God was not speaking to me or maybe I couldn't heat him.

I cried periodically in college. The most memorable crying was my second year when I was in a bunk bed that I used to slam my head on about once a month. I was never able to just shake this off at all, I think I used it was an excuse to get some good cry time in, but really it just generally hurt and when I hurt I thought about all the stuff that hurt- like missing my family, etc.

As I have gotten older I still cry quite a bit. I was regularly crying over sex for a while, which was really extremely annoying and probably had nothing to do with sex at all. I think it sucked the most because it but a really negative spin on something that should not be negative. I cry about once a month when I get all hormonal. I think during this time just about anything can and will make me cry. I am working on rectifying my source of birth control because I think this makes it more out of control than it should be.

This weekend I felt justified in my crying-although wished a lot that I could stop. I cried because my anxiety about David leaving is high, and it brings up all this abandonment BS which is totally frustrating- but real at the same time. I cried because as happy as I am for him, and I also really sad that I will have to save up all my love for the weekends, and that it might be sort of a struggle with loneliness, etc. I don't know if the crying helped that much, but it certainly is a good way to acknowledge the fear and anxiety of the situation. Now I just need to start dealing with it in a healthy manner. I know that I can, it's just a little bit hard.

So the moral of this post is that I cry a lot, and I am completely okay with it. I think it's a major source of release and it helps me to get emotions out rather than keep them in. It makes me feel less week than it does vulnerable, and I am happy when I have someone to share the vulnerability with- crying alone is a little bit harder.

Do you cry? Are you okay with crying? Are you ashamed of crying? What role has crying played in your life? Is it something that had never happened, come in stages, or has been common in your life?