Because endings are hard...

My sister is graduating. I just listened to her last radio show, and she sounded emotional, which made me cry for some reason. I looked up an old blog entry from around the time I graduated, and it makes me realize that I have forgotten the overwhelming feeling of leaving my college life behind. I have forgotten how much I valued my college experience and my friends and how hard it was to leave them. (It was so hard that I moved back 4 months later)
So I guess this post is dedicated to my sister with both congratulations for finishing, more of a communication that I understand where you are right now and I think you should embrace your last days with your friends as much I tried to when I realized it was all about it be over and that I had to move one.
I know my sister will go on to great things and that there will continue to be endings in life that are difficult. It's good to look back and think about how things felt at certain times in life, because remembering them is powerful.

Sunday, May 01, 2005
i stared at her image in the side view mirror. the wind blowing and knew that we must be living in a different realm. and i kept looking at the face. hair blowing. sheer beauty. and i just wanted her to smile and be happy and know that she was loved. i wanted to know that the beauty in her heart and soul just shines. shines. shines. and i wanted to say that everything was okay and that whatever was going on in that mind would be resolved. but i couldn't. so i just looked in the mirror and took in the beauty of the experience. and though i saw her face it was almost as if i could read her heart. and i almost cried. so i shut my eyes and let the music language that carried me. and i knew that this was eternity in the back seat.
can i put you in my pocket and keep you with me always? i don't care if none of us grow, so long as we don't grow together. i don't care what happens as long as you promise that we can be friends forever. FORVEVER. that nothing will ever change and that you will always love me. always.
i cried so hard today. i felt out of control. i still do. no one seems to understand. its weird and it is hard and i am not sure if i am going to make it.
my friends. my friends. my friends.
my heart is breaking. breaking. shine forth sweet sun and melt all these cares away. i promise i will not falter. i will love.

Countdown to Completing Quarter 1 of 6...

Today kicked serious ass. There is no other way to describe it. Not only did I turn in all but one of my remaining assignments for the quarter, but I also got offered an internship with an organization called OCCORD that I am really stoked about.

I still have mixed feeling about my program, but I seem to have conquered the first quarter, and feel like this internship is a step in the right direction for learning about the areas of the field that I am really the most interested in.

So to sum things up, I am feeling pretty happy. And I also am exploring the possibility of doing a summer program in Europe, which could also make me very happy.


One quick question for any readers: When you were in college did students always clap on the last day of class? I went to my first class today and I thought that students were clapping because the teacher ended the class on a sort of inspirational note, but in my next class it didn't end in quite the same manner, but everyone still clapped. On the way out of class I asked a colleague if that was standard behavior and she said that it had been in every undergraduate class she had taken. Have you had similar experiences? Is it just my small private liberal arts university education that didn't make me aware of this clapping practice or are others not aware of it as well?

The Value of Time with Friends (Thoughts on the Holiday Season)

This picture was taken by John, who is linked on my sidebar at Mind on Fire. It was taken during a post-Thankgiving Anti-Consumer Party, which makes a point of spending time with friends playing games, eating good food, and enjoying each others company instead of waking up at 5am to hit those huge black Friday sales.

As Christmas is just around the corner, I have been thinking about how most of the gifts I purchase for people will ultimately be bought with student loan money, which isn't the most comforting thought. A friend of mine called me yesterday and asked if rather thank buying gifts for her and her husband, D and I would want to get together with them and make dinner and have a game night. I liked her proactive approach to this and the fact that her idea took the emphasis off purchasing something for each other and put it on spending time with each other, which is really the point of the holidays.

So I am thinking of extending this offer to some other friends because to cook dinner and hang out just sounds so much better than shopping for junk and worrying about money. Perhaps nearer to the holiday and when my finals are finished I will get a creative spark in me, but recently during the holidays I have kind of lacked the energy for that, so I guess we will see.

My Christmas present this year is going to be all about spending time with loved ones, and will include a trip back east with D to meet my family, and take a road trip cross country in the new/used car that my mom has to kindly decided to gift me. So yeah I am getting a big gift, which is really great, but I will honestly be more excited to spend the time with my family then to have a new car.

I value the time I get with friends and family so much and parties like the one in the picture are just a reminder or how much fun that time can be. = )

I am thankful for...

- canned cranberry sauce. Whenever people gush over the homemade stuff I tell them that I grew up eating in the can, and love it that way. My sister and I used to open up a can and eat it with a spoon. The first thanksgiving I spent away from my family they had homemade stuff and I felt like there was just something missing.

D and I were invited to several places to have Thanksgiving this year but have opted to stay at home and cook a huge meal only for ourselves. The goal is to relax, roll with the punches, and not have any stress over this holiday. In fact, right now he is making me lunch (which I am also thankful for) so that we can relax a bit more before we start cooking the fake turkey log and dressing in a few hours. Other dishes include creamed corn, mashed sweet potatoes, and a pumpkin cheesecake. I know it's a lot of food for two people but I think leftovers are the best part of Thanksgiving, so I am willing to suffer for the excess of food.

I am thankful for many other things.
I am thankful for Christmas I will be able to spend the holiday with my family and David.
I am thankful that I will spend tomorrow playing games and eating more yummy food with good friends.
I am thankful that the quarter has almost come to a close, and I have a manageable amount of work to get done in the next few weeks.
I am thankful that I got to spend time with Jare on her way to Portland.
I am so thankful for this relaxation right now. It feels nice.

Things that Fall by the Wayside

Since I started school 8 weeks ago several things in my life have fallen by the wayside.
Two things that I miss very much include reading for pleasure and taking pictures.
I have maintained a limited social life, and mostly cram all of my school work into the weekdays so I can have relaxing Fridays-Sunday afternoons (at which point I resume work again.)

I am actually a teeny tiny bit ahead of the game since one of my generous professors reduced a class requirement that takes hours a week in order to allow people to have more time to spend on their papers during the last two weeks of school. Because I am a nerd, and because I like to be proactive and not put things off until the last minute, I have completed a great deal of this paper, leaving me with a small amount of time on my hands, which is nice.

I have certainly had my complaints about the program and UCI, but this is what I asked for isn't it? As I was studying for a final exam I have in class tomorrow and as the concepts started sort of gelling together, I realized that I like being a scholar and understanding new concepts because it makes me feel like I can utilize some of restless brain power. I love when the conclusion of studying for a test makes me feel as though I have really learned something. And because of that I am a nerd.

So I know that my blogging has somewhat gone by the wayside as grad school kicked in, but it's okay because in some form I am 'living the dream.' = )

Eleven days and doing the distance thing...

I will start out my whining by saying that even though it's an adjustment, I think being 1.5 hours away from each other has been good for D and I. I think it gives us (or at least me) concentrated time to focus on grad school without feeling pulled in other directions by each other. I am personally an attention hog, and if D was here I'd want most of his attention, and I'd want to give him mine. Unfortunately my attention is rather fully spent these days on twenty page papers about urban renewal and in microeconomics of supply and demand, and I really don't have all that much to spare- at least not on the week/classdays.

As this to say that tomorrow will be the 11th day I have not had a hug, kiss, or a cuddle from my love and I am starting to feel pretty in need of all three. I had a great time visiting my sister last weekend in DC, and I have been making some kickass progress on school assignments, but I am really just ready for a big ole' hug and kiss from David.

Monday was the 2nd year anniversary of our first date. We have grown so much in that time. We have grown as individuals and as a unit. It has been rough at times, but I think the difficulties are so worth is because the end product is a beautiful and intricate process that has left me more bonded with a person than I could have ever thought possible. It's hard to put it into words and to make other people understand the profundity of it, but I really feel like I have a mate and a life partner. Someone who accepts me as I am and challenges me to be the best I can be. Someone who is willing to work hard to make things work. Someone to laugh and cry with. Someone to share the mundane details of a day at school or the exciting details of a trip to a far away place. Someone to care about and someone who care about me just as much.

I am all mushy, but 11 days it a long time. As is two years. I feel like I am just get excited about all the future time we might have together because the process has been beautiful so far, and it seems like it can only get more beautiful and deeper than it already is, and that's lot to be excited about, isn't it?

My growing list of things they should tell you when you're in grad school

1. You have a mailbox, in a mail room and knowing where that is could be crucial to your existence,

2. There is probably a fridge in your departments lounge that you can keep you lunch in and even a microwave use so you don't have eat lukewarm leftovers.

3.There is a room in the library just for grad students, so you don't have to find a spot among all the undergrads who are using up the power outlets on the first and fourth floor just to play online video poker.

I guess there is a learning curve, huh?

Mixed Emotions

If I wasn't about 1 hour out from a midterm, I would write more of my own thoughts, but I have to echo John's thoughts in this post where he discusses one civil rights victory and one defeat.

All the money that was poured into this kind of makes my stomach turn a lot.

But I am celebrating the presidential victory...

Mircoeconomics and Sex

Today in my Micro class the teacher was telling the class how it would be really difficult to work out a certain problem that he had given us and that it was going to take a substantial amount of time and effort, and that we might find this to be an annoyance, but it is what he likes to call learning.

He then proceeded to say that the first time it would be long and difficult, but all the following times you could get it done much more easily and a lot faster. But he reiterated the much easier and faster thing several times.

I started laughing a lot, and someone looked at me like I was crazy, but all I could think of from his explanation was sex.

I mean I guess the first time doesn't always take a really long time, but it could be really difficult, no?

Hmm. I don't know if you see a parallel, but I definitely laughed in my micro class today, which is a rarity, so I was happy.

Friday Night- Fighing with Myself

I think that the major beast I am fighting tonight is exhaustion, and I should just go to bed, but I am sitting up here looking at my best friend's stuff that is all over the living room, and I am thinking about how starting tomorrow she will no longer be my roommate, and how it's a very sad thing for me.

I have most certainly taken for granted the fact that I had such a wonderful living situation living with my best friend. I have two other roommate besides my current roommates, and although they both remain friends neither one of them was my best friend, like Jare is.

We wait for each other to get home and catch up with each other at home almost everyday. We have gone to Portland together twice and San Francisco together once. We have never had any major drama in our relationship, and I think that we have always been very honest and open with each other. Although we sometimes have really insightful wisdom to offer to each other, we mainly just listen to, empathize with, and share with each other.

I didn't even meet Jare until I was a senior in high school, but when I moved out here she helped me move into my house, and basically put my bed together for me. She is awesome, strong, smart, and has an amazing heart, and I am so happy that she is going somewhere that she needs to be, but at the same time I might be crying a little bit because it's hard to realize how much you take people for granted until they are leaving.

So I am really sad, but happy at the same time. I know we will email and keep in touch, and really she is only about an hour (I think) across the Mexican border, so it's not like she moved that my farther away than David did. I need to get over my fear of driving across the border and just do it.

So maybe I am not going to sleep because I am sad, and wishing that she would walk up the steps to hang out for a little bit on the last night that she lives here, but I think it's late and she probably spent the night at her home in Riverside.

I'm pretty sad, but very thankful that I have been so blessed by amazing friends (who feel like family) like Jare.

Also if you are interested in donating to her or just learning about what she is going to be doing in Mexico there is a link to her blog here. Again, she has an amazing heart and will impact so many people in the future. The kids at this orphanage are going to love her so much, but I don't know if they will love her as much as me.

I am not completely invested in this election,

but I would still like a shirt that said this.

I needed a good laugh

This article if written by David Sedaris and published in the current addition of the New Yorker. I was going to post a link, but it's to good to to copy and paste.

I saw Sedaris tonight at the Long Beach Convention Center and this story was by far the star of the show.

I don’t know that it was always this way, but, for as long as I can remember, just as we move into the final weeks of the Presidential campaign the focus shifts to the undecided voters. “Who are they?” the news anchors ask. “And how might they determine the outcome of this election?”
Then you’ll see this man or woman— someone, I always think, who looks very happy to be on TV. “Well, Charlie,” they say, “I’ve gone back and forth on the issues and whatnot, but I just can’t seem to make up my mind!” Some insist that there’s very little difference between candidate A and candidate B. Others claim that they’re with A on defense and health care but are leaning toward B when it comes to the economy.
I look at these people and can’t quite believe that they exist. Are they professional actors? I wonder. Or are they simply laymen who want a lot of attention?
To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. “Can I interest you in the chicken?” she asks. “Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?”
To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked.
I mean, really, what’s to be confused about?
When doubting that anyone could not know whom they’re voting for, I inevitably think back to November, 1968. Hubert Humphrey was running against Richard Nixon, and when my mother couldn’t choose between them she had me do it for her. It was crazy. One minute I was eating potato chips in front of the TV, and the next I was at the fire station, waiting with people whose kids I went to school with. When it was our turn, we were led by a woman wearing a sash to one of a half-dozen booths, the curtain of which closed after we entered.
“Go ahead,” my mother said. “Flick a switch, any switch.”
I looked at the panel in front of me.
“Start on the judges or whatever and we’ll be here all day, so just pick a President and make it fast. We’ve wasted enough time already.”
“Which one do you think is best?” I asked.
“I don’t have an opinion,” she told me. “That’s why I’m letting you do it. Come on, now, vote.”
I put my finger on Hubert Humphrey and then on Richard Nixon, neither of whom meant anything to me. What I most liked about democracy, at least so far, was the booth—its quiet civility, its atmosphere of importance. “Hmm,” I said, wondering how long we could stay before someone came and kicked us out.
Ideally, my mother would have waited outside, but, as she said, there was no way an unescorted eleven-year-old would be allowed to vote, or even hang out, seeing as the lines were long and the polls were open for only one day. “Will you please hurry it up?” she hissed.
“Wouldn’t it be nice to have something like this in our living room?” I asked. “Maybe we could use the same curtains we have on the windows.”
“All right, that’s it.” My mother reached for Humphrey but I beat her to it, and cast our vote for Richard Nixon, who had the same last name as a man at our church. I assumed that the two were related, and only discovered afterward that I was wrong. Richard Nixon had always been Nixon, while the man at my church had shortened his name from something funnier but considerably less poster-friendly—Nickapopapopolis, maybe.
“Oh, well,” I said.
We drove back home, and when asked by my father whom she had voted for, my mother said that it was none of his business.
“What do you mean, ‘none of my business’?” he said. “I told you to vote Republican.”
“Well, maybe I did and maybe I didn’t.”
“You’re not telling me you voted for Humphrey.” He said this as if she had marched through the streets with a pan on her head.
“No,” she said. “I’m not telling you that. I’m not telling you anything. It’s private—all right? My political opinions are none of your concern.”
“What political opinions?” he said. “I’m the one who took you down to register. You didn’t even know there was an election until I told you.”
“Well, thanks for telling me.”
She turned to open a can of mushroom soup. This would be poured over pork chops and noodles and served as our dinner, casserole style. Once we’d taken our seats at the table, my parents would stop fighting directly, and continue their argument through my sisters and me. Lisa might tell a story about her day at school and, if my father said it was interesting, my mother would laugh.
“What’s so funny?” he’d say.
“Nothing. It’s just that, well, I suppose everyone has a different standard. That’s all.”
When told by my father that I was holding my fork wrong, my mother would say that I was holding it right, or right in “certain circlesWe don’t know how people eat the world over,” she’d say, not to him but to the buffet or the picture window, as if the statement had nothing to do with any of us.
I wasn’t looking forward to that kind of evening, and so I told my father that I had voted. “She let me,” I said. “And I picked Nixon.”
“Well, at least someone in the family has some brains.” He patted me on the shoulder and as my mother turned away I understood that I had chosen the wrong person.
I didn’t vote again until 1976, when I was nineteen and legally registered. Because I was at college out of state, I sent my ballot through the mail. The choice that year was between Jimmy Carter and Gerald Ford. Most of my friends were going for Carter, but, as an art major, I identified myself as a maverick. “That means an original,” I told my roommate. “Someone who lets the chips fall where they may.” Because I made my own rules and didn’t give a damn what anyone else thought of them, I decided to write in the name of Jerry Brown, who, it was rumored, liked to smoke pot. This was an issue very close to my heart—too close, obviously, as it amounted to a complete waste. Still, though, it taught me a valuable lesson: calling yourself a maverick is a sure sign that you’re not one.
I wonder if, in the end, the undecideds aren’t the biggest pessimists of all. Here they could order the airline chicken, but, then again, hmm. “Isn’t that adding an extra step?” they ask themselves. “If it’s all going to be chewed up and swallowed, why not cut to the chase, and go with the platter of shit?”
Ah, though, that’s where the broken glass comes in. ♦

Intolerant of intolerance...

I am pretty embarrassed of how emotion and angry I have gotten lately over Proposition 8. I think that I am mainky ashamed because I feel like reacting in an overly angry way because in some ways I feel that this puts me in the 'warring' mode that the people I am opposed to seem to be.

But really when I see bumper stickers or signs or when someone mentions that they plan on voting yes, my blood boils and I have to take several deep breaths and try to calm down.

At the heart I feel that is a civil rights issue and that by not allowing same sex couples to get married we are denying them of a basic civil right that other adults who are straight have. I think in a few more decades we will look back on this issue and see that our current treatment of homosexuals (as implied by the propositon proposal) is similar to the way we treated african americans several decades ago. Maybe some people will just think that's rhetoric, but I really think this proposition implies separate treatment that is not equal.

I get so frustrated by the fact that the church feels that this should be a public law enforced issue. I don't think that they shouldn't be able to impose their moral codes on their own members, but to try and make the general public be accountable to their faith's morality just seems like a too much to ask.

But I don't think itls really something anyone would want to get me started on... I just needed to vent a little.

Ironic

My screenname isn't catbonny for nothing. I am 110% a cat lover, and can remember being one since I was in diapers. (I literally have a picture of myself tackling a cat while I was still in a diaper.)

We had cats for a little while when I was little, but when my father was out of the picture we didn't have any more cats until I adopted a neighborhood stray that has been with us (or is still with my mom) for about 8 years now. She started as an outdoor cat, and became more accustomed to the house, and then got a litter box, and now that my sister and I do not live here I am pretty sure she has the run of the house.

The ironic part of the whole cat situation is that I am also extremely allergic. I went to spend the last weekend in SD with D and spent the whole time sneezing, blowing my noes, and rubbing my eyes or taking benadyrl and getting all stoned on it...

And yet, I really think I can take the allergies because of how much I love them. Also, I tend to build up immunity to them after I live with them for a while. I just think it's silly that I have been so attracted to them for so long, and that my body goes crazy when it exposed to their dander and hair. It's kind of sad, and makes me wonder what it will be like when D and I get a cat in a small apartment or house some day and it will make me all sneezy all the time...

I still pick them up, kiss them, and cuddle them in bed, but man do they make me feel sick.

Train blog

So I realize that by getting to the train station at 12:30 and not getting to san diego until 3:50 is a little bit less time efficient than driving, because those are not peak traffic hours. However, since D comes to OC every Sunday I refuse to drive down here just so that we cab drive two cars up there. That seems to eco non_efficient_ to me so I can't do it in good conscience.

And today I have also realized that I can drink beer, do homework, and blog while on the train so maybe it is time efficient in the respect of the fact that I can do things I wouldn't do if driving.

I actually kind of like the train, but did you know that trains pretty much as not on time as planes? For some reason this surprises me.

Talking to yourself

So the other day when I was in Trader Joe's I noticed that like four people around me were talking on their blue tooth headsets, which I think, makes them look like they are talking to themselves.

When I was checking out I said something to the cashier to the effect that it must be weird to be servicing all of these people who just seemed to be talking to themselves. When he didn't say anything I got a little bit self-conscious and said that maybe I just couldn't get used to it.

He never responded to what I was saying at all. He just gave me my bag and told me thanks and have a good night.

As I walked out I wondered if he didn't agree with me or if he just thought I had been talking to someone on my own bluetooth the whole time I was checking out and that's why he didn't respond.

Hmm. If nothing else I laughed while entertaining the thought.

Missing in Action

I have been pretty consumed by life lately. Between trying to find D a place to live, trying to find a job for me, and becoming a student I have been kind of busy. I also realized that I had a lot of free time at work to spend on the computer while at work, and now that time doesn't exist as much, so my presence on the inter-web is a little less than before.


But anyway, starting my degree in the area of planning has really made me think more closely about what it is I want to do in the field. I was initially drawn to the field because I feel really passionate about environmentalism and sustainable planning, and I still feel those things. At the same time I realize that the socioeconomic side of planning addresses the basic needs of people, and usually they are the same people who need to just survive rather than try to be Eco-conscious. I have thought a lot about whether or not being Eco-conscious is something for the privileged, mainly because when you are just trying to get by, you are not usually thinking about the long-term effects of your actions on the planet.

I guess I would like to try to figure out an answer between the two things. How can environmentalism be something that is made accessible and important to all classes? How can environmental justice issues in places like Wilmington- where there are oil refineries in people's back yard-be addressed?

It's a lot to think about and at this point I can honestly say I have no clue which direction I will move in, but it's exciting and daunting at the same time.

Househunting

I don't know if I have mentioned this as of yet, but D happened to move into a pretty yucky place in San Diego. Their kitchen has to be a health hazard, and the people there are not so nice, so he is looking for another one...

After he thought he had found a place earlier this week, and it fell through, I decided that we were going to search high and low and find a place by the end of the weekend. We saw a total of 10 places in two days, and between seeing these places and just corresponding with people via email (through craigslist) we got some real entertainment for free...

Some of the highlights of the house hunting included

• the girl who had a bong in the middle of the living room when we got there (and this actually one of the places that looked really good, and made it onto D's list of acceptable places)
• the lady (who had a three year old) and followed us out to the car saying that she just wanted to make sure she knew that room came with a key, so that D could lock the door to his room and be the only one who had access to it
• the man who told us that I could come over as long as I didn't spend the night because 'they were not set-up for that'
• the lady who emailed us and said that he'd be sharing the place with her and her 16 year old daughter, and they were both 420 friendly
• when David mentioned that one reason he was moving was because he roommates left out dishes of rotting food for weeks at a time, one guy told him that that kind of happens sometimes are the place he was seeing
• the trailer for rent in someones backyard for only $600 a month-this was advertised as a studio

I know that there were other funny things, but these are the few that I can remember after all of this. It was actually kind of successful though, and I think there are many good options on the table, which is a great thing. I hope to be moving stuff next weekend, and not meeting a million people again, but I guess we shall see...

I just wonder about ALL the people who specifically state that they are 420 friendly. I mean is it a craiglist or a San Diego thing?

When life gets exciting...

Most of you know I am a major stress case. I have spent the last several weeks stressing about various things, and one of those things is going from a decent income to a zero income and a negative income that involves paying expenses with student loans.

So I have been spending time looking at tutoring, admin, and random part time positions, and that's not really the most fun thing I have ever done, but tonight I looked at the UCI Planning, Policy, and Design website, and was taking a look at all the great places their students have interned at, and that made me feel really excited.

Because there are so many cool planning organizations right in my back yard, and this really is the perfect place to work on a career in Urban Planning with a focus on environmental sustainability. I guess maybe I just get scared that I am waiting for this program to have everything fall in my lap, but I don't think that's really what I am doing.

I am going to be getting a really good starting point, and foundation on something I really want to do and something I am passionate about, and while there are common day stresses to think about I really should be sitting on my couch thinking about how excited and how fortunate I am to have an opportunity to pursue the education that it going to give me so much opportunity in a field I think I might just love.

It's also exciting that my love is doing something very similar.

And I guess in that way I am way less stressed and way more excited than I have realized in a few weeks.

Odd Jobs, and Some Really Odd Jobs

I have been working since I turned 14 (which was totally legal in Maryland). As I have been spending the past few days looking at different part time employment opportunities, I have been thinking about some of the funnier and weirder positions I have had over the years. Most of them were during college...

• I worked a temp position as a temp worker (really kind of a paper-folder) for a big convention for People Soft at the Anaheim convention center, and on the night they had their big gala type thing with lots of free delicious food, I stopped working for a bit to enjoy the festivities.


• I was hired as a house cleaner, but wound up being more of a post-divorce friend a counselor for a lady who had divorced her husband about a year before she hired me and had not cleaned her house since. This was sad, and also very disgusting. It was just gross things like not cleaning your bathroom sink or changing the sheets on your kids bed for a year that kind of got to me. But most of the weeks she would send me home having worked less than she hired me to work and paying me our agreed price. So that was nice.


• I was a care-taker for an elderly woman who needed someone to stay with her while her live-in friend and caretaker had some time out on the town. One activity that she liked was reading the paper, but a few weeks into it I realized it was usually the Sunday paper and she wanted to look at every single section including the ads, and she couldn't really hear me when I read them to her so I had to repeat myself a lot. I started disassembling the paper before we read it to avoid the business section. I tried to take her to get milkshakes at Ruby's once, but she got very scared on the car ride there, so we had to go home.


• I was a nanny for one of the member's of Dave Matthew's Band and they put me up at the Ritz Carlton in San Francisco for a week. That was a totally random/fun/awful/experience.


• I nannied for a lady who let her three year-old hit me in front of her without saying anything. Needless to say this was pretty awful and I had no control or respect in the relationship with the little girl. I dreaded going to this job.


• I worked for the Gallup Organization taking telephone polls, and while this was supposed to be a really great job and opportunity, I had a hard time trying to keep people on the phones for twenty minute surveys when their child was crying in the background. I only lasted about 3 days, and when I quit the lady basically told me that I would be a failure in life if I gave up so easily, and she made me cry and to this day I am still trying to prove her wrong.


• I had a guy on craigslist allow me to come to his house babysit and drive his daughter around without event speaking to me on the phone. We had only emailed, and while I am really trustworthy person I thought it was really scary that someone would trust their child's life in the hands of a stranger.

At least I have a lot of good stories to tell. Some possible jobs that I might take in the next few months are working in flue clinics at different retail stores or participating in a phone fund raiser. It will be weird working for ten bucks and hour again, but hopefully my next job will be something fun rather than data entry tedium.

Love

So if you haven't heard me whine about it yet D has moved to San Diego.

I am feeling more adjusted than I first was, but perhaps this is because I got to spend 5 nights and days with him for the long weekend.

And this morning I got a really sweet email from him, and it reminded me of when we used to send each other pages upon pages of emails when we were first meeting each other and first dating.

We have both grown and progressed so much as people since two years ago.

I love him a lot and I don't think I ever realized how a loving relationship and partnership really works and how caught up in someone elses existence you can be.

I like being caught up in it, and while change sucks, I feel like we have a good year in front of us, and hopefully many good years after that,

First Impulsive Buy With Student Loan Money

That's right. It's a little baby computer, and I don't feel too bad because is was $310 with shipping and some people have phones that cost more than that. So I justify it by saying it will be good for school, it will let me loan David my big laptop because his wireless sucks, and I haven't had a new cell phone in three years.

I don't know if it's really impulse, now I just have to remember student loans have to satisfy all normal bill payments until part time work is acquired. Fun stuff.

How I started my morning

Would you like some whipped cream on your home-brewed coffee?
Yes, please.

Three good things...

So I have been having a hard time adjusting and have been struggling with major anxiety/emotional distress lately. In an attempt to put a positive spin on today I told him that tomorrow (which is today) we should both tell each other three positive things so that we have some assurance that we are doing well.

His three things.

1. He got a new phone plan and he can talk to me whenever he wants to for free.
2. He has been getting more writing done since he has been in San Diego.
3. He had a bad dream about something in Orange County last night, but woke up and realized that he was 100 miles away from Orange County and didn't have to deal with it. (I am being vague about this specifically, but it's actually a very positive thing.)

My three things.

1- False thing- I bought him a cat to bring to his new place to keep him company, and I brought said cat to work with me today to spend the day with me, but soon it would move in with him. He pointed out that this was not a positive thing for him, and I said yes I know, but for me it would be very positive.

1. (Real) I was looking at my google calendar and realizing I only have three weeks at my job after this week. WooHoo!!
2. I have a 4 day weekend coming up and will hopefully get to spend most of that time with D.
3. (Half true, and more for for a joke.) I didn't smoke pot at the Radiohead concert last night. Mind you I have not smoked pot for a good three or more years and have never really gotten high, but last night there was a lot of pot being passed around and I was really tempted because it seemed to fit the mood, but I stuck with tobacco sticks instead because you wants to puff on a joint with a strangers mouth on in. That sounds yucky. So yeah, that was more of a joke one to comment on all the pot last night then to say that it was really a positive thing that I didn't smoke pot.
4. (Back to the real) I have a really great boyfriend who loves me a lot. (David reminded me of this, which was nice of him.)

I feel really good today, which is awesome. I liked starting the day like this.

If you were watching the security video...

If you happen to be watching the security video from the Kinko's located at UCI from about 11:00 am this morning, you would see two adults come in with three bags brimming full of Farmer's Market produce.

You'd see the female walk over to the copy center and head right for the free scotch tape. She would have been tearing off long pieces and sticking them to the palms and fingers of her hand and then ripping them off one at a time. The male you'd see walking over to get some not free packing tape with he offers to the female, but she declines. Then she take some more tape and wraps it around 4 of her fingers, two on each hand. She wonders of she should leave them there because they make her prickly fingers feel better, but decides not to and asks her partner in crime to remove the tape from her four fingers. She then wipes here hands and few times, and gathers her bags, removing the greens from the top of her bunch of beets and puts them in trash receptacle. She has been laughing for the entire duration of this time in Kinkos.

And you'd probably laugh too if you saw the tape of David and I in Kinkos this morning as I tried to remove the teeny tiny hair like spines that had gotten into my hands from the cactus fruit I bought this morning.

I am not sure after all that that I will be able to eat the fruit without first having rubber gloves to handle them.

Lots of laughs and a little bit of ouch.

Her look definitely says...

We went to a wedding this weekend and we have photos.

I cannot wait to see Bri's photo's from the event. She is such a wonderful photographer and always has so many shots I would never even think of.

Good times, people getting married, cheers.

Without you...

Who would I be?

Struggling.

So as much as your psyche up yourself for big changes, and as much as you tell yourself that the big changes are not big- you never know until it really happens.

In other words D has kind of officially moved, and I have been kind of emotionally bonkers for a few days, and I don't like it at all.

I want to be strong and cool and collected as to make it much easier for him to transition and start his much dreamed of MFA.

Please send light and prayers that my school gets here soon so I can shift my focus away from both hating my job and missing my boyfriend, to pursuing something I really care about.

If you are not familar with this look let me clue you in.

It's the
my love, I usually think you are so very charming, and lovely, but at the moment you have a had few too many beers at this wedding and are annoyingly flashing your camera in the faces of unsuspecting wedding guests, and my feet hurt, and I wouldn't mind going home and putting you in bed because you are acting really silly
face.

Why I am cannot be a part of a traditional, conservative, faith (Christian) tradition, and why I like being a Quaker.

After reading several different posts about the LDS (and many other conservative Christian) churches response and actions based on Proposition 8 I have felt really thankful to be a part of the faith community I am currently in.



Maybe Proposition 8 has been less on my radar than it should be. I know that I was stoked when gay marriage was legalized in the state because it seems to me like it's way over due.



But maybe I also choose not to think about it because I remember when I was in college one of the professors I respected the most (and still have a relationship/friendship) with three years after college graduation tried to convince his classes that gay marriage should not be legalized by the government because it opened up doors to all kinds of evils. I remember him saying on numerous occasion that if the state sanctioned man and man or woman and woman marriage what would keep it from also sanctioned man and rooster or man and child marriages?

And I can't exactly pin point how I felt about this at the time or how I responded, but maybe I thought that he had a point, and maybe I didn't. I am not sure, but I am sure that it is this kind of thinking (among other things) that caused me to run quickly in the other direction from evangelical Christianity. I think what strikes me the hardest about it is the unwillingness to respect and more so accept the life choices of mature adult people. One thing that I struggle with so much in religion is the boxed in worldview is tends to give people- the worldview that says that it's my way or no way, and I cannot respect or accept that people are really happy outside of my way because even if they think they are happy now, in eternity they will be damned. To me religion seems to be more of a focus on the after death than there here and now, I am am living now, so that's what I want to focus on.



Blegh I feel like I could verbally vomit a lot about religion and the use of church as a political machine. I could say yes I know there are exceptions in all cases. I realize that not all conservative Christian places of worship are talking about these issues from the pulpit, but I think I just have little tolerance for it because if I was put in that situation as a member of a congregation I would just leave.

Because of John's post about this I have thought a lot about what I could do to 'support and validate' those who are struggling within Conservative Christian congregations and while I feel like holding up signs and pointing out the close-mindedness of these institutions could at least send a message, I feel more inclined to just flee in the other direction (like I already have) and to take struggling people with me to the Quaker meeting. I mean I say this with much sarcasm, and I totally support and respect those who fight closed-mindedness from within their institutions, but I find this kind of thing totally frustrating- and it makes me feel pretty helpless.

A New One

Since my vacation I seemed to have cooked a bit less, although D has definitely been contributing his fare share of the meal cooking...

My newest food encounter is beets. I remember at the Friends Retreat at Easter we had some wonderful golden beet soup, and really liked it, and David mentioned we should use more beets, but I have to be honest- they totally intimidate me. They have that yucky looking outer peel, and I thought you had to roast them for hours at a time. It turns out you can just boil them like potatoes.

I I boiled them for about 45 minutes the other night (until I good get the fork in easily) and then I chopped them up (skin and all) and put them in the fridge.

I did a little searching for recipes, and decided I would add bleu cheese, walnuts, red onion, and a salad dressing made of lime juice, honey Dijon mustard, balsamic vinegar, some other salad dressing, and a pinch or two of sugar. And not only was it beautiful (beets are so pretty) but it also tasted pretty amazing. David really liked it, which is always a huge surprise for me.

Next on my list is beet borscht. Anyone ever had/made it? I am hoping to find some golden beets at the market in the next month or so...

Stress Busters

I realize today that something I have known for a long time. I have a really hard time not letting the pain/stress of someone I love become my own pain/stress.

But I am working on changing that, because it makes me a healthier person...

So my stress busters for today included

• Freshly chopped watermelon from the Farmer's Market.
• Having an Italian Dinner at The Soprano's (with Jare) while doing my wash at the laundromat next door.
• Swimming laps for about 25 minutes at an apartment complex's pool. (close to me)
• Losing myself in the final book of the Twilight series at lunch and after my post-pool shower.

I think I will sleep well tonight and that tomorrow will be a good day because after work David will come over, give me lots of hugs, and play TtR with me until I am ready to snuggle.

Oh, so much to look forward to...

A Friend speaking my mind.

I feel like my friends have experienced and overwhelming amount of trouble in this past weeks...

Jana's post has been all too helpful to processing all of the grief, hurt, sickness, and change that has occurred in lives around me. I like her take on blogging and interpreting the things that 'have to be done in life'. I feel like my blogging tends towards celebrating and lamenting certain events/people/experiences in my life. It's like every few days I get to remind myself and others of my existence by showing them pictures of my life and sharing brief funny snippets or long scattered thoughts.

I'd like to make everyone around me feel whole and healthy, but instead I think I will just encourage them make peace with their daily struggles and to get through the things that we have to do, and that we unfortunately have to go through during rough patches in life.

I wish I could say it was well as Jana did, but I feel really drained, and just very thankful that friends like her speak into my life when I need it most. It is so refreshing to hear the thoughts of others and to know that they are working just as hard as you to interpret the events in their day to day life and their day to day struggles. (And joys)

I lack much insight right now. I feel overwhelmingly happy and centered in my own life position, and I am oh so grateful that life is that way at moment, and at the same time I feel a little but off kilter because I see the world shaking for so many people around me.

Not so eloquent...

I feel like I have been riding a calm wave in a tumultuous sea that has been roaring around me...
I am ready for school.
I am ready for David to move, because I think visiting him will be like my new vacation spot.
I feel good, loved, and calm-overall.
But I also feel very inadequate because I don't seem to have the right words right now to provide great insight of make people feel better.
I feel a lot of pressure to be the perfect friend who is always there, makes everything better, and solves everyone's problems.
I have felt like until this morning I have been detached enough to not feel for inadequate, but like I sort of reached a breaking point this morning.
And it kind of makes me feel like crap, because having your own emotional issues in the midst of someone else's does not help anyone.

So I think I am not looking for the right words, or phrases, or answers or actions. I am looking for the strength within myself to not feel guilty and insecure and inadequate because of what's going on around me. I am looking for the strength to be at peace with my surroundings, and to be the best friend I can be for those in my life. I am looking for the actions and time to be the best partner I can be for David as he transitions into moving. I am looking within to be able to keep a calm and steady demeanor and to be happy and guilt free.

It's difficult for me.

Fun things from our trip...

Because I need to think about fun stuff right now-

• Spending $20 at the arcade to win 300 tickets with which we purchased a 2 dollar ash tray and a 50 cent beer bottle opener key chain.
• Crossing PCH after being at the gaudy (ridiculous) Hearst Castle and going to stand out on the pier for about a half an hour- watching the pelicans dive in the water, the sea lions swim, and making friend with one particular friendly (and maybe injured) pelican.
• David buying the best smoked salmon I have ever had and eating it for breakfast with sourdough bread and roasted garlic.
• Staying in a REALLY nice hotel on Atascadero, which is the closest thing I have ever stayed in to the Ritz Carlton in San Fran (which was on someone else's dime), and taking a bath in the amazing whirlpool tub for an hour after D went to sleep.
• Feeding some of the trout at the Monterey Bay Aquarium when we were on the super secret behind-the-scenes tour.
• Taking some time out of all the touristy stuff to make our own breakfast and play boardgames in the redwood forest.
• Stopping at the winery, having some wine tastes, and them making a PBJ and cucumber picnic outside- for our lunch.
• Being very comfortable and content with my travel companion as we listened to books on tape and music, stayed in 5 different places, encountered new things, ate good and bad food, and enjoyed each others company on our short sojourn.

Some favorites from my trip...

I posted MANY pictures from our trip if you would like to see them. I put a favorite album which is mostly pictures us, and then I separated them by place. If you want to see the creatures check out the Monterey Bay Aquarium one- and if you are into otters (like me) there is a special album just with the sea otters, with the fresh water otters being in the bigger album.

I have to thank David for taking pictures of me and for being such a good sport because I know he hates having his picture taken- although i think dating me has made it a little less painful. At least I hope so.

Popping out to say...

We are home from our lovely vacation that started in Santa Barbara and ended in Santa Cruz. We had a fabulous time making friends with the animals at the Monterey Bay Aquarium and at the many piers and wharfs we visited. More than anything else I think we both enjoyed the company of one another on our first adult vacation.

I think I will have to say more about that later, but suffice to say I saw two humpback whales, many otters, and had a whole lot of fun with my love, and I have the pictures to prove it.

Real life seems rough after such a great few days away from it all, but I guess there is something to be said for home.

I heart photos

So the challenge in recently joined Flickr group was to do some light painting. You should check out the group and see what other people did, but I like this one a lot. It's my heart of flames. I posted the other ones I took here. (I like the one with David encircled in my flame rope paint.)

This is a really cool technique called light painting which I had never heard of until the challenge. It involves leaving the shutter of your camera open for a longer period of time- I had some issues with trying to do in in a well lit room, but it worked much better in the garage.

I did these with a stick lighter that David gave me, but look forward to trying some more in the future with a flashlight...

Buck tradition...

I feel like everyone around me is getting married, and while I am really happy for them I think I have a hard time with all the ceremony surrounding weddings and marriage.

I recently acquired a new bridesmaid dress that will not be unused because the wedding will be no longer. And while the gown is brown I have been seriously considering having it seriously altered and saving as a wedding dress for a future date. I don't need to wear white.

And bridal showers are cute and everything, and it made me so happy to be at my friend's today and to see all the great stuff she got to move into her new place with her new hubby in a few weeks, but I think that I am not going to be whole scrap-booky person when it comes to a shower. I also think it would be cool to have something where you don't have a real registry per se, but maybe a general list of things you need/want and then encourage friends and family to help you find things at good will, free cycle, or craiglist. I know I would probably love a whole bunch of new kitchen gadgets, but I also think that I'd be thrilled if my roommate just let me keep the cast iron (I think) pots and pans with the really 80's yellow outside that were in the apartment when we moved in.

As for ceremony- I am thinking something small and outdoors with a BBQ/potluck.

I mean I'm not getting married any time soon, so it's not a huge thing, but every time I experience/ hear about all the planning and ceremony etc I just think it's not really something I am interested in for myself. I guess I should revel and have fun with other people's events and not keep thinking about how much I want to buck tradition. (But it is a little fun to think about.)

Counting down the days...

I am going on vacation in a week, and I cannot wait.

Stops and extended stays are to include Santa Barbara, San Simeon, Atascadero/Paso Robles, Monterrey, Santa Cruz, and a small town called Ben Lomond near Santa Cruz.

We are taking the 101 to Monterrey because we aren't sure how PCH will be looking with all the recent burn activity. Possible stops on the 101 could be Salinas and Gilroy, but we are just not sure yet. We will also be hitting up some wineries along the way.

Definites for the trip are the Hearst Castle and the Monterrey Bay Aquarium, and a lot of relaxation.

Please send me recommendations for these areas for your favorite restaurants, viewing spots, interesting activities, and such... They would be greatly appreciated.

I've been through some of the areas before quickly, but am looking to have a really great time.

Because laughing is good for your health

If you are not into Flight of the Conchords you should be.

Big Sister

Besides being a HIGHly emotional person in the first place, I always have trouble when I leave or my family members leave me to go back on a plane somewhere far away. I kind of have this policy now that family members do not get walked into the airport. They have to be dropped off at the curb because this ensures a swift departure and no crying at the airport security checkpoint line. It's hard to drive anywhere after or get on a plane when you are crying, so I try to avoid this now- even though it's difficult.

I have to say that one of the most alone times was when I watched my mom get on the shuttle and go home from Chile and knew my sister was in Brazil, and I was in this huge city all by myself. It wasn't the city itself that made me feel alone- it's just the act of putting someone on a plane and knowing how far anyone with your bloodlines is from you.

The last time my little sister left California she got home really late the night before she was leaving. I think I left to work and she took a super shuttle home, and when I got home there was a note on my bed that still floats around my room and makes me cry every now and then.

That night in bed with David I asked him to hold me as I cried- explaining that I just missed my sister. I felt desperate and sad not knowing when I would see her next (although I knew it would be in Chile)...

It's hard to describe my relationship with my sister- although I sometimes feel like she is kind of the same person as me, and yet so different. I think we would agree that as we have both grown up we have grown apart in terms of our interests and maybe not our personalities so much as the things we do for fun. I am not sure how to explain it other than to say that we are growing into our own persons as we grow up, but we still have this really amazing strong bond. We still look and talk like sisters. We still have all the same memories from when we were little. We are still us, just bigger/older versions, with much stronger opinions.

I like the person my sister has become. She is strong, smart, independent, funny, and well aware of the world around here (and that which is not so close.) I am proud of her. I love and hold her so close my heart.

I think maybe it's harder for me to think about my sister as a peer rather than a younger sibling I need to be an example for or more than that- I think I have always wanted to impress her and to have her think I was really cool. I wanted her to want to be like me for a long time. I don't think it was as much being self-centered as just knowing that I was an important example for her, and that meant a lot.

This weekend I keep reminding her that she is my 'my little babers' and then I tell her that I remember when she had just eaten lunch and I decided to dance with her and shake her up, which caused her to barf on me. We were just sitting on the floor, but I definitely screamed and let go of her. She was old enough to sit up and crawl so she recovered much faster than myself, myself who was upset about the throw up on my pretty clothes.

We are adults now, but she'll always be my baby sister, and those are two things that I struggle to reconcile, although I am getting the hang of it more and more.

Sister's on a 'Booze Cruise'

We only call is that because of The Office.

Black and White Friends

If you don't have to work because your little sister is here and you are going to the Wild Animal Park

But you still get up at 7am because you want to gather all the book you need for your first photo challenge for a new Flckr group called a Certain Slant of Light

and then you go running down the street in your PJs (minus bra) because you hear the street sweeper turn on and you don't want to get a ticket-

Well, then you could be me, and you could be ready for an awesome weekend with your little sister. Who you snap a picture of while she is asleep.

Look how happy we were and how pretty the sky was on the 4th of July.

We were happy to get away from all the drunken craziness in Newport Beach. It was such a pleasant afternoon in San Clemente. Good food, good company, good music, and we didn't have to fight traffic at all. (Smile)

It has to be better this time...

I signed up for my classes at UCI yesterday. This is really very exciting for me. I have been out of school since 2005 and have been working ever since them to maintain my life in Orange County. I have not loved my jobs, but I made many friend at them and got a sweet Severance package from New Century not to mention unemployment, and maybe one day when the whole bankruptcy thing gets settled they will send me another check for $600.

Anyway, I am a little bit scared of starting school and mainly because it makes me think about when I started school again in Fall 2005. After taking a year off from school and working at New Century I decided that I should work on getting my teaching credential. I figured I could go to Vanguard, and wouldn't have to do much to get into the program-which was true. They accepted me with no problem.

The slight problem in all of this was that I had no interest in teaching- although I convinced myself it was the right thing for a while. I thought that I would get summers off like my mom did when I was growing up, I'd make decent money (if I could get a job) and I'd be able to apply my History degree- which is something that seemed rather hopeless at the time.

The only hurdle I had to jump over was taking the CSET for history. I had to take one twice, but I passed. I started the program and was surrounded by all these hyper-enthused classmates. I had no enthusiasm. I got into a classroom and realized that it scared the shit out of me that the kids looked not that much younger than me. I felt like I didn't remember history well enough to teach it, and eventually I just realized that I didn't care about teaching, and I just wanted an easy pathway to a job, and that therefore I would suck as a teacher because I would be unhappy doing it.

So I dropped out like a month or so into the program. I lost part of the money I had paid Vanguard, and I eventually wound up back at New Century again.

I never felt like I failed or gave up. I knew I made the right choice to leave and the wrong choice to enroll just because it seemed like I might be able to work it out.

Starting school again scares me just because what if the same thing happens again? I guess I feel like there is little chance of that because this program is something that I really care about and I think it really will give me the tools to work in a career that focuses on environmental sustainability-which is something I really care about. I definitely worked harder to get in, and am proud of how hard I worked. I am just a little bit nervous to start school again and see how it works out this time.

I plan on being completely happy and successful and I am sure not going into is half-hearted by any means this time, so I think I am starting off on a better foot than before, and that has to help.

Disclaimer

I bought new glasses today-both regular and sunglasses.

I don't know if I have ever told you this story, but it's a shameful/funny one. Shortly after returning to college for my final semester. I thought that I would be clever and swim in the Pacific Ocean fully clothed. I am going to be honest and it had a lot to do with being off anti-depressants and embracing stuff that is hard to embrace and not going in the Pacific once. The bad thing is that as soon as I went under I my brand new glasses came off my face and floated into the Pacific.

Now let me just say these were very nice and expensive glasses my mother had purchased me. At the time she said it was the last pair she'd be able to get me on my insurance (since I was graduating soon.) I remember it being like 300 dollars and I remember feeling SO bad that I had wasted my mothers hard earned money. I think I have always been someone who knows the value of a dollar, and I was mortified.

I sulked back to the car soaking wet and asked Tina and Layla to help me look for my glasses in the ocean. I didn't find them. I wore my prescription sunglasses until the next day and they called me Stevie Wonder, and I bought some more the next day. I think I told my mom the next summer. Everyone LOVES my current glasses, which out the ones that I bought that final semester in college in 2004.

I have had the lenses replaced since. Do I think all in all I got my use out of the initial 250 for them and 200 more for additional frames two years ago. I am really sorry to say goodbye to these and fear I will get many fewer compliments on the new ones than I did these.

Something I DO NOT like about all the new glasses is that they insist on having HUGE designer names on the side of them. So my new glasses say Versage (is that how to spell it) and I kind of hate that, but feel like at the price (clearance) it couldn't be avoided. I also got some prescription sunglasses because I tried the whole contact thing and failed miserably. I guess every 4 years we need to spend three car payments on two pairs of glasses, but that doesn't make it that much easier to drop the cash.

Anyway, I am not complaining, more saying that it's time for a change and that is you see my designers name screaming in the side of my head, just know that I wouldn't have wanted it that way.

Confessions of a Data Entry Queen

• I really like being domestic. I don't believe in gender roles, but for some reason I feel responsible to make dinner at the end of a day of working, and to clean up after the dinner too. I kind of melt when David does it for me, but I am okay with doing it for him most of the time.
• There is a soft spot in my heart for reality TV. (Thank God I don't have cable, because otherwise it would be a problem.)
• I am reading some trashy-ish novel right now that reminds me of teen fiction, and I am very much enjoying it. I needed a break from serious stuff.
• I spend 1-2 hours at the beginning of the work day catching up on personal stuff. (I don't feel bad about this because I am really efficient at my job.)
• Once when I smelled Inn and Out I thought about going there and having a cheeseburger and not telling anyone ever, but I didn't. (I don't crave meat often, but the grilled cheeses there just aren't the same.)
• I read a lot of people's blogs all the time and never comment. I feel like I am a blog stalker in this way.
• I sometimes don't by fair trade coffee because I really like certain flavors. It actually makes me feel like I am drinking 'blood coffee' sometimes, and I know I need to change this habit.
• I am pretty happy spending time with just David and other close friends. I feel like I can't keep in touch with a lot of people all the time, and I am really happy in a normal routine.
• I shave my legs about once every 2-3 months. Sometimes longer.
• I feel guilty for moving so far from my family. It makes me feel like an abandoner- like my dad.
• I peed in the pool most of my life growing up. (Not anymore thankfully)
• I shaved my face with my mom's boyfriends razor when I was 10.
• I asked a lady in a Rite Aid why she had a beard once, and my Aunt why she was fat. (I was not really polite at that age.)
• I never order sodas when I am out, but I always take 3-5 sips from David.

Serenity

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I have heard this prayer for a long time, but haven't truly contemplated it until the last years.
I realize that while life seems to be changing rapidly as of late, it really has been changing pretty rapidly for the past two years. I think that this change has shaken me so much because it involves people, and the one thing that value the most in my life is my relationships. And I have been blessed to have very stable relationships in the past several years. Now that people are moving I think that since I am not the one who is making the choices about the changes, I feel really uneasy, because simply said I am a control freak, and don't like when I cannot make things around me go the way I want them to.

All that to say that I know that currently the thing that I can change is my own attitude and mindset when it comes to dealing with the way things are going in life.

It's been a good weekend, and I think that if I had to make a judgement I would say that I am growing more comfortable with the upcoming changes in my life. But I mean, they still haven't happened yet, so I guess I will cross that bridge when I get there.

I want to throw up/move to Canada/not sing 'I'm proud to be an American'

So kudos to the Supreme Court for just confirming America is in the state that it is currently in.

I'm headed over to Walmart right to get me my firearm.
I mean, I have to be a little smart and say that I understand that the Supreme Courts decision doesn't immediately mean that guns are okay anywhere, but I also understand that the United States Government just made a huge statement that it pro-guns, and that makes my stomach turn.

It seems like we could look very simply at countries who are less supportive of firearms and see that there violence level seems to be slightly (?) lower than ours.I can't go on here because I don't have all the statistic and intellect to spew out to you at the moment.

I'm just kind of angry and I don't feel proud to be an American at all.

Break Room Fou Paux

Let me start out my post by saying how much I love my job. (Sarcasm intended)

So I walk in to the breakroom for lunch, and there is an almost gone pizza. Generally at my office pizza in the breakroom on the table without anyone in there means that someone had a meeting and didn't finish it and now it's a free for all.

So I say 'Can I have a piece of pizza? Whose pizza is this?'

And I get this weird answer that was like 'Well yeah, I guess. W paid for most of it, but umm..'

Out of embarrassment I am just like 'Oh I don't need to eat pizza anyway' (Which is true)

But it make me feel like an awkward food scavenger in my office.

We just don't have the relationships here where were share stuff with other people.
(Can't wait until school starts)

Afterlife

Love of mine some day you will die But I'll be close behind I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white Just our hands clasped so tight Waiting for the hint of a spark

If heaven and hell decide That they both are satisfied Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you When your soul embarks Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black

And I held my tongue as she told me Son fear is the heart of love So I never went back

If heaven and hell decide That they both are satisfied Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you When your soul embarks Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see From Bangcok to Calgary

And the soles of your shoes are all worn down The time for sleep is now

It's nothing to cry about Cause we'll hold each other soon In the blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide

That they both are satisfied Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you When your soul embarks

Then I'll follow you into the dark

Then I'll follow you into the dark

Weekend Loves/Likes/Not Like so Much

Loves

• David making me such a yummy breakfast this morning
• D telling me how much I mean to him and how much he truly appreciates all my help in house hunting yesterday. (Feeling that I have been on less of an emotional roller coaster about the whole thing, and feeling very secure about the future.)
• Having a non-spastic back, which is such a change from a week ago today.
• The Sicilian Thing pizza place that the Remy family recommended. D had thick. I had thin. It was scrumptious.
• Having the kitty wake me up on Saturday morning (and then going back to bed for a while.)
• Talking much with my surrogate sister, and thinking about getting her and Arnie together when she is here.

Likes

• The Mushroom Focaccia pocket for breakfast from the F-Market.
• Book Club meeting outside on my porch tonight. We talked about Three Cups of Tea, which is a really touching story about a man who starts a foundation to build schools in Pakistan and Afghanistan.
• The pretty sunset on the ride home.
• Playing a word game on the table at Macaroni Grill last night.
• Fresh watermelon from the F-Market, and blueberries, and blackberries. (YUMMM!)
• Staying in an air-conditioned house and a weekend when AC was much needed.
• Going to a party and seeing old friend on Friday night. Realizing how great being real with people is, and how certain relationships are such blessings.
• Feeling like we found a good home for D in San Diego.
• A few new dresses that are good for hot weather. (None over $15)

Not Like So Much

• D's parents dog who is really rambunctious and feeling bad for her being in the hot yard all day.
• My new shoes rubbing a bad blister on the back of foot, and realizing after a month of wanting them I need to return them.
• The lady not calling us when she rented the room D wanted, causing us to wait in San Diego for two additional hours.
• The temperature ranging from 109 in San Diego yesterday to 95 here today.
• Stubbing my two twice yesterday.

All in all this was a great weekend. I will be in L.A for the next two nights at two concerts. I am pretty excited about both. I am so thankful that life has been a blessing lately, and actually feeling great about house sitting for the next week and a half or so, because both places have AC and the heat was definitely getting to my head a little bit.

Getting Big

Yesterday David and I spent the WHOLE day house hunting in San Diego (please let me mention the fact that it was 109 degrees where we were. I suggested that on the way home we stop at the Wild Animal Park because they start there night zoo thing, but he said he didn't think it would be a good call because we had a long day and were tired. I agreed with him, because Escondido isn't exactly on the way home (and I am going with my sister in a few weeks). I checked the weather and it said that is was still in the nineties there are 7pm last night- we would have been so tired and miserable.

But look at how big these baby lions are getting. This was a month ago when we were in Julian for Mother's Day. They are probably going to look like almost full grown lions by the time I get to take Arnie. I hope that it's not 106 when we go there next month.

Perhaps this is why I love Elton John (or the Muppets)?

For some reason I cannot get a separate video just for Benny and Jets. I loved the Muppet Show when I was growing up, and I kind of think that's why I still love Elton John or why I started to love him in the first place. I just remember loving the Benny and Jets thing when I was little.

Oh, I found it!