Monday, June 2, 2008

Okay to cry?

Since I cried a lot this weekend, David and I had this discussion about why we cry/don't cry.

I told him that I grew up in a household where I was never discouraged from crying. The only time I remember when we had some issues about crying was when my little sister was going through this phase where she cried over anything and everything and we would tell her she 'cried over air' which made her cry. I generally will 'cry over air' throughout certain periods (or certain periods in my life), so I feel bad for giving her a hard time for it now.

But in general I was always taught that it was okay to cry and it was best to get it out. Crying was a good therapeutic release that helped to keep one from suppressing their emotions. I have cried about my lack of father through out my life-sometimes out of sadness and sometimes anger, but I think that my mother encouraged this in order to help me express myself.

I spent a lot of my years in the Pentecostal church crying and weeping hysterically during services. I think a lot of it had to do with feeling overwhelmed with conviction or overburdened by the weight of the souls of others. Some of it had to do with guilt and shame, and a lot of it (once again) had to do with my abandonment issues and my father. I felt that all of this crying, and all of the prayer and encouragement of others was therapeutic, but it got old after a while. And then I kind of felt bad when I didn't cry because I thought maybe God was not speaking to me or maybe I couldn't heat him.

I cried periodically in college. The most memorable crying was my second year when I was in a bunk bed that I used to slam my head on about once a month. I was never able to just shake this off at all, I think I used it was an excuse to get some good cry time in, but really it just generally hurt and when I hurt I thought about all the stuff that hurt- like missing my family, etc.

As I have gotten older I still cry quite a bit. I was regularly crying over sex for a while, which was really extremely annoying and probably had nothing to do with sex at all. I think it sucked the most because it but a really negative spin on something that should not be negative. I cry about once a month when I get all hormonal. I think during this time just about anything can and will make me cry. I am working on rectifying my source of birth control because I think this makes it more out of control than it should be.

This weekend I felt justified in my crying-although wished a lot that I could stop. I cried because my anxiety about David leaving is high, and it brings up all this abandonment BS which is totally frustrating- but real at the same time. I cried because as happy as I am for him, and I also really sad that I will have to save up all my love for the weekends, and that it might be sort of a struggle with loneliness, etc. I don't know if the crying helped that much, but it certainly is a good way to acknowledge the fear and anxiety of the situation. Now I just need to start dealing with it in a healthy manner. I know that I can, it's just a little bit hard.

So the moral of this post is that I cry a lot, and I am completely okay with it. I think it's a major source of release and it helps me to get emotions out rather than keep them in. It makes me feel less week than it does vulnerable, and I am happy when I have someone to share the vulnerability with- crying alone is a little bit harder.

Do you cry? Are you okay with crying? Are you ashamed of crying? What role has crying played in your life? Is it something that had never happened, come in stages, or has been common in your life?